What happens when women try to meet society’s impossible standards? How does living in a male-dominated world affect women’s authentic identity and mental health?
Women in a patriarchal society face unique pressures that shape their behavior, appearance, and life choices from childhood. From an early age, girls learn that their worth depends on meeting strict social expectations—expectations that only grow more demanding as they age.
Keep reading to discover how these societal pressures impact women’s wellbeing
Women in a Patriarchal Society
In A Radical Awakening, Dr. Shefali Tsabary discusses the plight of women in a patriarchal society. She contends that women’s identities are so heavily influenced by societal standards—those regarding appearance, behavior, and roles—because they’re taught from girlhood that their worth is inherently tied to meeting these standards. When girls meet standards, they’re validated and praised; however, when they don’t—for example when they’re loud, when they question authority, or when they’re emotional—they’re disciplined and made to feel unworthy.
This discipline is overt, such as being punished by parents or teachers, and covert, such as being excluded by kids at school. With age, these standards and expectations permeate and gain prominence, dictating roles and behaviors in all areas of life—for example, motherhood, romantic relationships, career, and appearance. Further, Tsabary notes that the consequences of failing to meet standards also intensify—women risk financial, social, mental, and emotional hardships.
Tsabary explains that these standards are more stringent for women than men because we live in a patriarchal society—our rules and standards are designed by men to benefit them and give them power and dominance over women and children. This means that naturally, patriarchal standards more severely limit women’s ability to act freely than men’s and that the consequences for breaking standards are often more damaging for women.
| The Physical and Psychological Toll of the Patriarchy In Burnout, Amelia and Emily Nagoski reiterate that patriarchal standards regarding women’s appearance, behavior, and roles put an intense and unique pressure on them that men don’t experience—they feel they must conform in order to feel worthy and safe. However, like Tsabary, the authors explain that the effort to meet standards causes women to bend until they break. The Nagoskis elaborate further on the internal and external consequences women face due to patriarchal standards. They explain that the constant pressure to meet standards causes a mental, emotional, and physical state called “burnout.” This state of burnout causes women to stop caring about things they once felt were important like their health or career, feel physically and mentally exhausted, and struggle to manage their emotions and connect with others. This impacts all areas of their life from their career to their relationships. Further, the authors explain that women face numerous external consequences—many of them a result of male behavior that exist due to patriarchal standards that teach men to be dominant takers and women to be submissive givers. For example, these standards make it commonplace for women to be interrupted and silenced by men, which causes women constant stress and often disadvantages them in the workplace. These standards also make sexual violence against women much more common and much less prosecuted: Women have to constantly worry about the threat of violence from men, and if they’re assaulted, they often endure the trauma alone out of fear that they won’t be believed if they speak up. |
Consequently, says Tsabary, women try so hard to meet standards and avoid reproach that their true identity—their authentic thoughts, feelings, and desires—fade into the background. Instead of facing situations and asking “What do I want? What’s in my best interest?” they automatically respond based on how they believe they can meet standards and gain safety and security.
(Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown reiterates that many women fail to express their authentic identity because of the pressure they feel to meet external standards. Her research shows that there are two primary factors that cause women to behave like this. First is the desire to meet societal expectations and fit into their larger community. Second is the desire to be accepted by their loved ones—many women fear their loved ones won’t accept this “new” version of them, which can be even more painful than being rejected by strangers. Brown discusses a few techniques to overcome these specific fears.)
Tsabary explains that women’s automatic responses and false identity (the one formed based on societal standards) are a protective shield called the ego. The egoic identity emerges to protect women from the backlash they’ll receive if they act according to their true selves. While it can help women stay afloat in patriarchal society, it ultimately hinders them by suppressing their true selves.
(Shortform note: In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle agrees that the ego is a mechanism to protect us (both men and women) from the fear of being unworthy. However, he adds that the ego does more than just protect us from the backlash of breaking societal expectations. In its attempt to inflate our feelings of worthiness, it causes us to crave superiority over others and to fulfill that craving by seeking forms of instant gratification that distract us from finding long-term fulfillment—for example, money, possessions, popularity, and so on.)
