What’s the difference between self-preoccupied people and interpersonally aware people? How can you influence both types?
In Words That Change Minds, communication and influencing language expert Shelle Rose Charvet explains the difference between these two wirings. She contends that, if you learn how someone thinks, you can consciously match their frame of reference and speak in a language they understand.
Keep reading to understand both self-preoccupation and interpersonal awareness and how to interact effectively with both types.
Self-Preoccupied vs. Interpersonally Aware
Charvet uses the term “Attention Direction” to describe someone’s sensitivity to nonverbal signals when interacting with others. Some people are more interpersonally aware while others are more self-preoccupied. People who are interpersonally aware are constantly monitoring the emotions and thoughts of those around them, while self-preoccupied people are only aware of their own emotions and thoughts.
Charvet contends that you can differentiate interpersonally aware and self-preoccupied people through their body language: Interpersonally aware people will display animated movements and facial expressions, whereas self-preoccupied people will generally display a flat affect.
Because your thoughts and emotions have such an impact on interpersonally aware people, send friendly nonverbal signals to make them more receptive to what you’re trying to say. On the other hand, self-preoccupied people typically won’t pick up on these signals.
(Shortform note: When communicating with someone interpersonally aware, be careful: In The Charisma Myth, Olivia Fox Cabane asserts that nonverbal signals are impossible to fake. The human brain is so proficient at intuiting other people’s true intentions that disingenuous attempts to act friendly will only make them feel uneasy. Thus, the best way to communicate with the interpersonally aware is to cultivate genuine feelings of goodwill toward them.)
| Self-Preoccupied People Are Often Misjudged Some argue that society suffers because self-preoccupied people are scarce and often overlooked. In Talking to Strangers, Malcolm Gladwell describes people who are “mismatched”—whose outward demeanor doesn’t match their true thoughts and feelings. Self-preoccupied people would fall into this category because they don’t convey the animated movements and facial expressions that people expect to see. Gladwell contends that, generally, people overestimate the degree to which humans are emotionally transparent. Consequently, they imagine that they have a much more accurate understanding of the emotions and thoughts of those around them than they truly do. When someone misjudges another person’s internal world, yet has full confidence in their judgment, it can have devastating consequences. For example, Gladwell recounts the case of Amanda Knox, who was convicted of murdering her roommate largely because other people judged her to be flippant and unsympathetic about the tragic death. However, she was innocent: She was convicted only because she was mismatched and likely self-preoccupied—she was disturbed by the murder; she just didn’t show it outwardly. |
