What works better than imagining yourself in someone else’s shoes? How can asking the right questions transform your ability to understand and influence others?
Perspective getting is a powerful alternative to the traditional practice of perspective taking, and it’s a crucial part of successful negotiations. In Start With No, Jim Camp says you can gain genuine insights into others’ viewpoints and guide negotiations more effectively by asking the right questions.
Keep reading to learn how to ask questions that unlock the doors to better understanding and more successful outcomes in any negotiation.
Perspective Getting
Camp writes that, during a negotiation, you should ask a lot of questions. Asking questions opens doorways to your adversary’s world, allowing you to understand the perspective from which they make decisions. When you understand the other party’s perspective, you can guide them toward making rational decisions that are favorable to you.
| Understanding What Others Want: Perspective Taking vs. Perspective Getting Other experts agree with Camp that asking questions is the best way to see a situation from someone else’s perspective. They argue that perspective taking, where you try to envision yourself in another person’s position, isn’t very effective. Research conducted across a diverse group of subjects, from students to working adults, found that perspective taking doesn’t necessarily provide accurate insights into their wants and feelings. Even when people tried to think like their friends or spouses (as opposed to strangers), they didn’t have much luck guessing their thoughts. Instead of perspective taking, experts recommend “perspective getting”—asking questions to gain new information. You can do this by asking for people’s opinions. For example, if you’re selling a home security system, you might ask how the other person feels about the safety of their neighborhood. Their answer could clue you in as to what their needs are. |
In addition to perspective getting, questions encourage the other party to do most of the speaking. This helps you discover helpful information without accidentally revealing information that gives them an advantage.
You can also use questions to fuel the other party’s sense of neediness by asking them to imagine what they stand to lose without a deal. For example, if you’re offering a home security system, you could ask, “How many precious family heirlooms can you afford to lose in a break-in?”
How to Ask Good Questions
Camp suggests you avoid verb-led questions, such as “Does this proposal sound good?” as these questions typically solicit either a “yes” or “no” answer and limit the amount of information the other party shares with you. Instead, opt for questions that begin with “who,” “what,” “when,” “where,” “why,” how,” and “which.” For instance, a question such as “What steps can we take to make this proposal sound better for you?” is comforting, non-aggressive, and encourages information sharing.
(Shortform note: While Camp recommends avoiding verb-led questions in negotiations, other experts say that verb-led questions are helpful for detecting deception and getting honest, straightforward answers. For example, if you’re negotiating the lease terms for an apartment, the question “Have there been any reported break-ins in this building in the past year?” will get you a more clear-cut answer about the building’s security history than “What can you tell me about the neighborhood?”)
For maximum effect, keep your questions simple and concise—complex questions may confuse your adversary and cause the negotiation to lose focus. Camp also suggests you ask one question at a time and truly listen to the response rather than prepare your retort or try to guide the answer in your favor.
(Shortform note: Research shows that people like you better the more responsive you seem. Asking follow-up questions, in particular, increases people’s perceptions of how responsive you are. So, to make your adversary like you better, you should ask simple questions one at a time, listen carefully to their responses, and then ask follow-up questions about their responses.)
Camp suggests four strategies for negotiating with questions.
1. Put your counterpart at ease. Discomfort makes people defensive and less open to what you’re saying, which makes it harder to negotiate with them. To put people at ease, maintain non-threatening body language (such as leaning back in your chair) and preface your questions with supportive statements—for instance, “That’s a good point.” You can also help the other party feel comfortable by presenting yourself as less than perfect. Show a bit of struggle or share a laugh about a harmless blunder—for instance, you could admit that you’re slightly late because you struggled to park your car in a tight space.
(Shortform note: Other experts agree that showing some vulnerability can make people more receptive to you, but they argue that you should do so only after you’ve demonstrated your skills and knowledge in some way. In Give and Take, Adam Grant explains what’s known as the pratfall effect: If people already see you as competent, revealing small mistakes makes you more likable. However, if you haven’t proven your competence, people may doubt your abilities and like you less. So, be sure to present yourself as an effective negotiator before being vulnerable about your flaws.)
2. Answer with questions. Respond to the other party’s questions with your own questions. For example, you might redirect a question by saying: “That’s a really important point. How do you feel about that?” This technique allows you to control the negotiation, prevent yourself from leaking information, and gather more insight about your counterpart.
(Shortform note: Deflecting questions with answers can help you avoid disclosing information you don’t want to disclose, but it doesn’t come naturally to most people. Because of this, other experts suggest you anticipate difficult questions the other party might ask you. Then, prepare deflecting questions related to the same topic to avoid breaking up the flow of the negotiation. This way, you don’t have to come up with these questions on the spot.)
3. Keep the other party talking. Similarly, respond to implied questions and provocative assertions with statements that encourage the other party to share more information. For example, if the other party says, “That’s a high price for that piece of software,” instead of explaining why the price is justified, you could say, “I’d like to understand why you think so.” By giving them an opportunity to express more details, you gain a deeper understanding of their needs and their position.
(Shortform note: In The Fine Art of Small Talk, Debra Fine says that active listening is an effective tool for encouraging the other party to share more information. Active listening means giving the speaker visual and verbal feedback that you’re listening to them. Visual feedback includes nodding and maintaining eye contact while avoiding behaviors that signal disinterest (such as fidgeting, crossing your limbs, or resting your chin in your hand). Verbal feedback includes questions as Camp suggests, but you can also consider paraphrasing and repeating their words to prompt them to elaborate or clarify. By giving visual and verbal feedback, you help the other party feel heard and thus more eager to continue talking.)
4. Triple check. Stick with a question until you receive the answer at least three times. This gives your opponent many chances to reexamine their decision. They can verify if they were right, justify their choice, or change their mind. Instead of pushing them into a corner, this approach lets them reflect on their stance and makes them feel in control.
(Shortform note: Triple checking may be especially helpful when negotiating with people from a higher-context culture than you. In The Culture Map, Erin Meyer explains that low-context cultures, such as the United States, communicate at face value, and it’s the speaker’s responsibility to communicate their message clearly. On the other hand, higher-context cultures rely more on actions or contexts that aren’t explicitly talked about. So, by asking questions multiple times, you can be sure that you’ve captured all of the nuance and that you clearly understand their response.)
