Why do social expectations for women end up hurting them? How can women find power beyond just being nice?
In Unbound, Kasia Urbaniak posits that historically, women adopted behaviors such as politeness, agreeableness, and prioritizing others’ needs as tactics for navigating a male-dominated social structure. However, in the contemporary world, these tendencies often limit our ability to express our needs and achieve our highest potential.
Learn more about how to confront expectations that prevent women from succeeding.
Understanding Societal Expectations of Women
Urbaniak delves into the social expectations of women that have historically urged women to value humility, deference, and the contentment of others, a perspective shaped in a time when cultural expectations demanded such conduct from the female gender. Such actions garnered societal approval and a safeguard against injury. Historical expectations have become outdated and can lead to negative outcomes in the modern era. Our tendency to prioritize courtesy and selflessness often leads to the suppression of our personal ambitions and wishes, thereby hindering our capacity to articulate our thoughts decisively, set definitive boundaries, and advocate for our personal interests.
Imagine a situation in which you consistently place your partner’s joy ahead of your own, investing a great deal of energy to satisfy their desires while neglecting your personal aspirations. Prioritizing the needs of others over one’s own can initially seem like a selfless act of love, but this frequently leads to resentment, fatigue, and a reduced sense of personal identity. By suppressing your own needs, you ultimately diminish your capacity for genuine love and connection.
Practical Tips
- Create a small peer support group with friends or colleagues where you can discuss and role-play scenarios that challenge traditional mindsets. This could involve practicing negotiation skills, such as asking for a raise or a promotion, in a supportive environment before approaching the actual situation.
- Start a conversation with friends or family about gender roles using a recent movie or TV show as a starting point. Choose a piece of media that portrays women in a non-traditional role and discuss how it contrasts with historical expectations. This can open up a dialogue about personal experiences with cultural norms and provide a comfortable setting for sharing and learning from each other’s perspectives.
- Engage in a “Role Reversal Exercise” with a friend or family member where you each spend a day or a specific situation acting opposite to your natural inclinations. If you’re usually courteous, consciously pursue a personal ambition, and if you’re typically ambitious, act with courtesy and selflessness. Afterwards, discuss the outcomes and feelings experienced during the exercise to gain insight into the impact of these behaviors on your life.
- Create a “boundary blueprint” by listing areas in your life where you need to set clearer boundaries, such as work, family, or social interactions. For each area, define what your limits are, why they are important to you, and how you will communicate and enforce them. This proactive approach will make you more confident in advocating for your personal interests.
- Initiate a mutual support pact with a friend: Partner with a friend to hold each other accountable for maintaining personal boundaries. Whenever one of you feels pressured to prioritize someone else’s needs at the expense of your own, discuss it with your pact partner. This strategy provides a support system that encourages both of you to stay true to your personal needs and helps prevent the build-up of resentment.
- Create a “needs and wants” conversation starter kit for use with friends and family. This can include cards with open-ended questions designed to encourage discussions about personal needs and desires. Use these during get-togethers to foster deeper connections and understanding. For instance, a card might ask, “What’s something you need more of in your life right now, and how can we support you?”
Redefining Power Beyond “Niceness” and Self-Denial
Urbaniak confronts the restrictive notion that women must embody niceness, selflessness, and conformity to be considered powerful. She argues that true empowerment is achieved when we are in harmony with our most authentic selves and when we express our desires boldly and without regret. We must break free from the traditional confines of the “compliant female” archetype and develop a fresh understanding of power that resonates with our principles, guaranteeing that we establish firm limits, place our health and happiness first, and communicate our realities with courage and authenticity.
Turning down an overload of tasks, even at the risk of disappointing someone, is essential for protecting one’s mental health. Pursuing a profession that brings you fulfillment while challenging societal expectations is a move toward aligning your career path with your core values and passions. By recognizing our inherent right to pursue, seek out, and reject, we convert power into a driving force for personal growth and the fulfillment of our capabilities, instead of a display of obedience and self-denial.
Practical Tips
- Create a “No” challenge for yourself where you consciously decline requests or invitations that don’t align with your interests or values for a week. This exercise aims to help you practice setting boundaries and prioritize your own needs and desires, rather than automatically saying yes to please others or avoid conflict.
- Create a “Boldness Bracelet” that you wear daily as a physical reminder to express yourself authentically. Each time you speak your truth or make a decision aligned with your authentic self, add a bead or charm to the bracelet. This tangible tracker serves as both a motivator and a visual representation of your journey towards empowerment.
- Develop a personal “assertiveness plan” that outlines specific ways you will assert your opinions and needs in situations where you might typically conform. This could include speaking up about your ideas in group settings, negotiating salaries or raises, or setting boundaries in personal relationships. Track your progress and adjust your plan as needed, ensuring that you’re continuously pushing against the boundaries of the “compliant female” archetype.
- Create a “Power Hour” in your daily routine where you focus solely on activities that enhance your well-being and happiness. Dedicate this time to activities like exercise, meditation, or a hobby that brings you joy, ensuring that you’re prioritizing your health and happiness each day. This practice will help you establish boundaries around your personal time and signal to others that your well-being is a priority.
- Create a “No” jar where you put a small amount of money every time you successfully decline a task that would harm your mental health. This tangible reward system can help reinforce your decision to say no, and the money saved can be used for self-care activities that promote mental health.
- You can start a “Values Journal” where you document daily activities and rate them according to how much they align with your core values and passions. Over time, this will help you identify patterns in what you find fulfilling and can guide you towards a profession that resonates with your personal beliefs. For example, if you consistently rate activities that involve helping others highly, you might explore careers in social work or healthcare.
- Develop a “capability bucket list” that includes skills and experiences you want to acquire or improve upon. Unlike a traditional bucket list, this one should be focused on personal capabilities and growth. For instance, if you’ve always wanted to learn a new language, include steps like downloading a language learning app, setting a daily practice goal, and finding a language exchange partner. Revisit and update the list quarterly to reflect on your progress and adjust your goals.
- Start a “Growth-Driven Power” journal where you record moments when you felt powerful and how you channeled that into personal growth. This could be as simple as speaking up in a meeting to share an innovative idea, which demonstrates using your influence to contribute positively rather than just following orders.
