Why is pain important in life? Can pain be a bearable feeling?
Phil Stutz and Barry Michels explain that our natural avoidance of pain—emotional or physical—keeps us from stepping out of our comfort zones and engaging with opportunities that lead to a fulfilling life. For example, if you’re scared of the inevitable pain of losing a pet, you deprive yourself of a meaningful relationship.
Check out three reasons why pain can be a good thing.
Reason 1: Embracing Pain Makes It Bearable; Running Away Makes It Worse
Phil Stutz and Barry Michels explain why pain is important in their book The Tools. Avoiding the discomfort of a difficult situation not only allows the problem to plague you for longer, but it wastes time and energy that you could spend overcoming the issue and moving on. Instead, embracing problems puts you in sync with the natural, universal power of positive momentum: an onward movement that keeps you in motion. When you persist through challenges rather than run from the pain they might cause, you also build positive momentum by proving to yourself that you’re capable of overcoming challenges. This builds your confidence, which helps you more readily embrace the discomfort of future challenges.
| Avoiding Discomfort Can Worsen Your Fears Avoiding uncomfortable situations also disrupts your life because it reinforces and further amplifies your fears. You may start to make unconscious associations between whatever you fear and other things that feel similar—causing your original fear to expand and you to avoid new things. For example, say you fear not being good enough for a promotion at work, so you avoid opportunities that could lead to advancement. Your own avoidance of these opportunities further convinces you that you aren’t good enough to be promoted. This spiraling behavior may cause you to avoid opportunities to perform well and worsen your feelings of inadequacy until you leave your job altogether. Facing your fears voluntarily may feel uncomfortable in the present, but it will decrease your stress in the long term. Psychologists put this idea into practice with exposure therapy, in which you gradually expose yourself to increasingly intense versions of your fear. As you progress, your fearful associations with whatever you’re avoiding will fade and your confidence will improve. As your confidence improves, you’ll be able to take on more intense triggers. In other words, exposure therapy can help you initiate and sustain the positive momentum that Stutz and Michels describe. |
Reason 2: Perseverance Makes Suffering Meaningful
The authors point to Victor Frankl, a survivor of Nazi concentration camps, as an example of how you can view loss and suffering as opportunities to grow spiritually. Although Frankl lost all his loved ones and material wealth, he still preserved his integrity and spirit to move forward. He says that if he hadn’t done this, he would’ve succumbed to the suffering he experienced.
| Can We Find Meaning in All Forms of Suffering? In his book, Man’s Search For Meaning, Victor Frankl identifies three forms of suffering and offers corresponding strategies for finding meaning in each one. He argues that by deriving meaning from our suffering, we’ll be able to cope with it better. Stutz and Michels highlight the first kind of suffering Frankl discusses: pain. To overcome pain, Frankl suggests reframing it as an opportunity for personal triumph. For example, say you suffer from a chronic illness that isn’t obvious to other people. Instead of conceptualizing it as pointless suffering, focus on how it makes you aware of the fact that many other people like you are privately enduring pain. In this way, your pain can help you become more understanding and empathetic toward others. The second form of suffering Frankl describes is guilt. He says that to overcome feelings of guilt, you should recognize what makes you feel guilty and learn from it. For example, if you feel guilty about excluding your younger siblings from fun activities growing up, you could learn from the guilty feeling and decide to make your siblings feel welcome to hang out with you in the present. The third form of suffering Frankl discusses is death. He argues that we can make death meaningful by viewing it as a reminder that life is limited and we shouldn’t take it for granted. Thus, death can spur us to live a meaningful life that we can look back on and be satisfied with when our time runs out. |
Reason 3: Embracing Pain Allows You to Chase Your Purpose
The authors explain that when you aren’t deterred by the discomfort that’s inherent in meaningful pursuits, you can pursue them without reservation and live a more fulfilling life. For example, if you’re a romantic person who’s too afraid to ask someone out because you fear the pain of rejection, overcoming this fear will allow you to express and receive the romantic love that will fulfill you.
(Shortform note: The idea that discomfort is inherent in creating meaning is consistent with Rule 7 in Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, which says you should try to reduce unnecessary suffering in others and push yourself beyond your comfort zone in order to live more meaningfully. For example, reducing unnecessary suffering might mean having an uncomfortable conversation with someone who could use forgiveness. Though it’s uncomfortable, Peterson contends that this philosophy leads to more learning, more satisfaction with your life, and ultimately a more meaningful life.)
