Are you an adoptive or foster parent? Do you ever feel inadequate or frustrated? How does your mental health affect the child you’re caring for?
In their book The Connected Child, the authors highlight the importance of parental self-care, especially when caring for at-risk children. It’s necessary for parents to confront their own wounds and prioritize their own mental health to be successful caregivers.
Here’s why parental self-care is essential for adoptive parents.
The Importance of Parents’ Personal Healing in Supporting At-Risk Children
In their book The Connected Child, Purvis, Cross, and Sunshine emphasize the importance of a parent’s personal healing process in supporting children who are at risk, and provide guidance on handling difficulties.
Understanding Attachment Styles and Emotional Wounds
One key aspect they highlight is the significance of parents recognizing their own attachment styles and emotional wounds. This involves confronting and resolving past traumas and insecurities to foster self-kindness and the capacity to engage emotionally. The authors advise parents to acquire techniques, explained in subsequent chapters, to help their adopted child flourish beyond simply managing behavior.
For example, if a caregiver notices their child showing signs of anxiety each morning prior to school, they can establish a soothing morning routine to help reduce the child’s anxiety and improve their school experience. This is part of the parent’s own process of change and forming emotional connections, which involves creating a positive repository of memories that highlight the positive attributes of the child.
Developing Self-Compassion and Emotional Presence
The authors argue that the emotional scars borne by parents frequently impede the recovery of a child. Healing oneself is crucial for supporting the child. They encourage caregivers to candidly discuss and examine their challenging histories in order to understand their feelings and origins. By recognizing their own challenges and progressing beyond them, parents can establish a deep and meaningful engagement with their children.
For instance, if a parent grew up in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged, they might find it challenging to foster a nurturing environment for their children. By recognizing this pattern and actively working to express emotions in a constructive manner, the parent can cultivate a more nurturing and emotionally enriched relationship with their child.
(Shortform Notes: The emphasis on parental healing and self-compassion, though crucial, may inadvertently place additional pressure on adoptive parents, leading to feelings of guilt or inadequacy if improvements do not occur as expected.)
Managing the Ups and Downs of Recovery
Purvis, Cross, and Sunshine advise parents to be prepared for the unpredictable aspects of the recovery process and to acknowledge the continuous challenges the child encounters. Learning and progress in adopting new strategies may not always follow a straight path and might involve occasional setbacks. Anticipating and preparing for challenges can mitigate their disruptive effects. Celebrating small victories while maintaining a long-term perspective plays a crucial role in progressing on the recovery journey.
For example, if a young child accidentally spills a drink in a restaurant, a caregiver can help clean up calmly while reassuring the child that accidents happen, preventing embarrassment and fostering trust. This approach is part of the parental strategy for managing their personal recovery and challenges.
Prioritizing Self-Care and Support
The authors also stress the necessity of pursuing support, respite, and personal development. Caring for at-risk children often results in parents facing considerable emotional and physical exhaustion, which can undermine their social, familial, and spousal support networks. Parents must prioritize their own rejuvenation to maintain the household’s overall health and offer therapeutic support to their children.
Purvis, Cross, and Sunshine advise parents to manage their stress through participation in physical exercises, ensuring adequate sleep, taking dietary supplements, and allocating time for enjoyment and relaxation. Spending private time with a spouse and obtaining emotional support from reliable people is crucial for a parent’s recovery journey. By prioritizing self-care and seeking support when needed, parents can better navigate the challenges of raising at-risk children while also fostering their own emotional well-being.
