This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Power of Regret" by Daniel Pink. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Are you regretting a big life decision right now? What are the worst ways to deal with this regret?
Handling regret the wrong way will prevent you from growing from your regrets and using them to improve your life. In The Power of Regret, Daniel Pink covers the three wrong approaches to regret: the philosophy of no regrets, avoiding, and wallowing.
Keep reading to learn how regretting life decisions with these coping mechanisms will ultimately hurt you in the long run.
Wrong Way #1: The Philosophy of “No Regrets”
You might be regretting life decisions right now and venting about it to your friends. They may tell you to live life without regrets, and your troubles will go away. But Pink explains that this is a terrible way to deal with your regrets. This philosophy appears in popular music, self-help books, commercials, and celebrity culture, just to name a few. Pink explains that this philosophy views regret simply as something to avoid because it is painful and because no one can change the past. Therefore, the reasoning goes, a life without regrets is well-lived.
However, Pink counters that this view is foolish and can even prevent people from living their best life. He makes two counterarguments which we will discuss in depth: 1) Regret is a universal part of life, and 2) it is highly beneficial to our lives.
(Shortform note: Those who espouse the philosophy of “no regrets” may disagree with Pink’s characterization. Some claim the philosophy is not about never growing from mistakes, but about doing what is most important in life while you have the chance so that you have fewer regrets at the end. However, Pink still makes the case that this philosophy encourages people to view regret negatively, overlooking its universal nature and benefits, which we will discuss next.)
Wrong Way #2: Avoiding
A lot of people will respond to their regret by simply trying to avoid feeling it. Pink argues that this is what most people who hold a “no regrets” philosophy in life are actually doing. This approach may be tempting because it gives someone an excuse to not feel something painful.
However, this approach has two significant drawbacks. First, you can’t avoid the feeling of regret forever. By avoiding your emotions, you’re simply storing the feelings of regret away to cause you pain later in life. Secondly, by avoiding regret, you’ll miss out on the important chance to learn and grow from it.
(Shortform note: A deeper understanding of avoidance can help you overcome this approach. Psychologists argue that avoidance can be destructive because in addition to putting off the experience of negative emotions, it also leads to increased rates of anxiety and depression. People often adopt avoidant coping mechanisms either because they have a low tolerance for uncomfortable emotions or because they haven’t learned more productive coping mechanisms. Psychologists recommend that you practice allowing yourself to experience uncomfortable emotions or work on learning healthier coping mechanisms, such as those we’ll explore later in this guide.)
Wrong Way #3: Wallowing
Many people also respond to their regrets by simply wallowing in them. Pink concedes that this response allows people to feel their regrets very deeply but also argues that it offers no solutions for growing from them and moving past them. He explains that wallowing comes from a philosophy that elevates emotion as the highest personal truth. According to this perspective, feeling emotions at their highest intensity has intrinsic value regardless of whether it helps someone grow.
However, Pink disagrees with this philosophy. He explains that wallowing in your emotions doesn’t provide any benefit because you neither resolve your emotions nor learn from them—they simply continue to cause you pain.
(Shortform note: Psychologists explain that we are prone to obsessing about negative experiences because we are sensitive to contradictions or things we don’t understand. For example, if you see yourself as a good person, you might feel confused by the apparent contradiction of acting against your ethics. In the short term, allowing yourself to feel painful emotions like sadness and regret can benefit your personal growth. However, it becomes a problem when you fall into a pattern of repetitive rumination. Research has demonstrated that instead of helping you move on, this will simply deepen the painful emotions over time.)
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Here's what you'll find in our full The Power of Regret summary:
- A look at why most people feel regret, and what causes it
- The three worst ways to deal with regrets
- The five-step process for turning regrets into advantages
