Do you want insights about women and communication? Do you want to transform challenging interactions into opportunities for connection and influence?
In Unbound, Kasia Urbaniak suggests that often in various exchanges, one person unconsciously assumes a position of dominance, while the other person, without realizing it, takes on a more submissive posture. By honing their focus, women gain the ability to deliberately select their position and mold the interaction to their advantage.
Discover practical techniques that will transform your ability to communicate effectively in any situation.
How to Steer Conversations
The book delves into the complexities of women and communication, highlighting the crucial ability that women need to cultivate for successful navigation of these exchanges. Urbaniak explores the discomfort that numerous women feel toward systems of authority and dominance, underscoring the importance of acknowledging these influences as omnipresent, irrespective of individual inclinations. By grasping and applying these principles, women can transition from a reactive position to proactively sculpting their interactions to fulfill their aspirations.
The Importance of Focus in Conversations
Urbaniak suggests that the concepts of “dominance” and “submission” fluctuate based on the focus of an individual, instead of being static traits or reflective of one’s status in society. In her method, dominance involves shifting your attention to the people engaged in the exchange. By concentrating externally, you gain the ability to perceive the other individual, evaluate their reactions, and steer the dialogue. In contrast, submission entails deep introspection, genuinely engaging with your emotions and ambitions, and expressing them honestly. Effective communication relies on the significance of each condition.
Consider the scenario where you are initiating a conversation with your supervisor to request an advancement in your position. When you occupy a position of power, you tailor your approach by carefully observing the reactions of those above you. Are they inclined to demonstrate openness? Doubting? Dismissive? You adjust the way you communicate and your strategies based on the feedback you receive. The desire for advancement, when acknowledged as legitimate and articulated with confidence, stems from a deep connection with that goal. Effective communicators frequently transition smoothly among various styles to match the demands of the situation.
Techniques for Keeping Attention Outward and Avoiding Self-Focus
Urbaniak highlights that societal norms often lead women to focus their attention more on their internal experiences. From a young age, we learn to place the desires and needs of others before our own, leading us to constantly seek ways to meet and adjust to their demands. Focusing on oneself often leads to self-doubt and reduced confidence regarding our personal goals and dreams. To overcome this, the author offers several techniques.
A method described as “Shifting the Focus” is employed. Should you start feeling swamped or uncertain, inquire something of the person you’re engaging in dialogue with. Shifting attention outward is a method to regain composure and reestablish tranquility. When faced with an intrusive question like “When are you having kids?” instead of replying straightforwardly, shift the focus back to the questioner by asking what prompted their curiosity, whether they are aware of the personal nature of their question, or if it’s typical for them to probe into private matters. This approach skillfully sidesteps the initial inquiry, positioning you advantageously by encouraging the other individual to assume a defensive position.
Urbaniak introduces a technique known as “The Jason,” which is named in honor of a volunteer instrumental to its development. To keep your attention on another person, it’s crucial to steer your outward focus through a continuous inquiry. By refining this technique, you bolster your capacity to curb the tendency to retreat, amplify your assertiveness, and sharpen your focus on the counterpart, thus guiding the conversation and shaping the exchange.
Overcoming Barriers in Communication
This section of the text explores a common obstacle faced by women in the realm of communication, detailing strategies for interaction when confronted with refusal or a negative response. Urbaniak portrays resistance not as a sign of failure or personal insult, but as an opportunity to build connections and influence people. By grasping the underlying reasons for resistance, we can adeptly steer through it, thereby reinforcing bonds and fostering the development of creative solutions.
The Genuine Motives and Worries of Someone Else
When encountering opposition, Urbaniak suggests identifying the other individual first. This entails recognizing their true feelings and understanding the motivations that lead them to say no. Can you articulate the emotions you’re feeling right now, explain how you felt when I asked, or share what frightens you? It assists in voicing the other individual’s issues and fosters an environment conducive to conversation.
Propose an adventurous getaway to your significant other. They instantly dismiss the proposal with a resolute “Under no circumstances!” Instead of pushing back or shutting down, take a moment to locate them. Which part of my proposal is making you uneasy? By showing that you are fully aware and understand their perspective, you reduce tension and create a setting that encourages ongoing conversation.
Embracing Opposition as a Pathway to Exerting Influence
The author advises recognizing and embracing the perspective of the other individual. Recognizing their emotions and their entitlement to those emotions does not signify concurrence with their behavior or endorsement of their viewpoints. This phase frequently seems against our instincts, which usually involve confronting opposition or disregarding it. Recognizing the legitimacy of someone else’s perspective can indeed alleviate potential disputes, showing a readiness to thoughtfully evaluate their position with openness and respect.
Continuing the previous example, your partner discloses their reluctance due to a fear of heights and unease with impromptu travel. I understand your concern about heights – feeling constrained can be tough when you’re keen to explore new adventures. I value your candor regarding the need for additional travel planning. This recognition will likely ensure that they sense their opinions are acknowledged and respected, which can lead to a more productive dialogue.
Steering the Dialogue Positively
After recognizing and understanding the condition of the other person, the next step is to influence their perspective. Urbaniak suggests that we closely monitor the strength of our emotional responses, identifying the specific points at which they reach their highest intensity. This involves closely observing the language they use and noting any alterations in their physical presence.
To delve deeper into the subject, one might seek additional information by posing inquiries like, “What elements of this holiday are making you anxious?”, “How can we enhance your sense of security?”, or “Would a varied type of travel make you more comfortable?” The objective is to shift their viewpoint by connecting with their core aspirations and apprehensions, not by altering their opinions through argument or persuasion. A thoughtful and considerate method can pave the way for innovative resolutions that fulfill the requirements of all involved parties. Perhaps you uncover a route that invigorates you both, or you decide to jointly design the journey, blending your companion’s fondness for organization with the excitement of encountering the unexpected.
