This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What are the most common parenting challenges when dealing with tantrums? How can you overcome these obstacles to correct behavior?
Learning how to stop outbursts without creating a bigger issue can be tough. Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child says that parents may face three common challenges while disciplining their child, and offers solutions.
Let’s look at the obstacles parents have to overcome in order to put their child’s emotions on the right track.
Challenge #1: Reluctance
Greene acknowledges that a common parenting challenge happens early on when you choose to discuss bad behavior, and your child might be reluctant or unwilling to talk. This is normal and usually occurs for two main reasons:
- Your child still expects a one-way “demand” strategy and isn’t used to this new two-way approach. Therefore, they might still be somewhat defensive or not yet have the executive skills to communicate openly.
- Your child genuinely doesn’t know why they struggle with a practical challenge or why they had an outburst.
Even if your child is reluctant early on, keep at it. Continuing to have these conversations will help them get better at reflecting on and communicating their feelings.
(Shortform note: While Greene’s advice to manage reluctance mainly centers around reducing negative feelings in a discussion, other parenting experts suggest you can also increase positive feelings your child has toward self-awareness and expression. By praising your child for expressing their feelings or having them identify their strengths, you can encourage them to be more open even outside of discussions about practical challenges.)
Challenge #2: Other Children and Adults
The second common challenge Greene brings up is managing your child when they’re around other children and adults. Because public outbursts can get chaotic quickly, Greene emphasizes safety and stability should be your first priority—even if it means getting medication to manage their behavior or using the “delay” strategy to avoid outbursts. In addition, you can make things easier for yourself by explaining your child’s outbursts to others:
- Tell your child’s school about what causes your child to have outbursts, as well as the solutions you and your child use to prevent them. (Shortform note: In addition to telling your child’s teachers your experience, ask them for their perspectives—hearing how someone else sees your child behave in a different environment might give you more insight into your child’s outbursts.)
- If your child’s siblings resent the special attention or privileges your child receives, explain that fair doesn’t always mean equal—different people struggle with different things, and your job as a parent is to help your children overcome whatever their struggles may be. (Shortform note: Parenting experts note that in addition to explaining how different kids need help in different ways, you can help address sibling jealousy by pointing out and praising each sibling for their unique strengths and talents.)
Challenge #3: Difficulty Communicating
Greene explains that if your child has limited communication, whether due to a disability, diagnosed condition, or any other number of reasons, the “discuss” strategy becomes more difficult but not impossible. You can use simplified methods like key phrases or pointing to pictures to help them express their needs. If your child is largely unable to communicate, you can keep track of their outbursts and try to find patterns of when they occur. These patterns can help you determine and then address the causes of those outbursts.
(Shortform note: In addition to pictures and key phrases, role play is a commonly used method of communicating practical challenges and boundaries to children with autism and learning disabilities. Role play not only allows you to model good behavior for your child, but it also allows your child to practice good behavior while they’re still calm and in a safe environment.)
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Like what you just read? Read the rest of the world's best book summary and analysis of Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" at Shortform.
Here's what you'll find in our full The Explosive Child summary:
- How to get your life back when you have a child with behavioral problems
- Common myths about the causes of outbursts and why they really happen
- Why prevention is key for addressing long-term behavioral issues
