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Should you and your partner talk about sex? If so, when and how? What are some ways to communicate without words?
Sharing physical intimacy in a relationship is a major way to maintain your and your partner’s happiness with each other. Relationship experts recommend that you communicate about sex. But, their recommendations for how to communicate about sex differ.
Keep reading to learn these physical intimacy strategies and determine what’s worth trying in your relationship.
#1: Talk About Sex
Of course, sex is a major aspect of physical intimacy in a relationship. In Eight Dates, relationship researcher John Gottman, his wife—fellow relationship researcher Julie Schwartz Gottman—and married couple Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams argue that a healthy sex life depends on honest conversation. Sex and intimacy are particularly sensitive topics for most people, which is why a lot of couples don’t talk regularly about their sex life or sexual desires. However, research suggests that couples that talk regularly about sex have better sex more often.
The authors offer a few tips for talking about sex with your partner. First, make sure you’re not doing it right before, during, or after sex. Since it’s a delicate topic, bringing it up in the moment is a recipe for disaster. Second, don’t underestimate the power of humor. Sex doesn’t have to be serious, so don’t be afraid to bring some lightness to the conversation.
Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:
- What do you like?
- When and how do you like to initiate sex?
- What can I do to improve our sex life?
#2: Use Non-Verbal Communication
In Mating in Captivity, couples therapist Esther Perel suggests that talking about sex isn’t always the right choice. Perel explains that, in modern times, talking has become the default language for intimacy. This is due to the female influence on modern relationships. As women became more economically independent, they wanted more from their relationships than being financially provided for—they wanted emotional connection, too. And, because women are socialized to be good at verbal communication, they build (and expect men to build) intimacy by talking.
Men, however, have been socialized to take a more physical approach when expressing themselves. They’re often more comfortable developing intimacy through non-verbal communication, for example, through touch or sex.
So, if you communicate verbally and your partner communicates non-verbally, or vice versa, first acknowledge that there’s more than one way to create intimacy. Then, try learning to speak each other’s languages in a non-sexual context to begin with. For example, you can practice non-sexual, non-verbal communication by playing games like leading each other around the room, doing trust falls, and mirroring each other’s movements.
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Here's what you'll find in our full The Master Guides: Maintaining a Happy Relationship summary:
- Advice from top relationship experts on how to maintain a happy relationship
- How to sustain both emotional and physical intimacy
- How to handle conflict so it doesn't ruin your relationship
