Do you feel like you’re working too much? Do you often work rather than spend time with loved ones?
Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, shares that one common deathbed regret her patients had is that they prioritized work instead of relationships. Finding a work-life balance is imperative for your happiness and the happiness of those around you.
Here’s what the dying had to say about their relationships with work.
The Regret of Putting Work Before Relationships
One common regret that Ware’s patients had was working too much instead of spending time with people they cared about. In their final days, many of her patients wished they had prioritized their loved ones instead of their careers and material success.
(Shortform note: Carving out small pockets of fun, memorable time spent with loved ones can help you avoid this regret. In The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin suggests that in the midst of seemingly urgent tasks in your everyday life, you should spare a few moments for goofiness. When you choose to be goofy, it boosts everyone’s mood and happiness, allowing you to enjoy even the smallest activities with your loved ones. For example, instead of rushing your kids to school in the morning, consider spending a few minutes being silly with them, such as having a dance party while getting dressed.)
To illustrate, Ware shares the story of John, who deeply regretted having dedicated so much of his life to his work. For years, his wife wanted him to retire so they could travel together, but John enjoyed the sense of importance that came with his job and kept putting it off. Months before his scheduled retirement, his wife fell ill and passed away. Nearing the end of his own life, John told Ware that he wished he’d found a better work-life balance.
(Shortform note: Research shows that workers 65 years of age and older, as well as those with higher incomes, tend to be the most satisfied with their jobs overall, which may explain why John kept putting off retirement against his wife’s desires. However, in our modern “hustle culture,” there are growing movements pushing back against this tendency to overwork and neglect other areas of life. In China, many young people are “lying flat” (or tang ping)—rejecting societal pressures to overwork and compete, and instead living minimally and prioritizing simple pleasures. Also, the Great Resignation in the wake of Covid-19 saw millions quitting their jobs to pursue better work-life balance or more meaningful work.)
Simplify Your Life
To avoid the regret of working too much, Ware recommends you simplify your life by reflecting on what you need and getting rid of what you don’t. She explains that getting caught up in chasing material success—such as having a bigger house or the latest technology—can cause you to overvalue work and lose focus on other things that matter to you. Instead, focus on the quality of your life rather than the quality of your possessions. In doing so, you can find a healthier balance between work and personal life and avoid the regret that comes from valuing the wrong things.
(Shortform note: In Rest Is Resistance, Tricia Hersey argues that modern societal norms, built upon a foundation of capitalism and white supremacy, has created a “grind culture” that treats people like machines, valuing them only for their productivity and wealth. This relentless pressure to achieve forces you to work nonstop and robs you of essential human experiences, like rest, leisure, and using your imagination. Hersey urges you to fight back against grind culture: Recognize that rest is a fundamental need, not a luxury, and prioritize it over material success.)
Work With Purpose
In addition to finding a better work-life balance, Ware also recommends you find work that aligns with your purpose. Some of Ware’s patients regretted doing the wrong work for too long. When you do work that you’re passionate about, you contribute more to the world. This kind of work stops feeling like work. Instead, it becomes a natural expression of who you are, and it also attracts the greatest rewards.
| Humans Are Driven by Meaning In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl writes that humans are primarily motivated by the search for meaning, not wealth. He cites a study that showed 78% of college students considered finding purpose in life more important than making a lot of money. Frankl adds that true meaning is found outside of ourselves—in the world and in service to others—echoing Ware’s suggestion to do work you feel passionate about. Recognize, however, that finding meaningful work likely won’t be easy, and embrace the challenges you face on your journey. According to Frankl, you’ll feel tension between where you are and where you want to be, but this conflict is what pushes you to grow, improve, and accomplish worthy goals. As Ware’s patients realized, the effort is worth it to avoid the regret of spending too long in the wrong job. |
