This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Chimp Paradox" by Steve Peters. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What is the difference between assertive and aggressive communication? What can you do to avoid being aggressive? How can this help you to avoid conflict?
The difference between assertive and aggressive communication is whether you are in control of your emotions. Another key difference between assertive and aggressive communication is how you present your message. In The Chimp Paradox, Steve Peters says that aggressive behavior is caused by your emotional inner Chimp taking over.
Read on to find out the key differences between assertive and aggressive communication and what this has to do with your inner Chimp.
The Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Communication
In The Chimp Paradox, Steve Peters introduces his inner Chimp theory. This is the theory that you have a mischievous inner Chimp in your brain, who can sometimes make life difficult for you.
Steve Peters’ inner Chimp theory can help you to understand the difference between assertive and aggressive communication. Read on to find out how.
Assertive vs Aggressive Communication:
Often, your reluctance to speak to the person at the center of your issue is caused by a lack of assertiveness, which in itself is often caused by your Chimp’s fear of upsetting other people because that might cause you to be excluded. This frequently comes from a confusion about the difference between assertive and aggressive behavior and people sometimes avoid being assertive out of fear that they’ll come across as aggressive.
Assertiveness is explaining to someone what is and what isn’t acceptable. Aggressiveness is doing this with emotion in an attacking manner. Being assertive is good; being aggressive is not. Assertiveness will get your message across clearly and effectively and will lead to solutions. In contrast, aggression will wake up the Chimp in the other person and will lead to conflict: The other person will either attack or recoil—either way, she is no longer listening to your message.
To be assertive, follow these steps, using “I” statements for each:
- Explain what you don’t want the other person to do.
- Explain how their actions make you feel.
- Explain what you do want them to do.
So, for example, if your manager yells at you for being late, instead of responding with aggression and defensiveness, you could say:
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Like what you just read? Read the rest of the world's best book summary and analysis of Steve Peters's "The Chimp Paradox" at Shortform .
Here's what you'll find in our full The Chimp Paradox summary :
- Why we struggle to control our urges, succumb to temptation, and sabotage our own success
- How to manage your inner chimp to become happier, more balanced, and successful
- Why your psychological world is like a solar system with 7 planets
