Why do we constantly seek approval from others despite knowing it’s unfulfilling? What does it take to build genuine confidence that isn’t dependent on external validation?
In his book Unoffendable, Einzelgänger explores the fragile nature of the human ego and our persistent quest for validation from others. He explains why the need to validate yourself is crucial for living authentically and finding true fulfillment, rather than relying on the changing opinions of others.
Read more to discover how to break free from the endless cycle of seeking approval and develop unshakeable self-confidence.
Validate Yourself
The human ego, Einzelgänger explains, is fundamentally fragile and constantly seeks validation from others. Our carefully built self-image can be easily disturbed by critical remarks, and our natural responses are geared toward protecting our self-perception at all costs. He discusses why it’s pointless to pursue validation from others and critical to validate yourself.
(Shortform note: The relationship between ego fragility and defensive reactions can be traced back to our evolutionary past, where group belonging was essential for survival. As a result, negative feedback or criticism can be interpreted by our brains as a threat to social bonds, triggering protective responses such as anger. This sensitivity to criticism is often amplified in individuals with insecure attachment styles, as early attachment experiences significantly influence how people perceive themselves and their need for external validation.)
The Futility of Seeking External Validation
In this discussion, Einzelgänger explores the dangers of seeking validation from external sources. He emphasizes that tying our self-worth to others’ opinions inevitably leads to disappointment and argues that developing internal strength and independence is essential for living authentically and finding true fulfillment.
The core message highlights how dangerous it is to base our self-esteem on others’ perceptions, as this creates a constant state of discontent. By allowing our happiness to depend on external validation, we surrender control over our own emotional well-being.
Importantly, Einzelgänger points out that we cannot control how others perceive us. Each person’s viewpoint is inevitably shaped by their unique experiences and perspectives, regardless of our attempts to influence their opinions. When we depend on others’ approval, we become vulnerable to their changing views, which can cause significant emotional distress.
The pursuit of universal approval is futile and will only lead to frustration. No matter how hard we try to win people’s favor, there will always be those who disapprove of us or criticize our decisions. By letting go of our need for external validation, we free ourselves from this unnecessary source of anxiety.
| Shortform Note The influence of others’ opinions on our behavior and well-being is complex and multifaceted. Depending heavily on others’ approval can generate anxiety and stress, as individuals may constantly worry about how they are perceived, ultimately undermining their self-confidence and self-esteem. This need for validation can create cognitive dissonance when actions don’t align with personal beliefs, resulting in internal conflict and dissatisfaction. Much like market dynamics where a product cannot satisfy all consumers, it’s impossible for personal actions and choices to meet everyone’s expectations. Various factors shape how opinions are formed and valued in different contexts. Previous experiences and established reputations significantly influence how new actions are perceived, often leading to biased interpretations based on past interactions. Economic background plays a crucial role, as access to resources, opportunities, and experiences shapes individual perspectives and worldviews. Additionally, power struggles, jealousy, and competition in relationships can result in disapproval as a means of asserting dominance or control. Cultural differences further complicate this dynamic, as different societies place varying levels of importance on community approval versus individualism, affecting how much validation from others is sought or valued. |
Living Authentically: Freedom From External Validation
Einzelgänger emphasizes the importance of developing independence as a way to free ourselves from seeking external validation. At its core is the development of unwavering self-worth that remains steady regardless of others’ opinions.
According to Einzelgänger, our focus should be on living virtuously and pursuing personal goals and values, rather than striving to meet others’ expectations. When we align our actions with our core values, we create a more authentic and fulfilling life. This authenticity naturally reduces our concern about how others perceive us.
If we value creativity, for instance, we might pursue artistic endeavors simply for their own sake, without seeking widespread recognition. Similarly, when we help others without desiring praise or acknowledgment, we demonstrate genuine compassion and stay true to our values.
Einzelgänger stresses that we must stay true to our values without constantly seeking approval from others. To live authentically, we need to ensure our actions align with our personal beliefs, even when faced with others’ judgments.
When we embrace our individuality and share our distinctive talents, we create lives of deeper meaning and influence, which can motivate others to follow suit. As we let go of our constant need for validation from others, we develop greater self-reliance and resilience, maintaining our course even when faced with inevitable criticism.
| Shortform Note Philosophers throughout history, including Socrates and Nietzsche, have emphasized the importance of authentic living and warned against conforming to society’s expectations at the expense of personal integrity. Modern positive psychology research reinforces this philosophical perspective, showing that people who live authentically experience greater well-being and life satisfaction, largely because their actions align with their personal values and beliefs. The effects of living inauthentically manifest in real-world situations, such as when someone pursues a career purely for status. Such choices can damage personal relationships by requiring compromises in both time and fundamental values. This reflects the broader phenomenon of extrinsic motivation—acting for external rewards—which research consistently shows is less fulfilling than intrinsic motivation, where actions stem from genuine interest and enjoyment. While strong personal values are fundamental, unwavering rigidity in our convictions can limit personal growth and our ability to adapt to changing circumstances. Remaining receptive to feedback and criticism is essential, as external perspectives can help us enhance our values and aspirations. Dismissing valid critiques under the guise of self-reliance may cause us to overlook important opportunities for learning and development. Additionally, some external validation is necessary for mental health, as humans are inherently social creatures who need connection and acceptance from others. It’s also worth recognizing that meaningful impact doesn’t always require unique abilities; often, the most significant contributions to society come from performing ordinary tasks with extraordinary commitment and excellence. |
True Confidence Comes From Self-Validation
True confidence, rooted in virtue and personal growth, differs fundamentally from false confidence based on ego and external validation. Einzelgänger explains that authentic confidence develops from our actual skills and actions, rather than from others’ opinions or approval.
Genuine self-assurance comes from deeply understanding both our capabilities and our limitations. Instead of seeking validation from others, we build true confidence through our own accomplishments and demonstrated abilities. This authentic confidence requires honest self-reflection and an acceptance of our vulnerabilities.
True self-confidence, according to Einzelgänger, emerges through authentic and transparent behavior. Our genuine sense of self-worth develops when we embrace our individuality and accept our flaws, rather than seeking validation from others.
Exercise
- Engage in a weekly “Happiness Audit” where you review your week and identify moments when you felt happy because of internal factors versus external ones. Use this insight to plan the following week with a greater emphasis on activities that rely less on external validation or circumstances. For instance, if you find joy in learning, schedule time to explore a new hobby or subject independently.
- Start a “Perception Detox” by dedicating one week to making decisions based solely on your personal values and desires, without seeking external validation. This means choosing your activities, clothing, and even your social media posts without considering how others might perceive them. For example, wear an outfit that you love but think others might find unconventional, or spend your evening on a hobby you’re passionate about even if it’s not considered “cool.”
- Create a values vision board to visually represent your core values and desired life alignment. Start by identifying your top five values through introspection or a values-sorting activity. Then, gather images, quotes, and symbols that resonate with those values and arrange them on a board. Place the board somewhere you’ll see it daily to remind you of the life you’re aiming to create. For example, if one of your values is “family,” you might include photos of family gatherings or a quote about the importance of family time.
- Start a “Perception Detox” by dedicating one week to making decisions based solely on your personal values and desires, without seeking external validation. This means choosing your activities, clothing, and even your social media posts without considering how others might perceive them. For example, wear an outfit that you love but think others might find unconventional, or spend your evening on a hobby you’re passionate about even if it’s not considered ‘cool’.
- Create an “Art Swap” with friends where you make and exchange artwork with the understanding that the creations will not be posted on social media or publicly displayed. This encourages the appreciation of art as a personal and intimate exchange, rather than seeking likes or comments. You could paint a small canvas and swap it with a friend’s homemade pottery, enjoying the art for the sake of the personal connection it represents.
- Volunteer for behind-the-scenes work at a local charity or community organization, such as sorting donations, cleaning, or administrative tasks. These roles often go unnoticed but are crucial for the operation of many organizations. By choosing tasks that are not in the spotlight, you reinforce the habit of helping without expecting recognition.
