Caring About What People Think Makes Them Not Like You. Control Yourself (Episode 122)
In this episode of the Aware & Aggravated podcast, Skepi dives into the draining cycle of people-pleasing and the exhaustion caused by constantly adapting oneself to avoid criticism. He encourages listeners to embrace authenticity, voicing their true opinions and needs despite potential backlash. The discussion examines why people feel compelled to criticize others, often as an outlet for their own needs and self-expression.
Skepi advises focusing on personal intentions over external assumptions, remaining steadfast in pursuing one's path. He offers strategies for withstanding pressure to conform, reiterating that being genuine - not yielding to every critic - ultimately makes others more comfortable with one's authentic identity.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 31, 2024 episode of the Aware & Aggravated
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1-Page Summary
Overcoming Exhaustion from People-Pleasing
Skepi identifies an unsustainable form of people-pleasing defined by adapting to avoid criticism, exhausting one's true self. He encourages listeners to seek authenticity over conformity and acceptance.
Pitfalls of People-Pleasing
The cycle of adapting to please others and seeking relief from criticism is painful, Skepi notes. This pursuit of universal liking cultivates a façade, not genuine love or acceptance. Ultimately, the effort of constant changing becomes more draining than embracing one's real identity.
Owning Your True Self
Skepi emphasizes voicing authentic opinions and needs, even if criticized. Only through this honesty can one experience respect and security. He advises confronting an authentic self, then carrying that identity despite backlash - a worthwhile trade for ending people-pleasing exhaustion.
Why People Criticize
People's Interests Motivate Criticism
According to Skepi, people often criticize because expressing their true feelings - including criticism - serves their own emotional needs and interests more than constant appeasement does.
The Emotional Appeal of Taking Offense
Being "offended" provides an outlet for honest self-expression, permitting authenticity. For some, offense also commands validation they may otherwise lack.
Staying True Despite Others' Opinions
Anchor in Your True Intentions
Skepi advises focusing on personal intentions, not others' assumptions dictating actions. Being rooted in one's reasons allows ignoring baseless criticism, understanding thoughts don't necessitate action.
Pursue Your Path Over Pleasing Others
He warns against catering to approval exhaustively at the cost of identity and personal desires. You should chase your ambitions without overburdening yourself with detractors' judgments.
Withstanding External Pressures
You Can Remain Steadfast
Skepi affirms facing criticism is inevitable but you can withstand pressure to change by anchoring in your "why." Go after your wants despite some disapproval; being genuine, not conforming, ultimately comforts others.
Don't Yield to Every Criticism
You'll encounter disapproval pursuing your path, but this doesn't require altering your essence. The key is staying focused and comfortable under that pressure without escaping scenarios. You're equipped to handle not meeting expectations.
Direct Your Focus Mindfully
Only Acknowledge Aligned Associations
Per Skepi, by understanding your intentions, you're less rattled by misinterpretations. Don't expend energy on critics. Instead, acknowledge only what aligns with your desired impact, reinforcing your authentic aims and identity.
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Clarifications
Counterarguments
- While authenticity is important, sometimes adapting to social norms and expectations is necessary for harmony and effective collaboration in both personal and professional settings.
- Seeking to please others is not always negative; it can be a form of empathy and consideration that strengthens relationships and builds community.
- Voicing authentic opinions and needs without regard for others' feelings can sometimes be perceived as selfish or insensitive, and it's important to balance honesty with tact.
- Criticism is not solely motivated by the critic's emotional needs; it can also be constructive feedback intended to help the individual grow or improve.
- Being offended does not always serve as an outlet for honest self-expression; it can sometimes be a reaction to perceived disrespect or injustice.
- Focusing solely on personal intentions might lead to a disregard for how actions affect others, which can result in unintended harm or conflict.
- While it's important not to lose oneself in the pursuit of approval, seeking feedback and being open to change can lead to personal growth and better outcomes.
- Being steadfast in the face of criticism is valuable, but flexibility and the ability to adapt can also be strengths, especially in a rapidly changing world.
- Ignoring all criticism may prevent one from recognizing valid points that could contribute to personal or professional development.
- Acknowledging only aligned associations could lead to confirmation bias, where one only engages with information that confirms pre-existing beliefs, potentially missing out on diverse perspectives.
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Overcoming Exhaustion from People-Pleasing
Skepi addresses a form of people-pleasing linked to an unsustainable relationship with criticism that can lead to exhaustion and a loss of self. Listeners are encouraged to recognize the emotional toll of adapting to please others and to seek a truer expression of self.
Why People-Pleasing is Unsustainable
The Painful Process of Finding Your Real Self
People-pleasers exhaust themselves in a cycle of trying to be everything that others want, adapting to avoid pressure or seeking relief from criticism. However, this cycle is unsustainable as it never truly fosters acceptance or love; the love gained is for a façade, not the real self. This façade can be off-putting as people-pleasers often come across as if they have no opinions or needs, avoiding being a bother at the expense of their authenticity.
Trying to remain safe and universally liked is seen as futile, often leading to feelings of disconnection and misery due to an entire identity shaped by conformity rather than genuine personal traits. The pain and effort of constantly changing to please others prevents authentic feelings of love and acceptance. Ultimately, the speaker suggests the immense effort of people-pleasing becomes more exhausting than the challenges of building and voicing a genuine self.
Choosing to Take Criticism's Consequences
Skepi emphasizes the importance of voicing your opinions and needs even though it may result in criticism; it's through this authenticity that others can genuinely appreciate who y ...
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Overcoming Exhaustion from People-Pleasing
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- An unsustainable relationship with criticism in the context of people-pleasing suggests that constantly changing to avoid criticism or seeking validation through pleasing others is not a healthy or lasting way to interact with feedback. It implies that relying on external validation through conforming to others' expectations can lead to exhaustion and a loss of one's true self. This dynamic can create a cycle where individuals prioritize avoiding criticism over expressing their authentic opinions and needs, ultimately hindering genuine self-acceptance and connection with others. The term highlights the detrimental effects of basing one's self-worth on external approval rather than cultivating a sense of inner authenticity and self-respect.
- When someone constantly adapts their behavior to please others, it can take a toll on their emotions. This emotional toll stems from the pressure to meet others' expectations, often leading to feelings of stress, anxiety, and a sense of losing one's true self in the process. The continuous effort to prioritize others' needs over their own can result in a depletion of emotional energy and a lack of fulfillment in personal relationships. This cycle of adapting to please others can lead to a disconnect from one's authentic feelings and desires, causing internal conflict and a sense of dissatisfaction.
- A façade in the context of people-pleasing represents a false front or persona that individuals create to meet others' expectations, often at the expense of their true feelings and identity. The real self, on the other hand, is the authentic core of a person, reflecting their genuine thoughts, emotions, and values without pretense or adaptation for external approval. The façade is a mask worn to fit in or avoid conflict, while the real self embodies one's unique essence and beliefs. Striving to align with the real self involves shedding the façade and embracing one's true nature, even if it means facing criticism or disapproval.
- The consequences of criticism in this context refer to the negative feedback or disapproval one may face when expressing their true opinions and needs instead of constantly trying to please others. It involves being open to potential judgment or backlash for being authentic and true to oneself, which can lead to discomfort or ...
Counterarguments
- People-pleasing behaviors can sometimes be adaptive and beneficial in maintaining harmony in relationships and social cohesion.
- The desire to be liked and accepted is a natural human trait and not inherently negative; it can foster community and collaboration.
- Some individuals may derive genuine satisfaction and a sense of purpose from helping and pleasing others, which can be a part of their authentic self.
- The text assumes that criticism is inherently negative, but constructive criticism can be a valuable tool for personal growth and improvement.
- The concept of a "real self" can be overly simplistic, as individuals are complex and multifaceted, and their identities can change and evolve over time.
- Voicing opinions and needs without considering others' feelings or the context may sometimes lead to unnecessary conflict or harm relationships.
- The idea that people-pleasers lack authenticity may not account for the fact that some individuals have more fluid or adaptable personalities by nature.
- The emphasis on individual authenticity may overlook the impor ...
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Understanding People's Criticism
Criticism is an omnipresent aspect of human interaction, and its motivations can be complex. People often engage in criticism because it aligns with their own interests and emotional needs.
People Criticize Because it Serves Them
People may criticize because it serves their own interests; they may prefer not to be catered to and find an incentive in resisting easy appeasement. This stance allows them to express their opinions and feelings authentically, which includes voicing their criticism.
Feeling Offended Makes People Feel Authentic
The act of being offended has seemingly become a societal hobby, where people actively seek it out to establish a sense of authenticity. This perspective posits that individuals may actually desire the feeling of offense because it provides them with a reason to be themselves more openly and honestly. They find comfort and a sense of self in being able to voice what they truly feel. The state of being offended permits people to let go of caring about others' perceptions, which for some might be the only route to showing their true selves.
Criticism Makes People's Feelings Matter
For individuals who feel their em ...
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Understanding People's Criticism
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Criticism can be a way for individuals to express their emotional pain or displeasure caused by someone else's actions. By voicing their criticism, individuals can bring attention to their feelings and assert the importance of their emotional experiences in interpersonal relationships. This act of criticism can serve as a tool for individuals ...
Counterarguments
- Criticism can also be a constructive tool for growth and improvement, not just a means to serve personal interests or emotional needs.
- Not all criticism stems from a desire to express authenticity; it can also be motivated by a genuine concern for others or a situation.
- The idea that feeling offended is a societal hobby may be an overgeneralization and does not account for the complexity of why people feel offended.
- People may care deeply about others' perceptions even when they are offended, and their expression of offense could be a plea for understanding rather than a dismissal of others' views.
- Criticism and the expression of offense are not the only ways to assert the importance of one's feelings; there are various forms of communication that can achieve this without negative connotations.
- The need f ...
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Refusing to Change for Others' Approval
Leo Skepi addresses the importance of remaining authentic and not allowing the pursuit of others' approval to dictate one's actions or sense of self-worth.
Focus on Your Intentions, Not Others' Assumptions
Skepi advises listeners to get very clear on their intentions and anchor into them. He explains that caring about what people think isn't inherently an issue, but being controlled by it is problematic. It is the relationship to those thoughts and the subsequent actions that are matters of concern. When facing criticism, he notes that being anchored in your true intentions offers reassurance, allowing you to opt not to care about others' opinions.
Follow Your Own Path, Not Someone Else's Expectations
The speaker emphasizes the significance of living authentically and focusing on being the ultimate version of oneself without self-censorship or avoiding action due to fear of criticism. Skepi suggests that changing actions based on others' opinions causes annoyance and discomfort. He insists that one should not let the thoughts and emotions connected to others' opinions dictate their behavior.
He warns against radically altering oneself for the sake of others' acceptance, stressing the importance of staying true to oneself despite the desire for approval. The speaker connects being skilled in many areas to past endeavors to change themselves, indicating that these talents were obtained through failed attempts to be what others wanted.
Skepi advises against catering to others to the extent of exhaustion or creating a personality merely to prove one's goodness and worthiness, as this can lead to a loss of identity. He talks about the mental toll it takes when people restrain themselves from pursuing what they desire in ord ...
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Refusing to Change for Others' Approval
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Leo Skepi discusses the negative impact of changing oneself to seek approval from others. He highlights how altering actions or behaviors based on external opinions can lead to a loss of identity and personal fulfillment. Skepi emphasizes the importance of staying true to one's authentic self and pursuing personal happiness without being overly influenced by the need for external validation. He warns against the mental toll of suppressing one's desires or talents to conform to others' expectations.
- Understanding the difference between caring about others' opinions and being controlled by them involves recognizing that it's natural to consider feedback from others, but being controlled by it means letting those opinions dictate your actions and sense of self-worth. It's about maintaining a healthy balance between valuing external perspectives while staying true to your own intentions and beliefs. This distinction lies in how much power you give to external opinions over your own decisions and self-perception. It's important to care about feedback without letting it overwhelm or manipulate your authentic self-expression.
- Self-censorship is when individuals hold back or modify their thoughts, feelings, or actions to align with what they believe others expect or approve of. This behavior can lead to a loss of authenticity as people may suppress their true selves to conform to external standards. It can hinder personal growth and fulfillment by preventing individuals from expressing their genuine intentions and desires. Embracing authenticity involves being true to oneself without filtering or altering one's identity based on external pressures or expectations.
- Creating a false personality for approval involves presenting oneself in a way that is not authentic to gain acceptance or validation from others. This behavior often stems from a fear of criticism or rejection, leading individuals to modify their actions, beliefs, or characteristics ...
Counterarguments
- While authenticity is valuable, sometimes adapting to social norms and expectations is necessary for effective communication and relationship building.
- Considering others' opinions can sometimes lead to personal growth and improvement, as constructive criticism can be beneficial.
- In certain professional or social contexts, being too anchored in one's own intentions without regard for others can be perceived as stubbornness or insensitivity.
- There are situations where compromise is essential, and being flexible in one's behavior can lead to better outcomes for all involved.
- The pursuit of authenticity should not be an excuse for disregarding the feelings or rights of others, especially in diverse societies.
- Some degree of concern for others' opinions is natural and can be healthy, as it can foster empathy and social cohesion.
- In certain cultures, collective harmony is valued over individual expression, and not seeking approval may lead to social isolation.
- Being influenced by others is not always a sign of weakness; it can also be a sign of openness to learning and adapting.
- The advice to not alter oneself might not ...
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The Reality of Facing Criticism as a Human
Understanding how to navigate criticism is a fundamental aspect of maintaining one’s identity and following individual desires despite external pressures.
You Can Withstand Pressure Without Changing
Facing criticism is an inevitable part of life, especially when pursuing goals that may not align with the expectations of others. It’s crucial to be rooted in the knowledge of why you are doing something. Skepi notes that anchoring into your reasons provides reassurance and helps ignore baseless criticism. He stresses that thoughts and emotions don't necessarily warrant action, highlighting the concept as an element of emotional discipline.
Go After What You Want Despite Some People's Disapproval
It's important mentally to bolster oneself to the point of not being significantly affected by people's opinions. People will make assumptions, and it is entirely possible to withstand this pressure without having to change. By being clear about your intentions and desires, you can remain steadfast in the face of criticism.
The speaker underscores that being genuine and having personal opinions is comforting to others, implying that it's preferable to face criticism for who you are than avoid it by changing to appease others. By confidently voicing your true thoughts and standing firm, you assert your identity and demonstrate resilience.
The inevitability of stepping on social 'mines' means that you should consciously choose which criticisms to face. The speaker encourages pursuing one's path despite the pressure or disapproval from others, suggesting that enduring criticism is essential to maintain a true sense of self.
If you capitulate under pressure, you may never respect yourself or feel secure in your identity. You must embrace who you have discovered yourself to be and confront backlash.
You should not let the dislike of some rob you of potential relationships with those who would appreciate you. Skepi reiterates the need to pursue what you want even if it leads to disapproval from some. Don't allow criticism from a few to prevent you from being true to yourse ...
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The Reality of Facing Criticism as a Human
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Clarifications
- Emotional discipline involves managing your thoughts and feelings without letting them dictate your actions. It's about staying in control of your emotions, especially in challenging situations, to make rational decisions. This discipline helps you respond to criticism objectively and not reac ...
Counterarguments
- While anchoring into your reasons can help ignore baseless criticism, it's also important to be open to constructive criticism that can lead to personal growth and improvement.
- Emotional discipline is valuable, but it's also important to acknowledge and process emotions, as they can provide important information about our values and boundaries.
- Being clear about intentions and desires is crucial, but flexibility and adaptability in the face of new information or changing circumstances can also be strengths.
- While being genuine is comforting to others, there are situations where diplomacy and tact may be necessary to navigate social or professional environments effectively.
- Voicing true thoughts and standing firm is important, but there are contexts where compromise and consensus-building are more appropriate strategies.
- Choosing which criticisms to face is a conscious decision, but sometimes criticism cannot be anticipated or avoided, and one must be prepared to deal with it unexpectedly.
- Enduring criticism is part of maintaining a sense of self, but it's also important to maintain a balance and not endure toxic or abusive behavior under the guise of resilience.
- Pursuing what you want despite disapproval is important, but it's ...
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Choosing Where to Place Your Focus and Attention
Finding your center and deciding where to direct your attention and focus can have a significant impact on your peace of mind and self-fulfillment.
Getting Anchored in Your True Intentions
Acknowledging Only Supports the Associations You Want
According to Leo Skepi, individuals can benefit from understanding and adhering to their true intentions. By doing so, you are less affected by others' misinterpretations or assumptions. Skepi emphasizes that people's brains often look to fit experiences into their own narrative rather than seeking reality. Therefore, it's crucial not to expend energy catering to critics. In doing so, you remain authentically yourself and maintain sanity in the face of outside criticism.
For instance, Nara, an online content creator, continues with her passion for sharing her joy of cooking despite criticism, because she understands her true intention and enjoys making videos for her audience. Similarly, Skepi himself, whose podcast fell in rankings due to a technicality, chose to stick with his mission rather than getting caught up in the temporary drop.
By choosing only to acknowledge the supports that align with ...
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Choosing Where to Place Your Focus and Attention
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Counterarguments
- Acknowledging criticism can sometimes be beneficial for personal growth and improvement.
- True intentions may evolve over time, and being open to feedback can help refine them.
- Not all critics are detractors; some may offer valuable insights that can help align intentions with actions more effectively.
- Complete disregard for others' perceptions can lead to social isolation or misunderstandings in personal and professional relationships.
- There is a balance between staying true to oneself and adapting to constructive feedback that can lead to a more well-rounded and empathetic individual.
- External validation, while not the sole focus, can be ...
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