This article is an excerpt from the Shortform summary of "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Shortform has the world's best summaries of books you should be reading.
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How do I deal with relationship problems? Why isn’t my marriage working?
Marriage is the happy ending of most fairy tales. This can give you the idea that if you have relationship problems after getting married, you must be doing something wrong. But relationship problems and marriage problems are normal. Read on to learn why relationship problems happen and how to remedy them, from Gary Chapmans The 5 Love Languages.
Relationship Problems: When the Honeymoon Is Over
Society is built around the idea that marriage is the ultimate culmination of love. This type of committed relationship feels necessary, even required for a happy life. Although there are many ways to be happy, many agree that a loving relationship is advantageous.
Keeping love alive is the topic of seminars, books, television, movies, and conversations with friends and family. Yet, the divorce rate highlights the lack of success many couples have in maintaining love after marriage.
- Many couples think that finding love is all there is to it.
- Or they don’t have the stamina or desire to do the work that keeps love romantic and fresh.
- Possibly, people don’t know what it means to be loving to their partners.
All of these contribute to marriage problems. If a long-term loving relationship is desired, learning how your partner understands and receives love is necessary. But first, you must understand the difference between falling in love and maintaining love.
Solving Relationship Problems: The Most Important Truth of Love
Relationship problems stem not from love that has dissolved, but rather from love that is misunderstood. When we understand that each person speaks in their own love language, we can start to communicate our love better.
Like spoken language, each of us has learned to speak a certain love language. Our native, or predominant, language of love stems from our childhoods and the influences of our parents and siblings. Others have developed their own languages based on their experiences with their parents or past relationships.
If we meet people with different languages but only communicate in our own, our ability to engage with and understand others is hindered. This can lead to marriage problems.
- For example, if we speak English and travel to a country where people only speak German, we will have a difficult time communicating effectively.
The same is true for love. If we speak one love language and our partner speaks another, the same barriers will exist. We will never understand how to love one another properly.
If we want to be able to love another person successfully and avoid relationship problems, we need to learn which love language they speak.
A desire to love our partners is not enough. We must actively attempt to determine which love language our partner speaks to build and maintain love in our relationships.
Relationship Problems and the 5 Love Languages Remedy
The 5 Love Languages offers the ultimate remedy for resolving relationship problems.
There are five love languages, or five ways that people feel and accept emotional love.
- Words of Affirmation: compliments or kind words about a person and their actions.
- Quality Time: dedicated moments of time spent with a loved one.
- Receiving Gifts: tangible symbols of love as either gifts or physical presence.
- Acts of Service: things done for someone to unburden their life.
- Physical Touch: physical connection through intimacy or small affectionate touches.
When these actions or behaviors are performed for someone speaking the corresponding language, the result is a feeling of being truly loved.
Within those five languages, the expression of love is limitless. Only a lack of effort or imagination hinders our ability to express our partner’s brand of love. This can help you overcome relationship problems.
It is usually uncommon for partners to speak the same love language. From the beginning, this difference can be flummoxing. When we approach love through the lens of our language, we assume our partners will understand our love. When they don’t, we feel unappreciated or confused, leading to marriage problems.
The reality is that what we need regarding love, dictated by our love language, may not suitably address the way our partners need love based on their language. But once we learn what our partner’s language is and how to communicate through it, we will be able to express love in a way that satisfies and enriches them. This is key in solving, or avoiding altogether, relationship problems and marriage problems more specifically.
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Here's what you'll find in our full The 5 Love Languages summary :
- How to figure out what your love language is, and what your partner's is
- Why arguments happen in relationships, and how to stop them
- How to speak the right love language, even if it's not yours
