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What is a self-protective attitude? How do we act when we’re too self-protective? What are the risks?
In his book Transcend, Scott Barry Kaufman explains what happens when we go too far to protect our egos and self-esteem. According to him, we can develop a self-protective attitude because self-esteem is so important to our psyches, demonstrating unhealthy behaviors to protect our opinions of ourselves.
Keep reading to learn about self-protective attitudes and how they can lead to unhealthy behaviors.
Self-Protective Attitudes & Unhealthy Behavior
In Transcend, psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman claims that because self-esteem is so important to our psyches, many people take extreme steps to protect it, leading to self-protective attitudes. Often, these extreme steps are forms of unhealthy behavior that seemingly help us maintain our high opinion of ourselves but that actually prevents us from growing. These unhealthy behaviors come from feelings of insecurity. To make up for their insecurities and protect their self-image, people take on a self-protective attitude, usually behaving in one of two ways: They’ll try to suppress or hide their insecurities, or they’ll overcompensate for their insecurities by inflating their ego.
People who try to hide their insecurities to protect their self-image do so because they’re uncertain about their own self-worth. To protect themselves, they’ll hide their feelings from others and actively avoid social situations that may damage their self-image. They’ll also be so desperate for validation from others that they get upset when they feel they aren’t getting the attention or respect they deserve.
This kind of self-protective attitude prevents growth because if someone avoids any person or situation that might be damaging, they may also inadvertently avoid people and situations that bring them joy and connectedness. Also, if someone is too focused on validation from others, their identity will be dependent on pleasing others.
| The Dangers of Inauthenticity Another term for healthy self-esteem is authentic self-esteem, and it may be helpful to frame it this way if you want to avoid potentially damaging behaviors. Some psychologists note that when we change our behavior for the approval of others, we damage our authentic self, which can hinder our ability to self-actualize and lead to inauthentic relationships. To be authentic, you need to be transparent about your innermost thoughts and feelings. But most people are too worried about what others think of them and hide their true feelings and intentions. When we do this too often, it becomes hard to grow as a person because we’re constantly shifting our words and actions in accordance with other people’s values instead of our own. Additionally, this inauthenticity can be extremely damaging to your relationships, as it can prevent you from having the difficult conversations that you sometimes need to have. If one party is inauthentic, they’ll become too subservient to the other’s needs and grow resentful and avoidant. If both parties in a relationship are inauthentic, the relationship will become stagnant, as no meaningful conversations will occur. |
Alternatively, some take on a self-protective attitude by exaggerating their positive traits, which, when done to an extreme degree, is known as narcissism. According to Kaufman, narcissists are aggressive, selfish, and impolite, and they may overreact when they feel slighted. Because they have such a high opinion of themselves combined with deep-seated insecurities, they feel the need to be liked and respected by everyone while chasing things that signify a high social status like power, money, or fame. Narcissists’ behaviors push people away, so they struggle to deeply connect with others. Also, because they spend so much time and energy projecting a false image, they lose touch with reality and with themselves.
| How to Spot Narcissists in Your Life Narcissists can be hard to spot for many reasons. They’re so focused on self-image and maintaining their self-protective attitude that they hide their narcissistic tendencies even from themselves. They’re also master manipulators and often seem very confident and charming. Furthermore, they tend to target empathetic people who more easily fall prey to their manipulative behavior. Because of this, it can be beneficial to identify a narcissist through their behavior. Here are some traits to look out for that may indicate narcissism: – Lack of empathy: They won’t seem to be bothered when other people are in pain or trouble. – Self-importance: They believe they’re superior and entitled to special treatment. They’ll ignore or act rudely toward people they think are inferior or can’t get anything out of, and they might overreact when they don’t get their way. – Over-jealous: They’ll be overly concerned with people who are successful and try to knock them down as much as possible. They might also think others are jealous of them. – Obsessed with power or material wealth: They’ll constantly fantasize about being in positions of power or talk about their desire for objects that indicate wealth and status. |
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Here's what you'll find in our full Transcend summary:
- An updated, modern take on Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs
- An in-depth look into Abraham Maslow’s full body of work
- How to simultaneously fulfill your needs while transcending beyond them
