Are you sabotaging your own happiness? How can you pursue happiness instead?
In her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware shares that many of her dying patients wished they prioritized happiness more in their lives. It’s easy to keep pushing it off until later, but not everybody has a later.
Keep reading to learn why you need to start prioritizing happiness in your life.
The Regret of Neglecting Happiness
Do you sabotage your own happiness? According to Ware, one regret that people have at the end of their lives is not pursuing more happiness. She explains that many people postpone their happiness by tying it to future events, such as getting a better job or living arrangement. For example, you may think you’ll finally be happy once you buy a house or move out of your hometown. But Ware argues that happiness is a state you can create now, not something to unlock in the future. Waiting for external situations beyond your control to make you happy only delays joy.
(Shortform note: It may not be realistic to spend money with abandon on things that will make you happy, such as a dream vacation, but hedge-fund manager Bill Perkins argues that you should spend all your money before you die. The key is to balance saving for the future while enjoying life in the present. In Die With Zero, he writes that instead of waiting to use your money in the future, you should consider whether using it now will create positive experiences and relationships that can contribute to your overall happiness. For example, rather than squirreling away every paycheck and waiting until you’re retired to take that vacation, go on holiday now while you’re young and healthy enough to fully enjoy it.)
Ware notes that some people don’t let themselves be happy because they feel undeserving or believe happiness must be earned. However, happiness isn’t a luxury or a limited resource—it’s freely available to everyone. Recognize that you deserve happiness, let go of limiting beliefs, and give yourself permission to be happy.
(Shortform note: One reason you may not believe you deserve happiness is low self-esteem. In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, psychologist Nathaniel Branden says self-esteem is a combination of self-efficacy (believing in your capability) and self-respect (believing you deserve happiness), and that low self-esteem contributes to most psychological issues, while high self-esteem leads to greater achievement and happiness. To improve your self-esteem and feel deserving of happiness, you should practice six pillars: Live with awareness, accept yourself, take responsibility, assert yourself, live intentionally, and act with integrity.)
Choose Happiness
In her discussions with a client named Lenny, Ware learned that happiness is, to some degree, a choice. Despite losing his wife and three of his children, Lenny felt content with his life because he gave and received love freely. In doing so, he could look back on a life well lived.
(Shortform note: In The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky says that 50% of happiness is determined by your genes and 10% by your life circumstances, but 40% comes from your thoughts and actions. This means that even if you have a genetic disposition toward unhappiness or face difficult circumstances in life, doing things that boost happiness (like nurturing relationships and pursuing meaningful goals) can make you happier each day. Lenny exemplifies this: Despite losing loved ones, he focused on giving and receiving love, which allowed him to feel satisfied when reflecting on his life.)
Ware argues that people often overlook chances to feel happy, and she encourages you to make conscious choices to be happier. This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be happy when things are hard, but understanding that you have control over your focus. You can choose to dwell less on bad things and more on good things. Make small choices to notice things to be grateful for or find things that can make you smile, even when times are hard. For example, you could save funny YouTube videos that always make you laugh and watch them when you’re stressed.
(Shortform note: In The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor writes that you can train your brain to be happier by creating a “Positive Tetris Effect”. Just as Tetris players start to see objects in their everyday life as shapes they need to fit into gaps, you can train your brain to focus on positives instead of negatives. To do this, Achor suggests you write down three things you’re grateful for each day and spend 20 minutes writing about a positive experience three times a week. These practices can increase your happiness, gratitude, and optimism over time. Like Ware, Achor argues that the goal isn’t to ignore problems, but to focus on positive things.)
