Podcasts > Aware & Aggravated > “No Contact” Handbook & Breakup Guide (Episode 120)

“No Contact” Handbook & Breakup Guide (Episode 120)

By Leo Skepi

In the recent installment of "Aware & Aggravated," host Leo Skepi provides a candid exploration of the tumultuous seas of post-breakup recovery. Skepi likens the emotional turmoil to navigating a fresh wound, cautioning against impulsive decisions powered by raw feelings and advocating for a measured approach to process the loss. Listeners are guided through techniques aimed at stabilizing these overwhelming sensations, such as journaling and self-soothing, to curb the tides of vulnerability that often lead to regrettable actions.

Further solidifying strategies for healing, Leo Skepi delves into the significance of re-establishing personal boundaries to regain a sense of control. Emphasizing the importance of integrity and self-preservation, the episode explores the challenge of resisting reactionary behaviors and the necessity of cutting emotional cords for true detachment. Skepi underscores the process of letting go not only through physical gestures, such as parting with an ex's possessions, but also through symbolic acts marking a substantive stride towards renewed personal identity and growth.

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“No Contact” Handbook & Breakup Guide (Episode 120)

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“No Contact” Handbook & Breakup Guide (Episode 120)

1-Page Summary

Dealing with the Painful Emotions that Come in Waves After a Breakup

Leo Skepi compares the emotional aftermath of a breakup to a severe physical wound, emphasizing the emotional instability that follows the loss of a partner and the life once shared. Skepi strongly advises against making immediate decisions during periods of intense emotion. Instead, he suggests writing down feelings to process them more safely and waiting 12 hours before acting on any urges to contact an ex. Additionally, he recommends nurturing the 'inner child' within oneself, providing reassurance and comfort, and avoiding actions driven by desperation and vulnerability.

Setting Boundaries and Taking Your Power Back Once You Know the Relationship is Over

After a breakup, it is crucial to set boundaries to reclaim personal power and protect one's peace. Skepi warns against letting emotions cause actions that do not align with one's true self, which can lead to regret. Time limits on how long to remain in relationship limbo and maintaining integrity are critical, as is refraining from reactionary behaviors such as signing up for dating apps out of spite or re-reaching out to an ex. Skepi also highlights the importance of removing your heart from your ex's view by not reacting to social media posts or engaging with mutual acquaintances who may keep you emotionally tied to your ex. Instead, Skepi advises focusing on self-care and moving towards personal growth and happiness.

Letting Go of Their Belongings and Any Lingering Emotional Attachment

Skepi acknowledges the emotional difficulty involved in disposing of an ex's belongings, recognizing it as an essential step to end emotional attachment. He suggests allowing oneself a moment of grief when handling an ex's items, validating the feelings of sadness and recommending a symbolic act like burning the items to finalize the detachment. For gifts already bought for an ex, he cautions against giving them to the intended recipient, proposing that one should instead give them away or dispose of them to sever emotional ties sharply.

Marking a New Phase of Your Life After the Breakup to Help You Move Forward

Skepi acknowledges that beginning a new chapter after a relationship can be daunting and suggests undertaking symbolic gestures, such as getting a tattoo or a haircut, to demarcate the new phase in one's life. These acts serve as a claim over a part of oneself untouched by the past relationship. Furthermore, he advocates for more significant transformations, like moving to a new state, which can provide a clean slate and help commence the journey of self-discovery and growth away from the memories of the past relationship.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Relationship limbo typically refers to a state of uncertainty or indecision in a romantic relationship where the status or future of the relationship is unclear. It can involve a period of waiting, hesitation, or lack of progress, often characterized by a sense of being stuck or in a state of emotional limbo. This phase can be marked by confusion, mixed feelings, and a lack of closure, making it challenging to move forward or make decisions about the relationship. Setting time limits on how long to remain in this state and taking steps to clarify the situation are important for personal well-being and moving towards resolution.
  • Reacting to social media posts typically involves engaging with or responding to content shared by others on social media platforms like liking, commenting, or sharing posts. In the context of a breakup, reacting to an ex-partner's social media posts can maintain emotional ties and hinder the process of moving on. It is advised to refrain from interacting with an ex's social media presence to facilitate emotional detachment and focus on personal healing and growth. This action can help in setting boundaries and prioritizing one's well-being post-breakup.
  • Engaging with mutual acquaintances who may keep you emotionally tied to your ex means interacting with people who are connected to both you and your former partner. This can include friends, colleagues, or family members who may inadvertently remind you of your ex or share information about them, potentially hindering your emotional healing process. By avoiding interactions with these mutual acquaintances, you can create space to focus on your own well-being and move forward from the past relationship.
  • When disposing of an ex's belongings to end emotional attachment, it involves removing physical reminders of the past relationship to help facilitate emotional closure and moving on. This process can be emotionally challenging as it signifies letting go of a significant part of one's past. It is a symbolic act that can aid in the healing process by creating a sense of finality and closure. By parting with these items, individuals can start the process of detaching themselves emotionally from the memories associated with the ex.
  • Burning items as a symbolic act to finalize detachment after a breakup is a common practice that represents letting go of emotional ties to the past relationship. It is a way to create closure and signify a definitive end to that chapter in one's life. By burning these items, individuals can release any lingering emotional attachment and start fresh without the weight of the past. This act is meant to be cathartic and can help in the process of moving forward and focusing on personal growth.
  • Undertaking symbolic gestures like getting a tattoo to demarcate a new phase is a way to physically mark a significant change or transition in one's life. Tattoos can serve as permanent reminders of personal growth, transformation, or a fresh start after a breakup. They can symbolize closure from the past and a commitment to moving forward with a renewed sense of self. Such acts can help individuals mentally and emotionally separate themselves from past relationships and embrace a new beginning.
  • Moving to a new state after a breakup can symbolize a fresh start and a break from past memories. It offers a physical and emotional distance from the familiar surroundings associated with the previous relationship. This change can provide an opportunity for self-reflection, personal growth, and the exploration of new experiences. It allows individuals to redefine themselves outside the context of the past relationship and create a new narrative for their lives.

Counterarguments

  • While waiting 12 hours before contacting an ex can be helpful, some individuals may benefit from a different timeframe or approach based on their unique circumstances.
  • Writing down feelings is a useful tool for many, but others may find alternative forms of expression, such as art or physical activity, more therapeutic.
  • The concept of nurturing the 'inner child' might not resonate with everyone, and some may prefer more practical or direct methods of self-comfort and reassurance.
  • Setting boundaries is important, but the process can be complex and may require ongoing adjustment rather than a one-time action.
  • Time limits on remaining in relationship limbo can be helpful, but they may also add pressure; some individuals may need more flexibility as they heal.
  • While avoiding reactionary behaviors is generally sound advice, some people might find that certain actions, like signing up for dating apps, can be part of a healthy moving-on process when done thoughtfully.
  • The suggestion to avoid all contact with mutual acquaintances could potentially lead to unnecessary social isolation; it might be more beneficial to assess each relationship individually.
  • The recommendation to dispose of an ex's belongings and gifts might not be suitable for everyone; some may find it more healing to keep certain items, especially if they hold sentimental value beyond the relationship.
  • Symbolic gestures like getting a tattoo or a haircut can be empowering for some, but others may prefer less permanent ways to mark a new phase in life.
  • Moving to a new state or making other significant life changes can be beneficial, but such drastic steps are not always practical or desirable for everyone and could lead to additional stress.
  • Emotional detachment is a complex process, and burning items might not be the best approach for everyone; some may find it more helpful to donate or repurpose items to let go gradually.

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“No Contact” Handbook & Breakup Guide (Episode 120)

Dealing with the Painful Emotions that Come in Waves After a Breakup

Leo Skepi delves into the heart-wrenching emotional aftermath of a breakup, comparing the suffering to a grave physical injury and explaining why the profound emotional fluctuations can make one feel like losing their sanity.

Why you feel like you're going insane with the drastic emotional ups and downs

Letting yourself feel the emotions fully without taking action

Skepi paints the painful journey post-breakup as a roller coaster of extreme emotions, fluctuating between intense grief and anger. He acknowledges the emotional instability that stems from the loss of a partner and the life one knew, as the brain struggles with the loss and the longing to return to the comfort of the past relationship. Importantly, Skepi advises against immediate actions during these intense emotional periods. For instance, he suggests writing down feelings instead of sending them to an ex-partner. This practice gives space to process emotions safely, with a recommendation to wait 12 hours before deciding whether or not to reach out, avoiding decisions based on fleeting emotions.

Talking to the "childlike desperation" part of yourself

Skepi suggests speaking to the "childlike desperation" part of oneself to provide comfort and reassurance during times of intense, desperate emotions post-breakup. He discoura ...

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Dealing with the Painful Emotions that Come in Waves After a Breakup

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Comparing the emotional aftermath of a breakup to a grave physical injury is a metaphor used to emphasize the intensity of emotional pain experienced post-breakup. Just like a severe physical injury can cause immense suffering and disrupt daily life, the emotional turmoil from a breakup can be equally distressing and impactful. This comparison highlights the depth of emotional distress and the significant impact it can have on an individual's well-being and functioning. It underscores the idea that emotional wounds, like physical ones, require time, care, and healing to recover from fully.
  • When someone experiences a breakup, their brain can struggle with the loss because it has become accustomed to the relationship. This familiarity can lead to a longing to return to the comfort and security that the past relationship provided. The brain's response to this loss can trigger intense emotions and a strong desire to seek out what was familiar, even if it may not be the healthiest choice in the long run. This struggle is a common part of the grieving process after a breakup.
  • When advising against immediate actions during intense emotional periods, the focus is on avoiding impulsive decisions driven by heightened emotions that may not align with your long-term well-being. Taking time to process emotions before acting can prevent regrets or further complications that may arise from acting hastily. This approach encourages individuals to pause, reflect, and make decisions from a calmer and more rational state of mind. By allowing space for emotions to settle, individuals can ...

Counterarguments

  • While comparing emotional pain to physical injury can be helpful for some, others may find that it minimizes the unique complexities of emotional healing, which can be very different from physical recovery.
  • The feeling of losing sanity might be an exaggeration for some individuals who experience breakups with more resilience or who have a strong support system in place.
  • Not everyone will experience extreme emotions post-breakup; some may feel relief or a sense of freedom, depending on the circumstances of the relationship.
  • Emotional instability is a common reaction to loss, but it's not universal; some people may have a more stable emotional response due to their coping mechanisms or personality.
  • The advice to avoid immediate actions during intense emotional periods might not be suitable for everyone; some individuals may benefit from confronting their emotions directly or may need to take immediate action for practical reasons.
  • Writing down feelings is a useful strategy for many, but it might not be effective for everyone; some people may need to express their emotions through other means, such as physical activity or art.
  • The recommendation to wait 12 hours before deciding to reach out assumes that time will always provide clarity, which may not be the case for everyone; some decisions might require more or less time to contemplate.
  • Speaking to the "childlike desperation" part of oneself assumes that everyone has an inner dialogue that can be accessed and reasoned with, which may not resonate with all individuals.
  • The suggestion to not act on impulses may be overly cautious; in some cases, following one's intuition can lead to positive outcomes and personal ...

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“No Contact” Handbook & Breakup Guide (Episode 120)

Setting Boundaries and Taking Your Power Back Once You Know the Relationship is Over

When a relationship ends, regaining your personal power and protecting your peace requires setting clear boundaries and adjusting behaviors to reflect a new stage of independence.

Not letting them get you "out of character" with your actions

One of the most important aspects of reclaiming your power after a breakup is to resist allowing your emotions to dictate actions that are not reflective of who you are. The speaker notes that such actions, made in emotional highs, often lead to regret. To avoid these pitfalls and to maintain composure, it's essential to set a time limit for how long you'll remain in limbo, avoiding indefinite waits which could run you "crazy."

Additionally, it's advisable to maintain your integrity and not engage in out-of-character behaviors, like signing up for a dating app merely to provoke your ex-partner, or engaging in other reactionary behaviors that aim to send a silent message. Leo cautions against reaching back out after you've ended things, as it can be both unfair to your ex-partner and lead to actions that betray your true self. Keep the focus on healing and rebuilding your life rather than making your ex-partner accountable or seeking explanations.

Removing your heart from the equation in their eyes

It is crucial to disengage from behaviors that tether you emotionally to your ex-partner, such as checking their social media or yearning to see if they share in your pain. Boundaries should extend to not reacting to social media posts, especially if you encounter a dealbreaker. Also, avoid contact with mutual acquaintances who may serve as indirect links to your ex-partner during this sensitive post-breakup ...

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Setting Boundaries and Taking Your Power Back Once You Know the Relationship is Over

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • A "dealbreaker" is a term used to describe a specific issue or behavior that is considered unacceptable or intolerable in a relationship. It is a boundary that, if crossed, would lead to the end of the relationship. Dealbreakers vary from person to person and can include issues like dishonesty, lack of respect, or incompatible values. Identifying and respecting each other's dealbreakers is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
  • Setting boundaries in relationships involves establishing clear guidelines for what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable from others. These boundaries help protect your emotional and physical well-being, define your personal limits, and ...

Counterarguments

  • Setting a strict time limit for how long you'll remain in limbo might not be practical for everyone, as the healing process varies greatly from person to person.
  • Maintaining integrity is important, but it's also natural for people to explore new behaviors and coping mechanisms after a breakup, which might include trying out dating apps.
  • While it's generally good advice to avoid reactionary behaviors, sometimes reaching out to an ex-partner can lead to closure or amicable resolutions when done thoughtfully.
  • Completely disengaging from an ex-partner might not be possible or healthy in cases where children, shared businesses, or other significant co-dependencies are involved.
  • Avoiding mutual acquaintances can sometimes lead to unnecessary social isolation and might not be feasible in tight-knit communities or workplaces.
  • While it's important to focus on one's own emotional well-being, completely disregarding an ex-partner's feelings can sometimes be perceived as cold or unempathetic, especially if ...

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“No Contact” Handbook & Breakup Guide (Episode 120)

Letting Go of Their Belongings and Any Lingering Emotional Attachment

Letting go of an ex-partner's belongings is an emotionally charged process that signifies the end of lingering emotional attachments. This emotionally difficult task can be a critical step in the healing journey.

Breaking down when you decide to get rid of their stuff

When you make the decision to remove your ex-partner's items from your life, it's common and natural to experience a breakdown. Leo Skepi acknowledges that throwing away or getting rid of an ex's belongings is painful but necessary. They suggest holding your ex's items, such as a shirt or hoodie, and allowing yourself a moment of grief, using the items to wipe away tears, to help process the intense emotions associated with this step. Skepi gives permission to be sad, to cry, and after dealing with the emotional wave, to consider more final actions like burning the items to symbolize the severing of the connection.

Not giving them gifts you already bought them

For gifts already bought for an ex, Leo Skepi strongly advises against giving them to the ...

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Letting Go of Their Belongings and Any Lingering Emotional Attachment

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Burning items as a symbolic act is a practice that some individuals use to signify letting go or closure. It is often seen as a way to release emotional attachments and signify the end of a chapter. This act can be cathartic for some people, providing a physical representation of moving on from a p ...

Counterarguments

  • Letting go of belongings may not always signify the end of emotional attachments; some individuals may detach emotionally without needing to discard physical items.
  • For some, keeping certain items might serve as a healthy reminder of personal growth or as a way to honor the past without negative emotional consequences.
  • A breakdown is not an inevitable response; some individuals may feel relief or a sense of liberation when removing their ex-partner's items.
  • Holding onto an ex's items could potentially prolong the grieving process for some people, rather than help them move on.
  • While expressing sadness and crying can be therapeutic, it's also valid for individuals to process their emotions in other ways that do not involve outward displays of grief.
  • Symbolic actions like burning items may not be environmentally friendly or safe, and alternative methods of letting go could be considered.
  • Giving gifts bought for an ex to them could, in some cases, provide closure or maintain a healthy pos ...

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“No Contact” Handbook & Breakup Guide (Episode 120)

Marking a New Phase of Your Life After the Breakup to Help You Move Forward

Starting anew after the end of a relationship can be challenging. To aid the transition and mark the beginning of a new chapter, individuals often make significant changes in their lives.

Doing something symbolic like a tattoo or haircut

Leo Skepi speaks to the idea of doing something symbolic as a way of marking a new phase in one’s life, for instance, getting a tattoo or a haircut. Skepi discusses the sentiment behind getting a new tattoo, viewing it as claiming a part of oneself that the ex-partner has never touched. This act is symbolic of moving into a version of oneself that is untouched by the past relationship. Skepi argues that these physical transformations are decisions made independently of the former partner—decisions that help individuals differentiate their new selves from who they were while in the relationship.

Moving states or somewhere new

On a larger scale, Leo Skepi advocates for more radical forms of transformation, such as moving to a new state. They ...

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Marking a New Phase of Your Life After the Breakup to Help You Move Forward

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Leo Skepi discusses the sentiment behind getting a new tattoo as a way to symbolize claiming a part of oneself that the ex-partner has never touched. This act represents a physical transformation that helps individuals differentiate their new selves from who they were while in the relationship. Getting a tattoo can be seen as a personal decision made independently of the former partner, signifying a fresh start and a break from the past.
  • Moving to a new state can catalyze personal growth by providing a fresh environment that challenges comfort zones, fostering independence and self-reliance. It offers opportunities for new experiences, relationships, and perspectives, encouraging individuals to adapt, learn, and grow in unfamiliar settings. The process of navigating a new state can lead to increased resilience, problem-solving skills, and self-discovery as individuals face and overcome the challenges of starting afresh. This change can symbolize a break from the past, allowing for a transformative journey towards self-improvement and a new chapter in life.
  • Physical transformations, like getting a tattoo or ch ...

Counterarguments

  • Symbolic gestures like tattoos or haircuts may not address underlying emotional issues and can be impulsive decisions that one might later regret.
  • Physical transformations might not necessarily lead to psychological or emotional change, and could be a superficial approach to dealing with the end of a relationship.
  • Tattoos are permanent and may not be a suitable choice for everyone, especially if their feelings about the breakup or the symbolism of the tattoo change over time.
  • A haircut, while less permanent than a tattoo, may not have a significant impact on one's healing process and can be seen as a minor change.
  • Moving to a new state is a major decision that involves significant financial, social, and professional implications, which may not be feasible or beneficial for everyone.
  • Relocation can be a way of avoiding dealing with personal issues rather than confronting and resolving them.
  • Starting fresh in a new place does not guarantee personal growt ...

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