This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Eight Dates" by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, et al.. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What is the secret to a long-lasting relationship? Why should you never stop dating your partner?
Over time, the initial spark of a relationship begins to fizzle out, leaving the relationship feeling dull. If you want your relationship to keep feeling fresh and fun, then you need to keep dating your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together.
Learn why dating your partner is the secret to a long and loving relationship from the book Eight Dates.
The Secret to a Long and Loving Relationship: Never Stop Dating
There’s no magic equation of compatibility that guarantees that you and your partner will stay together. However, the authors argue that there’s a secret to a long-lasting relationship that grows stronger over time. Relationships last when both people support the evolution and growth of their partner, as individuals and as a couple. The authors argue that to support each other’s growth, you and your partner need to set aside time to continue learning about each other through intentional conversation and open-ended questions.
(Shortform note: Inherent in the authors’ discussion of how to make romantic relationships last is the assumption that people want to stay in long-term relationships. However, according to some experts, not all long-term relationships are healthy, and many people find themselves stuck in emotionally or physically abusive relationships. In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft defines abuse as controlling, angry, and violent behavior committed by someone against their partner. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence offers a comprehensive list of resources.)
While there are many ways to learn about your partner, the authors advocate for the power of a weekly date night. They define a date as a designated time that you get together with your partner to connect, talk, and learn more about one another (watching Netflix on the couch together doesn’t count).
(Shortform note: A 2012 survey by the National Marriage Project revealed that couples who prioritized a weekly date night were about 3.5 times more likely to describe themselves as feeling “very happy” than couples who had less-than-weekly date nights. Studies suggest that date nights strengthen relationships by improving communication, introducing novelty, lowering stress, and increasing feelings of romantic attraction and commitment.)
Prioritize Date Night
When your life is busy with work, family, and daily logistics, date nights often feel like a luxury. According to the authors, the most common barriers couples cite are money, child care, and time.
If money feels like a barrier, remember that date nights don’t need to be expensive. The authors suggest getting creative and brainstorming free and low-cost date options, like meeting up at a cafe, taking a walk in a park, or even snuggling up on the couch at home. You just need a place where you’re able to focus on each other.
(Shortform note: If you can’t think of any cheap dates, there are endless lists available online. For example, Marie Claire published a list of 70 cheap date ideas for couples on a budget. The list includes ideas like exploring neighborhood garage sales, visiting an animal shelter, and building a blanket fort at home. While there are numerous options, some of the suggestions, like binge-watching a show or visiting an arcade, don’t necessarily fall under the authors’ definition of a date night, which they say must include intentional conversation that allows you to learn about your partner.)
If you have children, you can explore out-of-the-box and inexpensive child care options. For example, find a group of families willing to take turns babysitting each other’s kids, ask a trusted friend or family member to babysit, or just have a date night at home after the kids are in bed.
(Shortform note: Child care is becoming increasingly unaffordable for families as child care costs continue to rise. One survey found that during the Covid-19 pandemic, the cost of nannies rose by about 20% while babysitting and daycare costs increased by 5% to 15%. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, affordable child care should cost no more than 7% of a household’s income. However, a survey conducted by Care.com found that 51% of participants allocate over 20% of their household income to child care expenses, and an additional 72% of the respondents spend 10% or more of their income on child care.)
Finally, the authors acknowledge that many people already feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day. But the authors emphasize that people make time for the things that matter most to them. So if your relationship is on that list, they strongly suggest prioritizing a weekly date night no matter what.
(Shortform note: Making time for your partner is a powerful way of expressing love. Quality time, like a weekly date, is one of the love languages discussed by Gary Chapman in The 5 Love Languages. Chapman’s definition of quality time closely aligns with the authors’ definition of a date—intentional and focused communication without outside distractions. However, while Chapman contends that everyone has their own preferred love language, the authors of Eight Dates argue that everyone, regardless of their preferred love language, benefits from quality time spent in the form of a weekly date night.)
Listen With Curiosity
Once you’ve set aside time for date night, make sure you use this time to learn more about your partner. The authors argue that learning more about your partner will depend on your ability to listen effectively. The goal of listening should be to better understand the other person.
Here are some strategies you can use to make sure you’re listening to learn:
Pay attention. First, put away your phone and other distractions. Stay present in the conversation. Then fully listen to what your partner is saying without judgment.
Remain curious. If you don’t understand something, ask more questions.
Reflect back what you hear your partner say. Repeating back what you hear lets your partner know that you understood them correctly.
Stay connected. If the conversation gets tense or challenging, find other ways to connect. Express empathy for your partner’s experience and stay connected with physical touch.
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- The secret to a strong, long-lasting relationship
- Why you and your partner need to make time for weekly dates
- The eight powerful dates and conversations to have at the start of a relationship
