Why is change so hard? What gives us a sense of meaning in life? What are the three stages of adaptation?
In his book Life is in the Transitions, Bruce Feiler explains that many people struggle to navigate life changes, especially transformations, for two reasons. The first reason is that change can alter the meaning of your life and the second is that adapting to change is similar to grieving a death.
We’ll go over each reason in detail below.
Reason 1: Transformations Change the Meaning of Your Life
Why is change so hard? Well, humans have an innate need to make meaning out of their life stories—the first expert to recognize this, Feiler says, was psychologist Victor Frankl, who explored how people found meaning in the wake of the Holocaust in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. Feiler proposes that meaning is composed of three elements—agency, belonging, and cause:
- Agency is a sense of personal power—the feeling that what you do matters.
- Belonging describes how you fit in with, value, and feel valued by others
- Cause is your connection to something larger than yourself that guides your actions.
(Shortform note: Feiler’s ideas about sources of meaning are similar to Frankl’s. In Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl suggests that you can find meaning by taking actions that align with your values (which corresponds roughly to agency), by experiencing love (which corresponds to belonging), or by transcending suffering. According to Frankl, you can transcend suffering by viewing your experience as a sacrifice or by allowing it to motivate you to act responsibly and make good decisions—for example, by taking action to prevent others from suffering in the future. This is comparable to Feiler’s definition of cause, since both concepts emphasize connecting personal experiences to a grander purpose.)
According to Feiler, we need all three of these elements to feel a sense of meaning in life. However, most of us have one element that dominates our lives in a given season. When a transformation hits, it challenges our dominant source of meaning. To cope with that sudden change, we need to shift to a new dominant source of meaning. To illustrate, consider how near-death experiences often make people reevaluate their priorities: A workaholic who has a stress-related heart attack might suddenly prioritize spending time with family (belonging) over career achievements (agency), or a victim of a violent crime might shift focus from their personal life (agency) to social and political advocacy (cause).
(Shortform note: Changing the way you find meaning in your life can be part of post-traumatic growth—a psychological phenomenon where a challenging experience leads to positive personal development. Post-traumatic growth often involves redefining your values, goals, and sense of purpose, which makes your life more fulfilling and enriched. Positive, non-traumatic stressors can spur growth, too, by alerting you to a source of meaning you previously neglected, dismissed, or were simply unaware of. For example, The Autobiography of Malcolm X describes how the civil rights leader’s travels abroad deepened his sense of belonging and solidarity with global struggles, leading him to embrace a more inclusive and universal perspective on human rights that he had not previously considered.)
Feiler says this shift in meaning-making takes time, as it requires reflection, exploration, and a willingness to embrace contradiction (since it may be difficult to reconcile your past experiences with your evolving understanding of what matters to you). Your new source of meaning probably won’t come to you as an epiphany, and you might experience a lot of emotional ups and downs as you navigate the transition period after a transformation.
(Shortform note: In Life Worth Living, theologians Miroslav Volf, Matthew Croasmun, and Ryan McAnnally-Linz explain how contemplating your life philosophy can help you decide how to make meaning of your life. According to them, your life philosophy is like a living document that encompasses all of your beliefs about what it means to live well. This includes your sources of meaning, and it changes as you gain life experience. The authors recommend contemplating your life philosophy regularly—perhaps even daily—so that you can reconcile contradictions between your past experiences and new insights as they arise. This may help you more smoothly and intentionally navigate the shift between different sources of meaning Feiler describes.)
Reason 2: Adapting to Change Isn’t Simple or Easy
Feiler says that each transformation is followed by an adaptation stage with three distinct phases:
- First, you realize that your old reality has ended, and you grapple with the difficult emotions that can accompany loss.
- Then, you start coping with (or struggling to cope with) the change by letting go of some habits and beliefs and replacing them with new ones.
- Finally, your new reality begins. You see yourself as a different person than you were before the transformative event, with a new sense of meaning, and you integrate the experience into your overall life story.
Feiler notes that these phases don’t always happen in that exact order, and you may need to revisit one or more stages. For example, if a loved one dies, you might experience several bouts of grief (the first phase). Additionally, Feiler says that most people have one phase they’re particularly good at dealing with and one they struggle with—for example, you might take a loved one’s death in stride emotionally but find it difficult to reconstruct your life without them (the second phase). Since adapting after change isn’t a linear or straightforward process, it can feel arduous. As you struggle through and revisit various phases of adjustment, you may feel uncertain about your future and doubt whether you’re making adequate progress in life.
| A Closer Look at Feiler’s Three Stages of Adaptation Other experts shed light on the three phases Feiler names and how you might proceed through them. Feiler’s first phase—realizing that your old reality has ended— can kickstart a grieving process. Many people expect grief to follow the famous “five stages” model, where you proceed linearly through states of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But experts say that grief is often much more complex than that model allows. For example, you may bounce back and forth between stages, skip some stages, or add stages that the model doesn’t account for, like shock, confusion, or even relief. You might struggle with this phase in particular if your grief is complicated—characterized by intense yearning, difficulty accepting the loss, or persistent feelings of emptiness and despair. What about Feiler’s second phase—coping or struggling to cope with the change? When you cope with change in a healthy way, psychologists call it adaptive coping. Adaptive coping strategies help you manage stress effectively and facilitate personal growth. For example, if you cope with a breakup by spending more time with friends or by taking up an exercise routine, you may find it easier to move past the pain, and you may also discover new opportunities for connection and self-improvement. In contrast, maladaptive coping strategies are those that might provide temporary relief but can lead to long-term difficulties. Such strategies include avoidance, denial, and dangerous risk-taking. If you find yourself really struggling with this phase, you might have an adjustment disorder—a mental health condition that’s typified by maladaptive coping strategies—that requires professional treatment. Experts note that Feiler’s third phase, when your new reality begins, can be difficult to reach on your own if the transformation you experienced was traumatic. Undergoing trauma therapy can help you process and make sense of the traumatic event, reconstruct your identity, and find meaning in your life story. Another hurdle some people face in trying to embrace their new reality is moving too quickly. For example, people overcoming addiction may overestimate their readiness to resume certain aspects of their previous life without adequate coping strategies, which can lead to relapse. |
