My Child Is Different: How to Parent Exceptional Children

What’s it like to raise a child with a completely different identity from your own? How can parents navigate the complex emotions and practical challenges that come with raising exceptional children?

In Far From the Tree, psychologist Andrew Solomon examines “horizontal identities”—traits that exceptional children have that their parents don’t share or expect. He explores how parents face the dual challenges of understanding unfamiliar differences and overcoming the desire for their children to fit conventional definitions of “normal.”

If you’ve ever said, “My child is different,” continue reading to find strategies for parenting exceptional children and to see how this journey can profoundly transform both you and your child.

Why Are Exceptional Children Challenging?

Figuring out how to raise exceptional children challenges parents on many levels. Solomon explains that raising a child who has a horizontal identity can be a challenging experience for several reasons, including the difficulty of coping with an unfamiliar and unexpected trait and our natural desire for a sense of normality. The realization that “my child is different” often triggers complex emotions that parents must work through while still providing supportive care. We’ll take a closer look at each of these psychological challenges.

1. Parents Struggle to Understand a Horizontal Identity

First, horizontal identities challenge our empathy and understanding because the underlying trait and its effects are unfamiliar and unexpected, Solomon explains. Many children who will later come out as gay or transgender are born to parents who are straight or cisgender. These parents don’t know what it’s like to be attracted to people of the same gender (or to people of varying genders) or to have a gender identity that differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. They also didn’t expect their children to differ from them in this way.

(Shorform note: Even when children don’t have the sorts of major differences from their families that Solomon highlights, parents can sometimes project their own desires onto their children, failing to recognize them as separate individuals with unique personalities and interests. For example, a parent might refer to their child as a “mini-me” and dress them in clothes that match their own. While this may seem cute initially, it undercuts the child’s autonomy and independence, hinders their self-discovery, and makes it challenging for them to build a healthy sense of self-worth and emotional well-being.)

Solomon notes that most of us don’t anticipate that our children will present traits and acquire identities unfamiliar to us: Many of us expect a child to reflect the best qualities of each of their parents and to have the same experiences growing up that we did. When, instead, they have an identity we don’t have, we may react negatively. 

(Shortform note: While many parents expect their children to reflect their qualities and experiences, researchers suggest that underlying this expectation is the desire for one’s children to flourish. But when parents have a rigid definition of “flourishing” based on their own experiences and aspirations, it can lead to the disappointment Solomon describes. Adopting an attitude of hope, rather than having specific expectations, might be more helpful: Hope involves an active commitment to supporting a child and having faith in their potential while maintaining humility about our ability to guarantee specific outcomes or achieve a pre-defined version of success.)

Solomon explains that one way that parents can react negatively to a child who doesn’t match their expectations is to see the traits that form the basis of their child’s horizontal identity as an illness. For example, hearing parents may see deafness as a defect. Yet, while deafness can be caused by a disease or a genetic variation, Deafness is also a rich identity that grants entry into a rich community of nonhearing people.

(Shortform note: Solomon’s distinction between “deaf” and “Deaf” reflects an important principle in disability studies: Lowercase “deaf” refers to the audiological condition of not hearing, while uppercase “Deaf” refers to the cultural identity and community of people who use sign language and share values, traditions, and experiences. This capitalization convention appears in other identity-based communities as well. In Unmasking Autism, Devon Price capitalizes “Autistic” to emphasize that, like the Deaf community, many Autistic people reject the framing of their difference solely as a medical condition to be cured, instead embracing it as a fundamental part of who they are and how they experience life.)

In this way, a horizontal identity can grant a child access to a culture that’s new and foreign to their parents. Hearing people are often unaware that Deaf culture consists of unique values, traditions, and languages. They also might not know that some people who embrace Deaf culture reject the notion that deafness is a deficiency to be treated with interventions such as cochlear implants. The Deaf community asserts that deafness is a natural human variation and rejects the idea that children need spoken language and hearing ability for normal cognitive development. Recognizing Deaf culture as a legitimate culture requires learning to perceive and engage with the world beyond the dominant hearing culture most of us are familiar with.

(Shortform note: Solomon’s point about parents having to navigate unfamiliar cultural territory is illustrated in the documentary Sound and Fury (2000). The film shows that even when parents are familiar with Deaf culture, deciding how to raise a deaf child remains complex. When Deaf parents Peter and Nita initially hesitated about cochlear implants, they were worried about preserving their children’s connection to Deaf culture. But they ultimately decided the technology could help their children access more opportunities, leading their daughter Heather to thrive in both Deaf and hearing communities. Their story demonstrates how parents must sometimes move beyond seeing horizontal identities as simply “conditions to fix” or “cultures to preserve,” finding ways to honor their children’s identity while expanding their opportunities.)

2. We Want Our Children to Be “Normal”

Second, horizontal identities are challenging for parents who consider themselves “normal” because we want our children to experience life as “normal” people, too. This desire for normality can make it hard for parents to accept a child’s horizontal identity. It can also lead them to see the identity as a problem to be fixed, rather than a difference to be embraced. They might think the solution is to change their child’s identity—straight parents might want a gay child to be straight, or neurotypical parents might hope for a child with autism to be “cured” of the disorder. Yet Solomon explains this calculus often has more to do with the parents’ discomfort with their child’s identity than with any distress it causes the child. 

When parents confront horizontal identities in their children, their instinct to “normalize” their child’s difference can manifest in various ways. Solomon explores this dynamic through two examples: how families navigate gender identity and disability.

How to Parent an Exceptional Child

Solomon writes that parenting a child with a horizontal identity is a life-altering experience that presents unique challenges and opportunities. It requires a deep commitment, resilience, and a willingness to adapt and grow alongside the child. We’ll examine Solomon’s advice for parenting a child with a horizontal identity.

Understand and Accept Your Child’s Differences

Solomon explains it’s imperative to understand and accept your child’s difference, no matter what it is. Educating yourself prepares you to provide appropriate care, support, and accommodations. Accepting your child’s abilities enables you to nurture their strengths and foster a strong sense of self-worth. But Solomon acknowledges that achieving understanding and acceptance is a process: Parents have to come to terms with the emotional impact of having a child with unexpected differences or disabilities. It’s natural to feel grief, anger, fear, and even guilt. Yet it’s essential to work through these feelings to cultivate a mindset of hope for the child’s future.

When parents first learn about their child’s condition, the learning curve can be steep. For example, Solomon explains that autism spectrum disorder affects how a person perceives and interacts with the world around them: They may struggle to understand social cues, make eye contact, or engage in back-and-forth conversations; show repetitive behaviors (such as rocking, hand-flapping, or repeating words or phrases); have restricted interests or experience distress with change; and experience sensory processing issues that make them hypersensitive or hyposensitive to certain stimuli. Parents have to learn about their child’s unique experiences to determine how to best interact with them, raise them, and advocate for them.

(Shortform note: As Solomon explains, it can be challenging for a parent who’s neurotypical to orient themselves to a neurodivergent child’s experience. That’s because a neurodivergent person’s brain processes information and experiences the world differently. Neurodivergent people may have autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, or various other intellectual and mental health conditions. Research shows neurodivergent individuals often have unique strengths and challenges in areas such as focus, sensory processing, and problem-solving compared to neurotypical individuals.)

Another crucial part of the learning process is to acknowledge the importance of acceptance and find a community where your child can feel they belong. Solomon writes this can foster stronger bonds and healthier relationships within your family, and it can also help your child accept their own differences. Your celebration of what’s different about your child lays a strong foundation for self-acceptance. Helping your child find peers who share similar experiences or identities can help them feel validated (particularly during their teenage years, when peer acceptance is more important). Also, helping them find positive representation in media, literature, or public figures can inspire them to take pride in their identity.

(Shortform note: While nature isn’t always kind to animals with a disability, some species offer lessons for humans in acceptance and empathy. Certain species of dolphins and whales demonstrate care, compassion, and acceptance for disabled or injured members of their pod, rather than abandoning them. Pods have been observed assisting disabled members by bringing them food, protecting them from threats, and helping them surface to breathe. Dolphins and whales also sometimes adopt and care for abandoned calves from other species. These marine mammals may play games together and teach each other new skills, suggesting a capacity for empathy.)

Solomon contends that cultivating a more empathetic understanding of a horizontal identity makes society more inclusive for everyone with that identity. For example, by learning about the experiences of people with autism spectrum disorders, we make society more accepting of individuals with these differences. This can help reduce stigma and negative stereotypes, and the discrimination and social isolation they create. 

Solomon explains that, by cultivating a better understanding of what people with a horizontal identity experience, we can also equip ourselves to advocate for the changes needed to make our world more inclusive of and accessible to people with this difference. For example, with a better understanding of what people with autism experience, we can become more informed advocates for creating environments, educational programs, and social opportunities that enable individuals with this difference to thrive and lead fulfilling lives. 

(Shortform note: In the film Examined Life, philosophers Sunaura Taylor and Judith Butler discuss how accessibility enables social acceptance. Increasing physical accessibility, such as wheelchair ramps and lowered sidewalks, leads to greater social inclusion and acceptance of people with disabilities, as it allows them to be more visible and integrated in society. Butler and Taylor also explain that recognizing and accommodating diverse bodies and abilities is necessary for people to fully negotiate their identities, find social belonging, and thrive.)

Make a Practical Plan

It’s crucial to understand and accept a child’s horizontal identity—and also to figure out the practical aspects of how to best parent a child with a difference, especially one that constitutes a disability. Solomon explains that families need to plan how to meet the child’s physical, cognitive, emotional, and social needs. He recommends a range of practical strategies he observed in families parenting children with a variety of needs and circumstances.

1. Seek professional support: Solomon writes that it’s important to collaborate with health-care professionals, therapists, and educational specialists who have experience with children like yours. By assembling a team of professionals who can advise you, you can develop an individualized plan for your child’s care and development. Working with professionals can also help you ensure your child receives comprehensive support in all the areas they need it. 

For example, if you have a child who is Deaf, professionals can teach you to communicate with your child in American Sign Language (ASL), to advocate for their educational rights to sign language instruction and accommodations, and to make informed decisions on assistive technologies such as cochlear implants that align with the values of Deaf culture.

(Shortform note: While it’s crucial to seek professional support, some parents find it challenging to separate legitimate medical advice from pseudoscientific claims, such as those that purport to offer a “cure” for autism. Some autism researchers warn that unproven interventions—such as chelation, lupron, bleach therapy, prism glasses, and many others—prey on vulnerable parents and lack scientific evidence of safety and efficacy. Similarly, some experts dispute the link between strep infections and neuropsychiatric symptoms such as OCD and tics in the controversial condition PANDAS: Large studies have failed to find an association, but some clinics market expensive tests and risky treatments such as long-term antibiotics and immunosuppressants.)

2. Embrace early intervention: For many conditions and disorders, early intervention programs can significantly improve a child’s developmental outcomes. Solomon recommends finding and engaging with these programs as early as possible to maximize their effectiveness. 

(Shortform note: Child development experts agree with Solomon that early intervention services can significantly improve developmental outcomes and life trajectories for children with delays or disabilities. The first three years of a child’s life are a critical window when neural connections are most malleable. So, seeking early assistance for developmental concerns can enhance a child’s ability to acquire new skills and increase their chances of success in school and life.)

Solomon explains that, for example, early diagnosis and intervention can make a big difference for a child with autism. Solomon explains that therapies such as speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, and social skills training can be started when your child is very young to address specific challenges and help them develop in a healthy way. Some families choose methods specific to their child’s difference, such as applied behavior analysis (ABA) for autism spectrum disorders. 

(Shortform note: While early intervention programs such as ABA can provide practical support and skills development for some children on the autism spectrum, autism researchers and clinicians note that some autistic people have found ABA to be traumatic. Many autistic self-advocates report experiencing trauma, loss of autonomy, and psychological harm from traditional ABA methods that focus on rigid compliance and suppression of natural autistic behaviors such as stimming. They raise concerns that ABA’s system of rewards and punishments, and its emphasis on making children appear “indistinguishable” from neurotypical peers, is dehumanizing and negates autistic identity.)

3. Foster independence: While it’s important to provide your child with the support they need, Solomon explains it’s also crucial to encourage them to develop a healthy sense of independence and autonomy. Parents can teach their exceptional children life skills, promote self-advocacy, and involve them in decision-making processes as appropriate for their age and abilities. In doing so, they help their child live their fullest and most fulfilling life.

(Shortform note: Researchers say one specific approach that can help promote independence in all children is to frame everyday tasks such as getting dressed as learning opportunities. By viewing these tasks through an educational lens, parents are less likely to intervene excessively and more likely to allow children to learn through exploration and hands-on practice. Helping children learn independently is also a cornerstone of the Montessori educational philosophy, which Maria Montessori developed by observing children with disabilities. She recognized their ability to learn through exploration and advocated for a child-centered approach that made room for their innate curiosity and concentration to guide their education.)

4. Build a support network: Parenting a child with disabilities can be emotionally and physically demanding. Solomon recommends seeking support from family, friends, support groups, or counseling services to maintain your well-being and prevent burnout. Finding other people who have experience with the difference or disability your child has can also connect you with an invaluable source of guidance and advice and with people who can empathize with your family’s particular challenges.

(Shortform note: Few people expect to parent a child with a horizontal identity. But as Solomon points out, there are many resources available to help parents who find themselves embarking on such an “unplanned journey.” Many parents of children with disabilities say that in addition to accessing available professional services, they’ve found it helpful to connect with other parents facing similar challenges. Being part of a formal or informal support group can help combat feelings of isolation and provide invaluable guidance. Reading books and online resources by parents who have walked this path can also offer insights to help families adapt.)

5. Advocate for your child: Educate yourself about your child’s rights, the resources they’re entitled to, and the accommodations for which they qualify. Solomon explains that parents need to actively advocate for their child’s needs in educational, medical, and community settings.

6. Celebrate milestones: Every achievement, no matter how small, deserves recognition and celebration, according to Solomon. He explains that it’s important to acknowledge your child’s progress and efforts, as this can boost their confidence and motivation.

7. Plan for the future: Consider long-term planning for your child’s future, including legal and financial arrangements, housing options, and potential guardianship or support systems. This proactive approach can provide peace of mind and ensure your child’s well-being is secured.

(Shortform note: While advocating for your child, celebrating their achievements, and planning for their future are important, some advocates advise parents to start with something simpler: learning to genuinely accept and not feel embarrassed by their child’s disability. A parent’s understanding of disability shapes the child’s experience. Parents might naturally see disability as a misfortune to battle, an embarrassment to hide, a practical challenge to face, an opportunity to build character, or an identity and culture to embrace. They might initially feel anxious, try to control their child’s behaviors, or feel ashamed, which sends a negative message to the child. But over time, parents can shift to a more accepting and affirming approach.)

Realize That Your Child Will Change You

Solomon writes that parents and children are shaped by their relationships with one another, and this mutual influence can be profound when a child has a horizontal identity. Solomon observes that, when you become a parent to a child who is exceptional in some way, the experience often exaggerates your characteristics and parenting style. As a result, your influence on your child is more extreme—much better or much worse—than it otherwise might have been. In this way, who you are and your beliefs about the world shape your child and how they see themself and their difference.

But Solomon contends that, in addition to making a parent more themselves, a child with a horizontal identity also changes the parent: To love a child who differs from what was expected, you have to change your idea of what kind of child you can raise, what kind of person you can build a relationship with, and what kind of human you can love. He explains that instead of loving a child for what they reflect back to you of yourself, you can love them as and for themselves. By learning to accept an exceptional child, you can expand your capacity for empathy for your children, for yourself, and for the wider diversity of human experiences.