What are the most common regrets people have on their deathbeds? How can we learn from their regrets and mistakes?
In The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, a book by palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware, she shares the most common regrets her patients expressed in their final weeks. By learning from her patients’ reflections, you can gain clarity on what truly matters and make positive changes before it’s too late.
Continue reading to learn why these regrets are so common and how to avoid them in our overview of Ware’s book.
Overview of The Top Five Regrets of the Dying
Many people die with regrets, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In the book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware shares the five most common regrets her patients had in their final weeks of life. She argues that living without regret requires courage and reflection because society’s expectations and limiting beliefs can lead you to prioritize the wrong things and make choices that don’t actually make you happy. By learning from others’ end-of-life reflections, you can clarify what truly matters, stop procrastinating on making positive changes, and start living a life you won’t regret.
Ware is a songwriter, speaker, and a self-proclaimed “teacher of courage.” She entered the field of palliative care—providing comfort care for people with serious and often terminal illnesses—after leaving her banking career. The work resonated with her, and she ended up working eight years in palliative care, where she learned many life lessons from her patients. She has authored several other books including Bloom, a memoir about her experiences with an autoimmune disease, and Your Year for Change, in which she shares 52 inspiring stories for living regret-free.
In this guide, we’ve divided the five regrets Ware explores into two types: regrets about yourself and regrets relating to others. We’ll explain what these regrets are, why they’re so common, and how to avoid them. Then, we’ll explore Ware’s tips for developing more courage to make choices you won’t regret. Along the way, we’ll share psychological insights about regret and provide additional tips from self-help experts for living a fulfilling life.
Regrets About Yourself
The first type of regret Ware’s patients commonly expressed was regrets they had about themselves—things they wished they had done differently with respect to how they led their lives and treated themselves. These regrets reveal lessons about living authentically and choosing happiness.
The Regret of Not Living Authentically
Ware writes that the number one regret her clients had was not living an authentic life. Living authentically means acting and making choices based on what you truly want and on the values you believe in. Many of Ware’s patients expressed that they had let the expectations of others dictate how they should live instead of honoring their own dreams and desires.
Ware shares an example from one of her patients named Grace, who had lived according to society’s expectations instead of her own wishes: Despite wanting to travel the world and live free from her husband, she felt pressured to remain in an unhappy marriage. When her husband had to move into a nursing home and Grace finally gained freedom, she fell ill with a terminal illness. In her final moments, she regretted not having found the courage to live the way she wanted to sooner.
Find the Courage to Be Yourself
Ware writes that to live authentically, you must find the courage to let go of others’ expectations. Fear of judgment and ridicule can push you to hide or suppress your desires and even your identity to conform to the norm or to please others. Ware experienced this struggle herself, staying in unfulfilling banking roles for a decade because she was afraid of facing disapproval from her family. However, Ware argues that when you let this fear control your choices, you’ll almost inevitably have regrets at the end of your life.
Let go of others’ expectations by recognizing that they don’t matter in the end. Ware’s patients found that in their final moments, the opinions of others were meaningless.
The Regret of Neglecting Happiness
According to Ware, the second self-focused regret that people have at the end of their lives is not pursuing more happiness. She explains that many people postpone their happiness by tying it to future events, such as getting a better job or living arrangement. For example, you may think you’ll finally be happy once you buy a house or move out of your hometown. But Ware argues that happiness is a state you can create now, not something to unlock in the future. Waiting for external situations beyond your control to make you happy only delays joy.
Ware notes that some people don’t let themselves be happy because they feel undeserving or believe happiness must be earned. However, happiness isn’t a luxury or a limited resource—it’s freely available to everyone. Recognize that you deserve happiness, let go of limiting beliefs, and give yourself permission to be happy.
Choose Happiness
In her discussions with a client named Lenny, Ware learned that happiness is, to some degree, a choice. Despite losing his wife and three of his children, Lenny felt content with his life because he gave and received love freely. In doing so, he could look back on a life well lived.
Ware argues that people often overlook chances to feel happy, and she encourages you to make conscious choices to be happier. This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be happy when things are hard, but understanding that you have control over your focus. You can choose to dwell less on bad things and more on good things. Make small choices to notice things to be grateful for or find things that can make you smile, even when times are hard. For example, you could save funny YouTube videos that always make you laugh and watch them when you’re stressed.
Regrets About the People in Your Life
The second type of regret Ware’s patients expressed was regrets they had about how they treated people in their lives. They felt that they failed to properly nurture the important connections in their lives and wished they’d prioritized relationships more. In the following sections, we’ll discuss regrets about relationships and lessons on maintaining a healthy work-life balance, communicating openly with loved ones, and nurturing meaningful friendships.
The Regret of Putting Work Before Relationships
One common regret that Ware’s patients had was spending too much time working instead of spending time with people they cared about. In their final days, many of her patients wished they had prioritized their loved ones instead of their careers and material success.
To illustrate, Ware shares the story of John, who deeply regretted having dedicated so much of his life to his work. For years, his wife wanted him to retire so they could travel together, but John enjoyed the sense of importance that came with his job and kept putting it off. Months before his scheduled retirement, his wife fell ill and passed away. Nearing the end of his own life, John told Ware that he wished he’d found a better work-life balance.
Simplify Your Life
To avoid the regret of working too much, Ware recommends you simplify your life by reflecting on what you need and getting rid of what you don’t. She explains that getting caught up in chasing material success—such as having a bigger house or the latest technology—can cause you to overvalue work and lose focus on other things that matter to you. Instead, focus on the quality of your life rather than the quality of your possessions. In doing so, you can find a healthier balance between work and personal life and avoid the regret that comes from valuing the wrong things.
Work With Purpose
In addition to finding a better work-life balance, Ware also recommends you find work that aligns with your purpose. Some of Ware’s patients regretted doing the wrong work for too long. When you do work that you’re passionate about, you contribute more to the world. This kind of work stops feeling like work. Instead, it becomes a natural expression of who you are, and it also attracts the greatest rewards.
The Regret of Not Sharing Honest Feelings
Ware writes that another regret many of her patients had was not being brave enough to be honest about their feelings.
Her client, Jozsef, spent most of his life working and keeping his family at a distance because he was afraid to open up and show his feelings. Later in life, he realized that by not being honest, he’d missed out on the closeness, warmth, and love that come from communicating openly with others. In the end, he told Ware that he wished his family could truly know and understand who he was as a person.
While holding back your feelings can feel safer and easier in vulnerable moments, says Ware, it prevents you from building stronger relationships with others and being understood for who you really are. Words left unsaid create barriers because they prevent others from being able to understand you and respond to your real feelings and needs. Ware argues that honest communication, especially about difficult topics, deepens your relationships. For instance, Ware spoke honestly with her grandmother about her grandmother’s old age and the thought of losing her. This allowed them to say everything they wanted the other person to know, share meaningful thoughts, and appreciate each other.
Speak Your Mind
Ware writes that constantly worrying about how others might react prevents us from speaking our minds. To avoid the regret of not sharing your honest feelings, Ware suggests you openly express your emotions like children do—they never hesitate to show how they’re feeling, whether they’re happy, sad, or angry. Ware acknowledges that not everyone will react well to your honesty; for example, some might end their relationships with you. But others’ reactions can help you distinguish positive, healthy relationships from superficial ones. By being honest, you can be sure that the relationships that remain are based on mutual respect and understanding.
The Regret of Losing Touch With Friends
Ware writes that many of her patients regretted not trying harder to maintain their friendships. As people get busy with work and family, friendships often fall by the wayside.
Ware shares how one of her patients, Doris, felt lonely in a nursing home. She didn’t have any family around because her daughter was living in a different county, busy with her own life. Doris told Ware that she longed for the company of her friends and wished that she hadn’t let her friendships fade. After some research, Ware was able to contact one of Doris’s old friends and facilitated a phone call between the two, which lifted Doris’s spirits and brought her happiness in her final days.
Recognize the Value of Real Friends
Ware suggests you recognize the value of real friends: people who care about you, stick with you through difficult times, and accept you for who you are. She explains that surrounding yourself with the wrong people can leave you feeling lonely, even if you’re not alone, because those people don’t truly understand or accept you. And unlike family, who may sometimes expect you to be a certain way, real friends are happy with you the way that you are.
Spending time with real friends who share your interests, experiences, and philosophies makes you feel like you belong somewhere and that people care about you. So, when you find a real friend, put in the effort to reach out and maintain your relationship with them.
Tips for Finding the Courage to Live Authentically
Now that we’ve discussed the most common regrets that people have at the end of their lives, let’s discuss how to live without regret. Ware argues that living a life without regret requires vigilance, conscious decisions, and a lot of courage. She discovered this herself as she went through her own journey, abandoning a steady job in the banking industry for an unconventional life, pursuing songwriting, and caring for patients as a palliative care nurse.
In the following sections, we’ll discuss three of Ware’s tips for finding courage so you can live authentically and regret-free.
Tip 1: Accept Death as a Normal Part of Life
Ware writes that in our society, we avoid thinking and talking about death. Because of this, we often don’t know how to react when we encounter death in our lives—whether we’re facing our own or the death of someone close to us. Ware argues that to live without regret, we must accept death as a normal, unavoidable part of life.
Ware says that though it may feel uncomfortable, acknowledging your mortality gives you courage to live without regret: It reminds you to be intentional with your decisions, discern what truly matters, and live each moment in the most fulfilling way possible. You care less about others’ opinions and society’s expectations, and you stop chasing things that don’t make you happy. For example, when you reflect on death, you see that experiences and relationships hold more value than material possessions. In her work, Ware notes that none of her patients ever wished they’d bought or owned more things—they only cared about how they lived and impacted others.
Tip 2: Choose the Right Environment for You
To avoid regret, Ware also recommends choosing environments that match your goals and values. Your surroundings, such as where you live, work, and spend your time, strongly influence who you become, so you must find the right environments to support you.
Ware shares a story about a younger client that illustrates the impact your environment has on your life. After an accident, her client went into an assisted living facility. Ware noticed that before long, the energy and drive her client once had to learn, grow, and interact with the world began to fade. His new surroundings, whether he realized it or not, affected his mood and outlook.
Ware suggests you select the environments that line up with where you want to go in life and leave those that don’t. The right environments can inspire you to grow and be your best, while the wrong environments can make it harder for you to make good choices.
Tip 3: Accept Things Outside of Your Control
Finally, Ware advises you to accept things you can’t control. Letting go of your need for control allows you to act courageously. If you recognize that you’ll never fully be in control, focus on doing what you can, and trust that things will work out in the end, you’ll find it easier to be happy and make good choices, even if they scare you. For example, you can express yourself honestly, knowing that how others respond is out of your hands.
To help you accept that you can’t control everything, Ware recommends you practice meditation and self-compassion. First, practice meditation to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. When you pay more attention to your thoughts, you can notice when you’re having unhelpful thoughts and replace them with better ones. For example, if you make a mistake at work and start thinking, “I’m a total failure,” meditation can help you recognize this unhelpful thought. You can then replace it with a more balanced view like, “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t define me. I can learn from this and do better next time.”
Second, learn to have self-compassion by being kinder and more accepting of yourself. Self-compassion allows you to accept your situation and limitations, rather than fighting reality and berating yourself for what you can’t change. When you’re understanding of yourself, you can make hard decisions with less fear. You know that even if things don’t work out perfectly, you’ll treat yourself with kindness instead of self-criticism. This frees you to act with more courage and make decisions you won’t regret.
Exercise: Start Living Without Regret
Ware’s work with dying patients revealed five common regrets people have at the end of their lives. This exercise encourages you to reflect on your life choices and consider how they might help you avoid having these regrets.
- Consider the regret of not living authentically. In what areas of your life are you living according to others’ expectations instead of your own dreams and values? What’s one step you could take to start being more authentic?
- Many people expressed regret over working too much at the expense of their relationships. Reflect on your current work-life balance. Are you dedicating enough quality time to your loved ones? What’s one thing you could cut back on at work to make more space for your personal life?
- Ware found that many dying people wished they’d been more honest about their feelings. Is there someone in your life you need to have a difficult but genuine conversation with? What has been preventing you from opening up?
- Another common regret was losing touch with friends. Which friendships in your life have you been neglecting? What has prevented you from maintaining this connection, and how might you reach out to reconnect?
- Many patients realized they could have chosen to let themselves be happier. What are some small, everyday ways you deny yourself happiness? How could you give yourself permission to embrace more joy starting today?
