This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Power" by Shahida Arabi. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Is your partner constantly tearing you down? Do they ever build you back up with compliments and gifts?
The above pattern is quite common in narcissists. According to Power by Shahida Arabi, it’s a tactic known as “Idealize-Devalue-Discard,” which manipulates victims into staying in the relationship.
Let’s take a closer look at the Idealize-Devalue-Discard tactic.
A Pattern of Building You Up and Tearing You Down
A common behavior in narcissists is a repeating pattern of showering you with love, compliments, and affection to suck you into a relationship, only to then tear you down psychologically through covert and direct insults. Arabi says that this tends to end with the narcissist abandoning you in a cruel way, though they are likely to try to maintain control and start the pattern all over again with false promises of changing their behavior. Arabi refers to this as the “Idealize-Devalue-Discard” cycle.
(Shortform note: In Why Does He Do That?, Bancroft says that playing “hot and cold” is a common strategy used by abusers in general—not just narcissists—to maintain control and keep the victim walking on eggshells because they’re not sure which version of their partner they’ll get from moment to moment. He writes that in this pattern of behavior, the phases of false kindness feel like a relief compared to the abuser’s hostile phases, even though it’s manipulation.)
This tactic is effective because at the neurological level, it establishes a biochemical addiction to the narcissist. The narcissist’s false charm and over-the-top expressions of love (what Arabi calls “love-bombing”) tend to make you invested in them quickly, and it leads to high amounts of the brain chemical dopamine that makes you feel good. (Shortform note: Experts assert that signs of love-bombing to look out for at the onset of a relationship include: excessive gifts, strong jealous reactions when you spend time with other people, constant praise and flattery, and pressure to make your relationship serious very quickly.)
Arabi then says that when the narcissist begins to turn on you and withhold that affection, you’ll strive to please them to get back to that level of dopamine. By erratically flip-flopping between love and cruelty, the narcissist creates what psychologists call an “intermittent reward” that makes the dopamine rush even more intense when they finally treat you well. Arabi compares this to when people play slot machines, and they can’t stop playing because of the randomness of the occasional earnings.
(Shortform note: Social media companies also leverage the phenomenon of intermittent rewards to keep people engaged longer, spurring widespread addiction to apps such as Facebook and Instagram. For example, one article says that Instagram’s algorithm is programmed to withhold “likes” on posts and then deliver them in larger bursts. This results in the user’s initial disappointment that they didn’t receive social validation, followed by compulsive checking of their notifications, and finally the dopamine rush of several “like” notifications that encourages the user to keep posting.)
Attacking Your Self-Esteem
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Like what you just read? Read the rest of the world's best book summary and analysis of Shahida Arabi's "Power" at Shortform.
Here's what you'll find in our full Power summary:
- A look at the severe condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
- How to avoid or end relationships with narcissists
- Advice for healing after narcissistic abuse
