Raise Your Self-Esteem With These 5 Habits

A woman floating in the air and holding helium balloons by the strings illustrates how to raise your self-esteem

What’s holding you back from feeling truly confident? Why do some people seem naturally self-assured while others constantly doubt themselves?

According to leading psychologists and self-development experts, there are specific habits that can help raise your self-esteem. These practices focus on actions rather than just positive thinking, offering concrete ways to build lasting confidence.

Keep reading to learn five habits that will help you raise your self-esteem and transform how you view yourself.

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem

We’ll describe five habits you can put into practice to raise your self-esteem. These habits focus on your actions—not your beliefs—because beliefs alone don’t affect your self-esteem. Although the right beliefs can help push you into action, Nathaniel Branden (The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem) asserts that the right behaviors are what truly raise your self-esteem. Even if these habits feel forced and don’t raise your self-esteem right away, practice them as much as you can. Branden asserts that consistency is key: The more you get used to behaving in ways that support self-esteem, the more likely you are to continue behaving in those ways because doing the opposite will make you uncomfortable.

Habit #1: Accept Your Flaws

First, stop expecting yourself to be perfect all the time. Brené Brown notes in The Gifts of Imperfection that people often frame perfectionism as a positive thing: for instance, “trying to be the best version of yourself.” However, she believes that perfectionism is actually about trying to control people’s perceptions of you. It’s an attempt to gain approval and acceptance from others—and, crucially, avoid being shamed or judged by them—by hiding your flaws and projecting the image of being perfect.

Furthermore, Tara Brach asserts in Radical Acceptance that imperfections—in yourself or in the world—don’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. They’re a natural and inescapable part of existence. Therefore, it’s much better to accept yourself, others, and life in general, rather than chasing some impossible dream of how things should be. Our greatest needs are met when we relate to each other, when we’re fully present in every moment instead of worrying about the past or future, and when we accept and appreciate the beauty—and the pain—that’s always around us.

In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson notes that many of us have come to believe that being average is being a failure, but there’s no reason to believe this is the case. To be emotionally healthy, you need to accept that you’re probably average at most of the things you do. Even if you excel at something, you’re still probably average or worse at other things. You’re not particularly special or extraordinary. What you do doesn’t matter that much, Manson says, all things considered.

According to Manson, accepting these realities eliminates the pressure and stress of feeling inadequate and always needing to compensate. You can do and achieve what you want, free of unrealistic expectations. When you lower your expectations to a realistic level, you’ll have a greater appreciation for ordinary things like spending time with friends, helping someone, or pursuing something you enjoy. These are actually the important things.

Habit #2: Allow Yourself to Feel Negative Emotions

Next, allow yourself to feel emotional pain rather than trying to push it away. Tara Brach explains that pain, whether physical or emotional, can create an insidious trap: When we’re suffering, we tend to blame ourselves for it. Someone might tell himself that his back hurts because he doesn’t take proper care of himself, or that his relationship fell apart because he wasn’t attentive enough. This self-blame puts us into a trance of unworthiness and low self-esteem. It also makes having compassion for ourselves difficult because we feel like we deserve to suffer. For many of us, offering compassion to others comes easily, but offering it to ourselves feels self-indulgent or even shameful. We might feel like we’re being needy, or that we don’t deserve to treat ourselves with compassion.

Allowing ourselves to feel emotional pain, Brach says, is how we awaken from the trance. Recognition of, and compassion for, our own moment-to-moment experiences help us to recognize when we’re caught in harmful patterns. We must recognize when we’re stuck in habits of fighting (others or ourselves), judging (again, others or ourselves), and trying to control our pleasures and pain. If we stop being so afraid of unpleasant experiences and demanding people, and learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, we can start taking down the defenses that block out so much of the world. Rather than trying to control life, we can simply live it.

In Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff agrees, elaborating that being mindful of your suffering allows you to challenge the thought causing it, which in turn frees you from the state of self-blame that leads to low self-esteem. Simply acknowledging pain when it arises allows you to take a step back, assess your situation, and respond thoughtfully. Additionally, creating this space and responding kindly to your pain allows you to see your suffering and situation in the broader context of adversity that all human beings face, which can make you feel less isolated and further reduce your suffering.

Habit #3: Don’t Seek Validation From Others

We discussed earlier that many people allow other people’s judgments of them to control their self-esteem. However, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman argue in The Confidence Code that it’s dangerous to rely on external approval as a source of confidence because you’re less likely to act if you fear the action might make people stop praising you. Additionally, any time the compliments flag (which they inevitably will, because even the most praiseworthy people can’t be constantly complimented), you’re vulnerable. For example, one study found that college students who relied on others for validation were more stressed and had a higher incidence of eating disorders and drug use.

In The Courage to Be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga also warn against basing your self-esteem on the validation of others. They argue that it’s inevitable some people will dislike you. No matter what you do, there will be someone in the world who would rather you do it differently.

Instead, they contend that feeling useful—not appreciated—is the key to happiness. The only way to attain sustainable happiness is to live what you believe to be a good, altruistic life, no matter what other people think. Make it your ultimate goal to help others, and you’ll feel genuine pleasure when you contribute to the well-being of those around you.

Furthermore, Brené Brown believes that you can reduce your temptation to compare yourself to others by recognizing and celebrating your individuality. Specifically, she states that you can cultivate your sense of individuality by being creative. Paint, draw, sew, invent new recipes, sculpt, write: Do anything that indulges your creative side. According to Brown, being creative cultivates individuality because it involves producing something original using your unique skills. By exercising your creativity, you focus on the things you can create that no one else can—because they’re not you—instead of thinking about everything that other people do better than you.

Habit #4: Be Yourself

Next, try to express your authentic self as much as possible. Nathaniel Branden states that you should do this by expressing what you want, need, and value in appropriate ways. Don’t speak or act in ways incongruous with what you think or believe—and when this involves opposing others, express this refusal carefully. For example, stand up to your boss calmly, not by yelling at them.

Why is expressing your true thoughts and feelings so important? According to Brown, inauthenticity chips away at your worthiness and may impact your overall mental well-being: She argues that it can lead to depression, anxiety, and numerous other mental struggles. Furthermore, inauthenticity is a rejection of self-acceptance and self-love. Deciding that your true self needs to remain hidden reinforces the idea that you’re fundamentally not good enough.

Habit #5: Actively Pursue Meaningful Goals

Finally, you can raise your self-esteem by striving to achieve goals that are meaningful to you. According to Branden, the pursuit of meaningful goals improves your confidence in your capability—and thus your self-esteem. He contends that we develop this confidence through the process of achieving specific goals, not the achievement itself: If you win a race, your confidence rises not because you won but because you were able to create and follow a winning training plan.

Additionally, Kristin Neff notes that raising your self-esteem makes it easier to pursue meaningful goals, creating a virtuous cycle. The practice of self-compassion increases motivation because it’s rooted in an intrinsic desire to learn, grow, and cultivate a sense of well-being over the long term. As a result, people who practice self-compassion are inclined to consistently act in ways that put them on the path towards health and happiness—for example, by changing bad habits that take them off course from these goals. Being kind to yourself in the face of your own suffering further supports motivation by enabling you to create a safe, calm, and supportive environment that nurtures confidence, supports risk-taking, and enables you to function at your peak.

That said, Scott Barry Kaufman cautions in Transcend that if your purpose or goals conflict with your values, they can actually impede your growth. For instance, if you don’t feel like your purpose or goals are particularly important or valuable, you’ll have a less fulfilling life than someone who feels they’re contributing to society, and you’ll eventually lose motivation and your growth will stagnate. Other research shows, however, that there’s often a disconnect between your purported values and your actual values, so it’s important to find a purpose that aligns with your values and your deeper interests and motives.

For example, you may believe that education is extremely important and that teachers are a vital part of society. But when you start your teaching career, you find that you just don’t get a lot out of it and that deep down you aren’t that interested in teaching. When this kind of disconnect happens, it’s important to accept it without guilt or shame. Kaufman recommends evaluating your strengths and weaknesses, determining which of your strengths you long to use more, and choosing a purpose based on those strengths.

Shortform Resources

There’s a reason that countless books have been written on the topic of self-esteem. How you feel about yourself has a massive impact on the quality of your life, and raising your self-esteem can radically reshape both your internal and external worlds. That said, it’s easy to understand that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, but actually raising your self-esteem can seem impossible. How can you think highly of yourself if you truly believe, at your core, that you’re inadequate?

To answer this question, we’ve brought together the advice of many experts from the worlds of psychology and self-help, including Brené Brown, Nathaniel Branden, and Mark Manson. We’ll begin this guide by clearly defining what self-esteem is. Then, we’ll explain why it’s so important to have healthy self-esteem. We’ll explore the various factors that influence how much self-esteem you have, and finally, we’ll offer five tips for raising your self-esteem.

For more practical tips that will help you raise your self-esteem, see the following Shortform guides: