What would change in your life if you truly accepted that your time is limited? How can contemplating death actually lead to a more fulfilling existence?
In You Only Die Once, Jodi Wellman explores how embracing our mortality through the ancient principle of memento mori (“remember you must die”) can transform our approach to living. She reveals how acknowledging death’s inevitability helps us prioritize what truly matters and live with greater purpose.
Keep reading to discover how facing our mortality might be the key to activating a more meaningful and intentional life.
Remember You Must Die
In her book You Only Die Once, Wellman champions the principle of memento mori—the intentional recognition of our mortality—as the key to leading a better life. The phrase is Latin for “remember you must die.”
(Shortform note: The concept of memento mori is believed to have originated in ancient Rome, with one of the earliest recorded instances of its use during the grand victory parades known as Roman triumphs. During these events, as a victorious general rode in a chariot, reveling in glory and public adoration, a slave would quietly stand behind him, murmuring the words, “Respice post te. Hominem te esse memento. Memento mori!” This translates to “Look behind you. Remember that you are mortal. Remember you must die!” This practice aimed to keep the general grounded by providing a reminder of his human fragility even at the peak of his success.)
According to Wellman, we tend to avoid thinking about death. She argues this avoidance is often rooted in the fear and discomfort of confronting the finite nature of our existence. Many people, she explains, prefer to focus on day-to-day activities and immediate concerns, pushing thoughts of death to the back of their minds, not wanting to disrupt their sense of normalcy or face the overwhelming fear of the unknown.
(Shortform note: While death is often seen as a taboo topic in Western culture, many cultures and spiritual traditions actively embrace death as a natural part of the human experience. For example, Día de los Muertos, a Mexican holiday, celebrates deceased loved ones and acknowledges death as an honored part of life’s cycle. Similarly, in the Buddhist tradition, the practice of maranasati meditation involves reflecting on the impermanence of life and the certainty of death, helping individuals cultivate mindfulness and acceptance of their mortality.)
However, Wellman argues, thinking about death is actually the key to living a better life. By acknowledging our mortality, she explains, we become more aware of our limited time on earth, which can motivate us to live more intentionally and fully.
(Shortform note: At the same time, some psychologists suggest that recognizing our mortality can reinforce tribalism, or a strong sense of loyalty to a group. Terror Management Theory (TMT) explains that the fear of death often leads people to become part of groups they deem to be important, in an effort to bolster their sense of significance and self-worth and to leave a lasting impact with people who might remember them after death. This desire to be part of a group might make them more prejudiced against non-group members whom they deem to be inferior. However, TMT may also have a positive effect: It can motivate people to act with kindness in the hopes that they’ll be remembered fondly by their tribe.)
To illustrate her point, Wellman highlights how near-death experiences often cause people to reconsider their priorities and to focus more on things that bring greater meaning and fulfillment. Many people who have had close calls, whether it be a cancer diagnosis or a car accident, experience what’s known as “the roar of awakening,” an intense awareness and urgency to live meaningfully after surviving a potentially fatal event. Wellman says that after brushes with death, people often become more focused on personal priorities, more grateful, more mindful, and more committed to developing closer relationships with the people they love.
| Post-Traumatic Growth The profound psychological shifts that Wellman describes have a biological basis in the brain. Research shows that survivors of near-death experiences often undergo what scientists call “post-traumatic growth” (PTG), where their brain structure and function change in noticeable ways. Like muscles that grow stronger through exercise, the brain adapts and reorganizes itself in response to trauma, creating new neural pathways that support more positive emotional patterns. In particular, the brain’s prefrontal cortex—a region crucial for emotional control—increases in size, while neural networks responsible for processing stress and emotional responses become more efficient. These changes help explain why survivors become more emotionally resilient, can have a greater capacity for meaningful relationships, and are more grateful for life’s precious moments. |
How to Start Thinking About Death More
But, Wellman reassures, you don’t have to face a near-death experience to reap the benefits of confronting death. She uses the concept of memento mori (“remember you must die”) as a tool that encourages us to live more purposefully. By regularly reflecting on the finite nature of life, you can cultivate a deeper appreciation for your time on earth, make choices that align with your core values, and focus on what matters, ultimately leading to a more meaningful and fulfilled existence.
Wellman emphasizes the importance of making peace with the concept of death not as a macabre fascination but as a meaningful aspect of the human experience that can enhance our appreciation for life. She asserts that practicing memento mori, or the contemplation of death, enriches our lives by highlighting the preciousness of each moment and encouraging a lifestyle that reflects our deepest values and desires.
(Shortform note: Atul Gawande, the author of Being Mortal, argues that accepting our mortality does more than just help us live more meaningful lives; it also enables us to approach our death with greater dignity. By confronting the reality of our finite existence, he argues, we can make more intentional choices about our final chapters—focusing not just on extending life at any cost, but on preserving what makes life worth living. Gawande suggests this shift in perspective allows both patients and their loved ones to have more honest conversations about end-of-life care, prioritize quality of life over medical interventions that may cause unnecessary suffering, and find peace in the natural conclusion of a well-lived life.)
Wellman offers two strategies to help you embrace your mortality. First, she suggests noticing impermanence in everyday life. For example, observe how a bouquet of flowers wilts and fades over time, or how a favorite item of clothing begins to wear out with repeated use. Pay attention to the daily changes in the weather, or the gradual fading of daylight as evening approaches. These everyday observations serve as reminders of life’s transient nature and encourage you to focus on living in the present.
(Shortform note: This mindfulness of impermanence aligns with Buddhist philosophy, which teaches that attachment to permanence is a root cause of suffering. The concept of anicca (impermanence) reminds practitioners that everything—from thoughts and feelings to physical objects and relationships—is in flux. Rather than causing anxiety, this recognition of life’s transience is seen as liberating. Buddhists believe that when you stop fighting impermanence and instead embrace it as natural and inevitable, you can find a sense of peace and be more aware of the gift of each moment.)
Second, Wellman also encourages you to prompt a voluntary existential crisis by confronting death more directly—whether through counting the number of Mondays you likely have left before you die, writing your own obituary, or visiting a cemetery to read the names on tombstones and imagine the lives of those buried beneath them.
(Shortform note: In recent years, Death Cafes have emerged as another way to explore our relationship with mortality. Launched in 2011 by Jon Underwood and inspired by Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz’s “Cafe Mortal” events, these gatherings create a safe space for people to discuss death openly and honestly. Unlike grief counseling sessions, Death Cafes don’t aim to resolve feelings of loss or provide therapy. Instead, they offer a communal setting where people can explore their thoughts about death over coffee and conversation, normalizing discussions about mortality and allowing participants to share their fears, hopes, and questions about life’s final chapter in a supportive environment.)
Exercise: Contemplate Your Inevitable Death
According to Wellman, reflecting on your mortality can encourage you to live a more fulfilling life. She argues memento mori can lead us to make the most of the time we have and make more considered decisions.
- When was the last time you thought of your own death? How frequently does the topic of death come to mind?
- When you think about your impending death, what emotions or feelings surface? Are these feelings predominantly negative, positive, or neutral?
- Wellman proposes several ways to integrate the contemplation of your mortality into your regular routine. For instance, she suggests setting aside a few minutes each day for silent reflection, having a visual reminder such as a piece of art that represents mortality, or writing a personal memento mori statement to reflect on. Which of these methods resonates with you the most? How might you tailor and adopt one of these practices into your daily life?
