This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Why are routines important for children? How can you get kids to establish them and stick to them?
Clinical psychologist Thomas W. Phelan suggests routines as an effective strategy for helping kids get things done. Setting up routines takes time and effort. But, his routine-building tips foster self-sufficiency and responsibility in kids so that, over time, kids do more and more.
Continue reading to learn the importance of routines for children and how to make them a reality in your home.
The Importance of Routines for Children
Why are routines important for children? The predictability and repetition of routines for children can accomplish two things, writes Phelan. First, routines build kids’ executive functioning skills (their ability to exercise self-control and self-direction) and their self-esteem (it feels good for kids to be able to do things for themselves). Second, routines allow you to do less disciplining and “nagging” and more positive reinforcing, leading to less conflict and better feelings all around.
(Shortform note: Phelan isn’t the only person who believes in the power of routines: Many others, including Greg McKeown, who wrote Essentialism, feel routines benefit adults by making tasks both easier and less energy-intensive. Additionally, when you internalize a routine and can execute it without much thought (a morning bathroom routine, for instance), you free up brain space to think about other, more important things. We might even imagine that establishing routines lets you spend less time nagging yourself into performing tasks—if you can move automatically through your bathroom routine, you won’t have to talk yourself into brushing your teeth after you’ve already climbed into bed.)
Be sure to temper your expectations of toddlers and preschoolers. This age group isn’t developmentally ready to follow through on lengthy and complex tasks without support. As kids get older (perhaps in the third or fourth grade) they become more capable of doing meaningful work around the house—for instance, getting themselves ready for school or bed or even helping make dinner or fold laundry. (Phelan notes that kids often enjoy being able to contribute to meaningful household activities.) A good rule of thumb for how long you can expect a child to stay on task is 10 minutes for a six-year-old, with an increase of roughly 10 minutes per year thereafter.
(Shortform note: Phelan’s description of the expectations we can have of children differs dramatically from expectations of earlier eras. In the 19th century, parents didn’t or couldn’t adhere to the 10-minute rule because they needed their children to work for pay. This was especially necessary for poor families who needed the income provided by their child’s labor, which might involve sewing, cleaning chimneys, conveying messages, or operating factory machinery. Poor parents would often put their children to work as early as possible, with some children starting to work in factories at little over eight years old.)
Routine-Building Tools
Now that we’ve established the benefits of consistent routines, we’ll highlight a few tools Phelan suggests to help get routines started.
Timers
You can use timers to encourage your child to finish a task within a timeframe (for instance, you might set a timer of 30 minutes for your child’s bedtime routine). The use of timers can take some of the strain out of parent-child interactions because they shift the focus from you making a request to the timer holding them accountable, writes Phelan. An additional benefit of timers is that kids know they can’t be manipulated. No amount of whining, bargaining, or complaining is going to speed the time up or slow it down, and so, hopefully, there will be less whining, bargaining, and complaining overall. And kids also often simply enjoy trying to finish a task before the timer goes off.
(Shortform note: You might even work with your child to determine how long you’ll set the timer for activities. Nir Eyal argues that establishing timeframes for activities (Eyal writes primarily in the context of establishing limits on tech use) helps children learn to self-regulate and become responsible for their actions and well-being. When discussing such limits with your child, ask them what they think is a reasonable timeframe within which to complete a task. If they propose a reasonable timeframe, agree to it. If not, suggest a more reasonable timeframe. Then, set the timer accordingly, and establish that if your child doesn’t complete the task within this timeframe, you’ll need to have a discussion about time management.)
The Parent-Payment System
If your child has money of their own, say from their allowance, you can use the parent-payment system (which Phelan calls the “docking system”) to motivate kids to perform routines. If kids don’t do an important job and you need to do it for them, they need to pay you for your work. For example, if it’s your child’s job to load the dishwasher after dinner and they refuse, you can offer to do it for them, but they’ll need to pay you 50 cents.
(Shortform note: Allowance is a confusing topic for many parents: Is it a good idea in the first place? If so, how much should you give, and should it be in exchange for performing chores? One parenting expert argues that you should give your child an allowance that’s not tied to chore completion because otherwise, kids think the only reason to help around the house is for personal, monetary benefit, rather than as a way to support the family. According to this philosophy, then, asking your child to pay you for doing their chores is also a bad idea as your child might think they can “buy their way out of” doing something they should do (and perhaps should even want to do) simply because they’re part of a family unit.)
Charts and Visual Aids
Laying children’s tasks out visually in a chart can motivate kids to follow through with their routines and stay organized without your input. For example, for a younger child, you could make a chart with pictures laying out their morning jobs. You might include a picture of clothes for getting dressed, a toothbrush for brushing teeth, and a bed for making their bed.
Charts can also be useful tools for positive outside reinforcement. For instance, you might develop a system where your child gets a check mark on their chart for each day they accomplish all of their tasks. Once they earn a certain number of check marks, they might get a prize like a small toy, a TV show, or picking an outing. Phelan also suggests adding a bonus system to your charting where children can earn extra points for accomplishing tasks without your input.
| The Timeless Pleasure of Charts Charts and visual aids help working adults as well as kids. In A World Without Email, Cal Newport recommends employees and teams use task boards to track their work on projects. These are digital or physical boards with columns indicating the stages of a project. You then use cards to represent tasks and move the cards through the stages as you go. Newport advises you to meet periodically with the team in front of the task board to give updates and assign new tasks. The philosophy behind task boards is that employees and teams function better when tasks are visible and organized in this way. However, the process of “checking something off” also simply feels good, and the satisfaction of finally moving a task into the “finished” column could provide both pleasure and motivation to employees—the adult equivalent of receiving a toy. |
Positivity
Phelan also offers advice for building positivity and avoiding conflict once routines are established.
Practice positive reinforcement. Phelan encourages you to aim for a ratio of three positive comments for every negative comment you make to your children. Kids often get more negative feedback than positive from their parents simply because parents ‘leave well enough alone’ when kids are behaving well but speak up when kids start to misbehave. While well-intentioned, the result is that kids often end up hearing more about what they do wrong than what they do right.
To deliver your positive comments, you might poke your head in the door when your child is playing nicely and commend her on her concentration, congratulate your son for sharing with his little sister, and so on. Phelan notes that unexpected, public praise is especially beneficial and meaningful for kids.
When you do need to give your child constructive criticism, Phelan suggests using the positive-negative-positive pattern. This means that you sandwich the criticism part of your feedback with two positive comments.
Keep your directives simple and calm. Phelan notes that if your tone sounds like you’re ready for a fight with a child, you’re likely to get one, so it’s best to keep any requests non-confrontational.
Embrace natural consequences. In some instances, it’s best to simply let the natural consequences of your child’s not performing their routine serve as a tool to get them back on track. When you can rely on natural consequences to encourage your child to follow their routine, you don’t have to get involved, thereby avoiding tension in your relationship. Also, kids are more likely to learn from their mistakes after seeing that the consequence was a direct result of their behavior rather than a parent-manufactured punishment.
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- A simple countdown approach for disciplining your child
- How to cultivate a warm and loving relationship with your child
- Why time-outs are ineffective and don't correct bad behavior
