What Is Sympathetic Listening? A Key to Understanding Your Child

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

Like this article? Sign up for a free trial here.

When you listen to your child, what’s your goal? How can you help your kids process their emotions? What is sympathetic listening?

There’s listening, and then there’s sympathetic listening. Far more than just taking in what others are saying, you can understand them better than ever. It’s a critical skill for parents who want to know what’s really going on in their child’s mind, help them grow, and strengthen the bonds that tie them together.

Continue reading to learn what sympathetic listening is and how to practice it.

Sympathetic Listening

In 1-2-3 Magic, Phelan discusses ways to spend less time getting your kids to stop doing things they aren’t supposed to do and start doing the things they are supposed to do. Then, he shifts to the third and most enjoyable parenting task: cultivating a positive relationship with your kids. Phelan explains that having a deep, loving relationship with your children has two main components: being a sympathetic listener and enjoying one-on-one time with your child.

So, what is sympathetic listening? Being a sympathetic listener means listening to your child with the intention of trying to see things from their point of view. As Phelan explains, your only jobs are to understand the way they experienced a situation and then to relay your understanding back to them to make sure you got it right.

Sympathetic listening often begins with a simple, open-ended question or comment from you. For instance, “You looked a little frustrated when you got in the car after school today.” If the conversation stagnates or you need more clarification, you can add non-confrontational comments or questions, like: “Did it upset you when Johnny ruined your artwork?” or “Why do you think Johnny would do something like that?” With each comment or question, your goal is to deepen your understanding, not to teach a lesson or draw your own conclusions.

Sympathy in Children and Further Advice on Posing Questions

The authors of Difficult Conversations argue that listening well to someone makes it likelier that they’ll listen compassionately to you in return. So by making this effort to understand and verbalize what your child’s going through, you might increase the chances of your child giving you the same understanding in the future.

The authors also provide advice to guide your questioning: Avoid masking a statement as a question. If you do this, your child might perceive you as being snide and won’t want to engage. For instance, asking, “Are you upset?” if your child is openly crying might come across as condescending or willfully blind. Instead, it would be better to simply state: “You seem really upset. Want to talk about it?”

Sympathetic listening is often more easily said than done because it requires a great deal of parental self-control. As Phelan explains, there’s no place for parental judgment or opinion in sympathetic listening. Therefore, even if you’re disappointed or angry about how your child handled something, you need to stay focused on understanding their perspective rather than launching into a lecture about how they should have known better or providing your ideas for how to solve the problem or make amends.

(Shortform note: Another reason to build your empathy and avoid forming judgmental opinions is that kids learn empathy and sympathy from their parents. When parents are empathetic to their children by listening to them in the ways Phelan advises, children feel understood and trusted and can then display such empathetic behavior toward others. Therefore, when you take the time and effort to listen sympathetically, you’re also teaching sympathy to your child.)

There are many benefits of sympathetic listening. One is that it can help kids process and thus let go of negative emotions. When you communicate to your child that you understand why they were feeling upset, it honors their feelings about a situation, even if you’re not a fan of their actions. Another benefit is that sympathetic listening can help you avoid being an overbearing parent. When you refrain from lecturing, judging, and problem-solving for your child, you’re helping them build their self-esteem by showing them you trust them to independently handle setbacks and make good decisions.

(Shortform note: The benefits Phelan describes lead to another benefit of sympathetic listening: building a stronger bond with your child. When you express that you’re interested in understanding your child’s experience, they trust you more. Additionally, you become clued in to what’s happening in your child’s life, which allows you to support them better. If you start a habit of engaging in sympathetic listening early, it may make it easier to keep up as your kids enter their teenage years when communication and connection arguably become more difficult as teens pull away from their parents.)

What Is Sympathetic Listening? A Key to Understanding Your Child