Do you live authentically, or for others? Why is authentic living so important to happiness?
Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, shares that one of the biggest regrets people have on their deathbed is not living an authentic life. She also provides insights into how to live more authentically in a judgemental world.
Continue reading for Ware’s life-changing advice.
The Regret of Not Living Authentically
Ware writes that the number one regret her clients had was not living an authentic life. Living authentically means acting and making choices based on what you truly want and on the values you believe in. Many of Ware’s patients expressed that they had let the expectations of others dictate how they should live instead of honoring their own dreams and desires.
(Shortform note: In 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think, Brianna Wiest explains why we might unknowingly live inauthentically: From an early age, we realize that we can get attention, love, and approval by pleasing others—for example, by getting good grades to make our parents proud or dressing a certain way to fit in with our peers. As we grow older, this habit of seeking external validation becomes so ingrained that we lose touch with our true desires. As a result, we may inadvertently make life choices based on what we think others want from us, rather than what we truly want for ourselves.)
Ware shares an example from one of her patients named Grace, who had lived according to society’s expectations instead of her own wishes: Despite wanting to travel the world and live free from her husband, she felt pressured to remain in an unhappy marriage. When her husband had to move into a nursing home and Grace finally gained freedom, she fell ill with a terminal illness. In her final moments, she regretted not having found the courage to live the way she wanted to sooner.
(Shortform note: Divorce rates among older couples are on the rise. This trend, known as “gray divorce,” has seen a sharp increase since 1990, while divorce rates for younger people have declined. Experts point out many reasons for this increase: For example, divorce is more socially acceptable and less stigmatized than it used to be (a barrier that Grace had struggled with). Women also have more financial independence than in previous generations, which gives them more freedom to leave unhappy marriages.)
Find the Courage to Be Yourself
Ware writes that to live authentically, you must find the courage to let go of others’ expectations. Fear of judgment and ridicule can push you to hide or suppress your desires and even your identity to conform to the norm or to please others. Ware experienced this struggle herself, staying in unfulfilling banking roles for a decade because she was afraid of facing disapproval from her family. However, Ware argues that when you let this fear control your choices, you’ll almost inevitably have regrets at the end of your life.
Let go of others’ expectations by recognizing that they don’t matter in the end. Ware’s patients found that in their final moments, the opinions of others were meaningless.
(Shortform note: In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson says that if you want to stop letting other people’s expectations define how you live, you must practice rejection. Decide on the people and experiences that matter most to you and say no to everything else—whether it’s an activity that doesn’t make you happy, a burdensome relationship, or an unnecessary possession. When you commit to a few key priorities, you feel less pressure to conform to what others want. You’ll also experience more satisfaction because by committing to your values and the things you care about, you won’t constantly wonder if you’d be happier with a different choice.)
