The Open Relationship Scam, Mastering Rapid Change, & Toxic Parents (Episode 136)
In this episode of the Aware & Aggravated podcast, the hosts explore complex interpersonal dynamics, career challenges, and the intricacies of unconventional relationships. They delve into sensitive topics such as child adoption, organ donation requests, and physical conflicts between partners and friends, offering insights into navigating these situations.
The discussion also covers feeling "stuck" in life, overcoming career setbacks and rejections through honest self-evaluation and persistent improvement efforts. Additionally, the hosts examine the trust, communication, and mutual understanding required for successful non-monogamous relationships like throuples. They provide valuable perspectives on maintaining a sense of self and stability during major life transitions through rituals and core values.
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1-Page Summary
Relationship and family dynamics
Child adoption by a significant other prioritizes the child's well-being over the partner's feelings, says the podcast host. They caution against legally entrusting non-biological parents due to potential risks.
Ending a relationship over a partner's refusal to get tested as a potential organ donor is justified, according to the hosts. They view it as a lack of commitment and care. Leo Skepi also notes that physical conflicts between partners and friends show disregard for shared connections.
Feeling trapped or stuck
Feeling "stuck" stems from one's perspectives rather than reality, says the speaker. Shifting mindsets, exploring options, and seeking outside perspectives can reveal escape routes.
Leo Skepi recommends speaking to strangers and elders for fresh insights. He emphasizes making persistent efforts to find solutions beyond perceived constraints.
Career setbacks and rejections
Seeking specific feedback objectively after rejections allows identifying areas for improvement, says the speaker. Leo Skepi advises viewing rejections as opportunities for honest self-evaluation.
Maintaining a growth mindset and showing persistence through actionable self-improvement efforts is key to overcoming career setbacks, according to the speaker and Leo Skepi.
Unconventional relationship structures
The speaker acknowledges the substantial trust, communication, and mutual understanding required for non-monogamous relationships like throuples. Many struggle with the discomfort of sharing partners.
Leo Skepi notes people often compromise personal preferences to accommodate partners, leading to dissatisfaction in unconventional arrangements.
Maintaining self during life changes
Leo Skepi advocates for consistent personal rituals like cologne use and meal routines to preserve familiarity during major transitions.
He emphasizes openness to change while reconnecting with core values and moral foundations for internal stability.
Building supportive communities that share principles further reinforces one's sense of self, per Leo Skepi.
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Counterarguments
- Child adoption should consider the dynamics of the entire family, including the partner's feelings, as their support is crucial for the child's integration into the family.
- Legally entrusting non-biological parents can create strong, loving families, and risks are not exclusive to non-biological relationships.
- Ending a relationship over a refusal to be an organ donor might overlook other forms of commitment and care a partner shows.
- Physical conflicts might sometimes be symptomatic of deeper issues within relationships that require understanding and therapy, rather than just a disregard for shared connections.
- Feeling "stuck" can sometimes be due to actual external constraints, not just one's perspective, and may require more than a mindset shift to overcome.
- Speaking to strangers and elders may not always provide useful insights, as they may lack the necessary context or expertise to give helpful advice.
- Persistent efforts to find solutions may not always lead to success, and it's important to recognize when it's time to seek help or change direction.
- Seeking feedback after rejections is useful, but it's also important to recognize that some feedback may be subjective or not actionable.
- Viewing rejections as opportunities for self-evaluation is positive, but it's also important to acknowledge the emotional impact of rejection and allow time for healing.
- A growth mindset is beneficial, but it's also important to recognize and accept one's limitations and that some setbacks may be beyond one's control.
- Non-monogamous relationships can be fulfilling and successful for some, and discomfort with sharing partners can be addressed through ongoing communication and boundary-setting.
- Compromising in relationships is sometimes necessary, and personal preferences can evolve over time within any relationship structure.
- Personal rituals are important, but they may also need to evolve to reflect changes in one's life and circumstances.
- Openness to change is important, but it's also valid to maintain certain traditions or routines that provide comfort and stability.
- Building supportive communities is beneficial, but it's also important to maintain individuality and not solely define oneself through group identity.
Actionables
- You can create a decision matrix when considering adoption to weigh various factors like your partner's feelings, the child's needs, and legal implications. Start by listing all the factors that are important to you and your partner, assign weights to each based on their importance, and then score each option accordingly. This helps to make a more objective decision that considers all aspects.
- Develop a personal policy for handling relationship deal-breakers by writing down your non-negotiables and the reasons behind them. This could include things like organ donation or getting tested for health issues. Having this written down helps you to communicate your boundaries clearly in relationships and understand your own values.
- Initiate a monthly "perspective dinner" where you invite people from different walks of life to share a meal and discuss their views on overcoming challenges. This could be neighbors, co-workers, or members of a local community group. The diversity of perspectives can help you see beyond your current constraints and inspire new approaches to personal growth.
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Relationship and family dynamics
In discussing complex relationship and family dynamics, experts weigh in on two sensitive issues: the consideration of a significant other adopting one's child and ending relationships over the unwillingness to be a potential organ donor.
When considering letting a significant other adopt your child, it's crucial to prioritize the child's well-being and safety over the partner's feelings.
The dilemma regarding child adoption by a significant other is met with a firm stance on protecting the child's interests first and foremost. One parent decided against allowing her fiancé to adopt her daughter, citing her child's interests and a lingering distrust in granting him legal control. The fiancé's feelings were hurt, and he questioned her trust in him. Podcast hosts advocate for this tough decision, underscoring the child’s well-being as paramount over the significant other’s emotions. They warn against bestowing legal control on someone who is not the biological parent due to the potential legal and financial complications should the relationship dissolve. Moreover, they advise caution, particularly when a non-biological parent's power could be abused, as had occurred with the child's biological parent. Therefore, the advice is to maintain parental control and not risk the child's well-being by placing legal trust in the significant other.
Ending a relationship due to the partner's unwillingness to be a potential organ donor is a justifiable decision.
The issue of ending an engagement over the refusal to get tested for kidney donation is also dissected, with support given for the breakup. Refusal to get tested indicates a lack of commitment and care, and the hosts reinforce the legitimacy of distancing oneself from a partner who does not apprehend the severity of the circumstance. They view this ref ...
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Relationship and family dynamics
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Counterarguments
- The decision to allow a significant other to adopt one's child should also consider the depth and stability of the relationship, not just the potential risks.
- Legal adoption by a step-parent can provide emotional security and a sense of permanence to a child, which is also an aspect of the child's well-being.
- A partner's unwillingness to be an organ donor might stem from valid personal, medical, or psychological reasons rather than a lack of commitment or care.
- Ending a relationship solely on the basis of unwillingness to donate an organ without considering the complexity of the situation may be an oversimplification of what constitutes commitment and love.
- Physical altercations between a partner and a best friend could be sy ...
Actionables
- Create a personal decision-making framework that always puts your child's needs first by listing out their needs and your values, and use this as a guide when faced with tough decisions involving your child and others.
- This framework can be a simple document or note on your phone where you outline what you believe are the fundamental needs and best interests of your child. For example, if you value stability and emotional security for your child, any decision that could disrupt that, such as a significant other adopting your child, would be measured against these criteria.
- Develop a conversation guide for discussing sensitive health topics with a partner, focusing on open-ended questions and active listening techniques to understand their perspective and express your concerns without confrontation.
- This guide could include questions like "How do you feel about the medical procedures involved in organ donation?" or "What fears do you have about the testing process?" The goal is to create a safe space for honest communication, which can lead to a deeper understanding of each other's viewpoints and concerns.
- Establish a personal policy for handling conflicts that involve physical altercations, such as decidin ...
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Feeling trapped or stuck in a situation and finding a way out
Feeling trapped is often rooted in one’s perceptions rather than actual circumstances. By altering one’s mindset, exploring all possible options, and seeking insights from others, it is possible to find paths forward.
Perceiving oneself as "stuck" is often a false reality created by one's own limiting beliefs and perspectives.
The speaker stresses the importance of recognizing that feelings of being stuck are usually based on perceptions, which can often be false. It’s crucial to grasp the concept that one is rarely, if ever, truly stuck. This understanding can help individuals start the process of finding solutions to their current problems. To properly analyze feelings of entrapment, the speaker recommends backtracking and evaluating how one ended up in their predicament. Such reflections can elucidate unnoticed escape routes.
By shifting one's mindset to focus on identifying new possibilities and solutions, and actively pursuing them with dedicated effort, people can often find unexpected ways to improve or escape difficult situations.
Revaluing perceived constraints from a new angle may involve considering the regrets one might have if they don't act and tomorrow turns out to be their last day. Another approach is weighing the possible negative outcomes of remaining in the current situation against the potential benefits of venturing toward uncertain alternatives. Leo Skepi also suggests a paradigm shift, contending that many issues seen as insurmountable are actually resolvable. He advises setting aside time to brainstorm and document all potential escape routes, emphasizing the value of talking to people for fresh perspectives and advice.
Reaching out to strangers, older mentors, and supportive loved ones can provide new insights and encouragement to help overcome feelings of being trapped.
Skepi underscores the importance of expanding your social encounters to include random individuals, soliciting guidance from elders due ...
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Feeling trapped or stuck in a situation and finding a way out
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Counterarguments
- While altering one's mindset can be beneficial, it may not always be sufficient to change a situation, especially if there are external factors beyond one's control that contribute to the feeling of being trapped.
- The idea that perceiving oneself as "stuck" is a false reality may not acknowledge the validity of someone's emotional experience or the complexity of their situation.
- The suggestion to consider regrets if one doesn't act assumes that action is always possible or that inaction is the primary cause of feeling stuck, which may not be the case for everyone.
- Weighing negative outcomes against potential benefits assumes that individuals have the necessary information and resources to make such assessments, which might not always be true.
- The advice to reach out to strangers and mentors for insights and encouragement may not be practical or comfortable for everyone, particularly for those with social anxiety or trust issues.
- The emph ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Possibility Journal" where you write down one new path or idea each day that could potentially change your current situation. This could be as simple as learning a new skill online, reaching out to a new contact on a professional networking site, or even planning a small side project. The key is to make it a daily habit, ensuring that you're constantly generating new options for yourself.
- Start a "Regret Minimization" exercise by writing a letter to your future self, dated one year from today, detailing the actions you wish you had taken. This can help you visualize the cost of inaction and motivate you to pursue new opportunities. For example, you might write about the business idea you never pursued or the trip you didn't take, which can be powerful motivators to start acting on those ideas now.
- In ...
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Career setbacks and navigating rejections
Navigating the treacherous waters of career rejections and setbacks can be daunting, but with an objective focus and a growth mindset, such obstacles can become stepping stones toward greater achievements.
Approach Rejection Objectively and Seek Specific Feedback
When facing rejection or a lack of advancement in one's career, it is crucial to detach personal feelings from the situation and proactively seek out feedback. The speaker advises not to be disheartened by rejections but to inquire specifically what one needs to do or change to make it to the desired position. By talking directly to a boss or decision-maker and asking about the particular traits needed for the position and areas that can be improved upon, one can gain valuable insights.
Rather than see rejection as a personal failure, it should be viewed as a chance to have honest conversations about the requirements for the next level. Leo Skepi emphasizes the importance of consulting with decision-makers on what skills or qualifications are necessary and taking their advice seriously. Once the required areas of improvement are identified, creating a game plan to develop those capabilities is a crucial next step.
Maintain a Positive, Growth-Oriented Mindset
Maintaining a positive, growth-oriented mindset and showing persistence are key factors in eventually reaching one's career objectives. Rejections can often signal that it is time for deeper self-reflection to find personal blind spots or behaviors that could be blocking progress. Rather than ruminating on the rejection, it's better to focus on the game plan to improve the necessary skills and gain relevant experience.
After a denied promotion or transfer, seeking feedback to understand any shortcomings and showing dedication to self-improvement is recommended. Leo Skepi encourages active engagement in both seeking what one is lacking and working to acquire it. This helps eliminate subjective criticism and fosters resilience through visible, dedic ...
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Career setbacks and navigating rejections
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Counterarguments
- While seeking specific feedback is generally beneficial, it can sometimes be difficult to obtain honest and constructive criticism in a professional setting due to corporate politics or a lack of direct communication channels.
- Rejection can sometimes be based on factors beyond an individual's control, such as budget cuts, restructuring, or internal politics, which may not be addressed through personal improvement alone.
- The advice to maintain a positive, growth-oriented mindset, while helpful, may not acknowledge the emotional toll that repeated rejections can have on an individual's mental health and well-being.
- The suggestion to use rejections as signals for self-reflection assumes that the individual is always at fault or has room for improvement, which may not always be the case.
- Taking action by scheduling meetings and striving to acquire needed skills assumes that the individual has the resources, time, and opportunities to do so, which might not be available to everyone.
- The emphasis on conveying determination and adaptability may inadvertently pre ...
Actionables
- Start a rejection journal to document and analyze each rejection experience, noting what feedback was given and your plan for addressing it. This can help you track your progress and ensure you're focusing on the right areas for improvement. For example, if you were told your project management skills need work, you could log this feedback and then detail your plan to take an online course or volunteer to lead a small project at work.
- Create a "skill-building roadmap" by listing the skills you need to develop, then match each skill with a resource or activity that can help you improve. This could include online courses, books, mentorship, or practice projects. If you're aiming to enhance your public speaking, you might pair that skill with joining a local Toastmasters club.
- Set up a monthly "feedback circle" with trusted colleagues or friends ...
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Unconventional relationship structures
Unconventional relationship structures, such as throuples and non-monogamy, present a complex paradigm that may not be suitable for everyone, demanding substantial trust, communication, and consent from all involved.
Non-monogamous relationship dynamics
In exploring non-monogamous relationships, it's critical to recognize that these arrangements necessitate a profound level of trust, open communication, and mutual comprehension among the involved parties.
The reality, as pointed out by the speaker and Leo Skepi, is that often individuals may enter into these arrangements not out of a genuine desire but rather to accommodate their partner's wishes. This mismatch in comfort and desire can lead to dissatisfaction.
Compromising personal comfort for the relationship
The speaker confesses to having a preference for exclusive, one-on-one relationships and an inability to fathom being part of a throuple, particularly expressing discomfort with the idea of sharing a partner sexually. This underscores the essential nature of personal boundaries and the inherent challenge some face in adjusting to non-conventional relationship structures.
There's an acknowledgment of the difficulty some have in grasping the comfort level required to maintain a non-monogamous relationship. The concern highlighted by Skepi reflects a common scenario where one partner might acquies ...
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Unconventional relationship structures
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Counterarguments
- While trust, communication, and consent are indeed crucial in unconventional relationships, some might argue that these elements are equally important in conventional relationships and not unique to non-monogamous or throuple arrangements.
- The assertion that non-monogamous relationships require a profound level of trust and communication could be countered by suggesting that these relationships simply have different challenges and that the level of trust and communication required is not necessarily more profound but rather different in nature.
- The idea that individuals enter non-monogamous relationships to accommodate their partner's wishes might be challenged by the perspective that some people may discover personal growth and satisfaction in exploring non-monogamy, even if it was initially not their preference.
- The importance of personal boundaries is universal and not limited to unconventional relationships; thus, the challenge of adjusting personal boundaries is not exclusive to non-monogamous or throuple relationships.
- The struggle to grasp the comfort level needed for non-monogamous relationships could be seen as a reflection of societal norms and stigmas, and some might argue that with more societal acceptance, this struggle would diminish.
- The claim that happiness in non-monogamous relationships is rare without equal enthusiasm could be countered by pointing out that relationships are dynamic, and feelings towards the ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to navigate non-monogamous structures, detailing your mutual expectations, boundaries, and communication strategies. This can be a living document that you both contribute to and revise as your relationship evolves. For example, you might include a monthly check-in section where you discuss how you're feeling about the relationship and any adjustments that need to be made.
- Develop a personal "relationship comfort barometer" by regularly journaling your feelings and experiences in the relationship. Use this as a tool to gauge your comfort levels over time, helping you to identify patterns and decide when to communicate discomfort or the need for change. For instance, you might rate your comfort level on a scale from 1 to 10 each week and note any specific events that influenced your rating.
- Engage in role-reversal e ...
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Maintaining a sense of self and routine during major life changes
Leo Skepi discusses how establishing consistent personal rituals and habits, as well as reconnecting with one’s core values, can provide stability and grounding during significant life changes such as moving cities, countries, or switching jobs.
Establishing consistent personal rituals, habits, and ways of presenting oneself
Leo highlights that maintaining a sense of routine is crucial for stability amidst change. For instance, he talks about habits like spraying a particular cologne on his bed before sleep to ensure a sense of familiarity, regardless of his location. He further emphasizes the significance of consistent eating habits and a uniform style of dressing as methods for preserving stability and recognition of self when the external environment is in perpetual flux.
Consciously cultivating a mindset of openness and adaptability
Leo Skepi also stresses the importance of cultivating a mindset of openness and adaptability to change. He encourages individuals to embrace a sense of adventure and not to dwell on how things could or should be different. By embracing the newness that comes with each experience, individuals can navigate major life transitions with a greater sense of ease and self-assuredness.
Regularly reconnecting with core values, principles, and one’s fundamental sense of identity
While maintaining outward routines is helpful, Skepi also speaks to the importance of internal consistency. He suggests acting in line with one’s values and morals regardless of external changes. This alignment ensures a l ...
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Maintaining a sense of self and routine during major life changes
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Counterarguments
- While establishing personal rituals and habits can provide stability, over-reliance on them may hinder adaptability and the ability to cope with unexpected changes that disrupt these routines.
- Uniformity in eating habits and dressing might offer comfort, but it could also lead to a lack of variety and missed opportunities for cultural integration, especially when moving to new environments.
- A mindset of openness and adaptability is valuable, but it's also important to acknowledge and process feelings of loss or grief that can accompany major life changes.
- Embracing newness is beneficial, yet it's equally important to set boundaries to prevent overwhelm and to ensure that change is manageable and healthy.
- While reconnecting with core values is crucial, it's also natural for values and principles to evolve over time, and rigid adherence to them may limit personal growth.
- Predictability in character and actions is reassuring, but it can also lead to a fixed mindset that res ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal "change journal" to document your daily rituals and reflect on how they provide stability. Start by writing down your morning routine, work habits, and evening rituals. Reflect on how these actions make you feel and how they contribute to your sense of stability. For example, if you always start your day with a cup of tea and ten minutes of reading, note how this sets the tone for your day and helps you stay centered during times of change.
- Develop a "values deck," a set of cards with your core values written on them, to physically reconnect with your principles daily. Take an index card or piece of paper and write down a value that is important to you. Do this for as many values as you feel define you. Each morning, shuffle your deck and draw a card, using it as a focal point to guide your actions throughout the day. For instance, if you draw "compassion," find ways to demonstrate compassion in your interactions that day.
- Initiate a "community connec ...
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