How to Know Your Self-Worth in Relationships

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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What is the role of self-worth in relationships? Why should you take care of yourself while in a relationship?

Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff examines how self-compassion can improve your relationships. She says this can be done by allowing you to change your behavior so you can partner and parent more effectively.

Find out how to be a better partner and parent by showing yourself some love.

Practice Self-Compassion to Be a Better Partner

Neff says that self-worth in relationships supports your ability to be a better partner by making you self-reliant and able to have healthy conflicts with your partner. When you’re able to step back from heated conversations, soothe and validate your own feelings, and assess your situation more rationally, you’re less needy and less of an emotional drain on your partner. Creating space to care for yourself during difficult moments also allows you to gain your composure, which can help you refrain from lashing out, reflect on your own behavior, and apologize when necessary. (Shortform note: While Neff focuses on romantic relationships, much of the discussion applies to any relationship.)

Neff says that to show yourself compassion during challenging moments of your relationship—for example, during a fight with your partner—you should think about what you need in that moment (validation, support, etc.) and then tap into your inner resources to give that thing to yourself. For example, you might say to yourself: “I’m sorry you feel sad and hurt. It’s only natural under the circumstances. How can I help?” Acknowledging and validating your own feelings and needs gives you emotional distance and allows you to return to the conversation with a clearer head.

(Shortform note: Therapists offer three additional, concrete strategies beyond those central to self-compassion, to help you fight fair with your partner. First, if you’re in a heated discussion, the moment you feel yourself losing control, tell your partner directly that you need a time out so you can calm down, which will literally stop the blood from draining out of the part of your brain that regulates emotional control. Second, adhere to two strict “no no’s”: Don’t interrupt your partner while they’re talking, and don’t bring up the past. Your partner needs to feel as heard as you do, and raising the past distracts from the subject at hand.)

Practice Self-Compassion to Be A Better Parent

Neff says that when parents demonstrate self-compassion, not only do they improve their interactions with their children, they also teach their children to be self-compassionate by modeling the behavior. She argues that parents should teach their children self-compassion to help them navigate unavoidable parts of life, including pain, imperfection, and failure. Neff offers three tips to value self-worth in relationships with their children.

Tip 1: Be Kind to Yourself

Neff says that being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes in front of your child teaches them that parents are also humans who err, and that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow from. When you have a parenting failure—for example, screaming at your child for doing something infuriating—you can demonstrate kindness toward yourself by:

Taking a moment to acknowledge and be gentle with yourself about why you experienced the failure (your child threw her Cheerios with milk on the floor, leaving you with a mess to clean up).

Apologizing to your child for your outburst (“Honey, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was upset that you threw your cereal on the floor, but I could have told you that it’s not okay to make a mess that someone else has to clean up without yelling at you. I love you”).

Tip 2: Don’t Criticize Yourself in Front of Your Child

Neff says that criticizing yourself in front of your child (“I’m so stupid!” or “I can’t believe I gained five pounds—I’m disgusting!”) communicates to them that tearing yourself down in the face of your perceived failings is normal, acceptable behavior. In contrast, being gentle with yourself about your limitations in front of your child will encourage them to be similarly kind towards themselves when they feel insufficient and experience setbacks.

For example, if you realize that your sister’s birthday party is tonight and you forgot to bake the cake, rather than say: “I forgot to make Aunt Linda’s cake, I can’t believe how dumb I am!” try: “Shoot! I forgot to make a cake for your aunt’s birthday party tonight. I guess we’ll have to get a cake from the store—maybe you and I can pick out a themed cake that she’ll like!” This communicates to your child that to err is human—and not fatal.

Tip 3: Don’t Criticize or Shame Your Child When Correcting Them

Neff says that when parents routinely criticize their children for making mistakes, those children are more likely to be critical of themselves and experience anxiety and depression as adults. You can support your child’s sense of self-worth and help them understand the importance of self-compassion by offering corrections that make them feel understood rather than attacked, which also makes them more likely to respond positively to your correction. To do this, you should:

Make the target of your correction the child’s unwanted behavior, not their character, so they understand that you don’t like what they did, but that they’re not bad or unloveable.
Emphasize that mistakes don’t define us and are things to learn from. This normalizes the idea that errors and failure happen and aren’t world-ending.
Validate the feelings underlying their unwanted behavior so they feel seen and understood.
Offer your correction in a calm, neutral tone to prevent further escalating the situation.

How to Know Your Self-Worth in Relationships