Liberated Relationships: adrienne maree brown on Mutual Freedom

What does it mean to have liberated relationships in today’s world? How can pleasure activism transform the way we connect with partners, friends, and family members?

In her book Pleasure Activism, adrienne maree brown explores how relationships can become sources of genuine empowerment and joy rather than obligation. Her framework for liberated relationships encourages honest communication, mutual freedom, and the celebration of each person’s needs.

Keep reading to discover practical ways to create more fulfilling connections that honor both your desires and those of the people you love.

adrienne maree brown on Relationships

According to brown, pleasure activism changes how we relate to each other by encouraging relationships rooted in honesty, mutual freedom, and shared joy, rather than obligation. When we follow pleasure activist principles, she argues, our relationships become sources of empowerment where we define our connections based on what brings us authentic happiness, rather than patterning our relationships around social norms that may not fit. We’ll explore how pleasure activism can create liberated relationships (romantic or platonic) and lead to deeper caregiving and parent-child relationships.

Validating Liberated Relationships

brown advocates the idea of “liberated relationships,” which discourage possessiveness and focus on the freedom and transformation of everyone involved, whether the relationship be romantic or platonic. 

(Shortform note: Creating more liberated relationships is challenging because possessiveness stems from both psychological and cultural roots. At the individual level, possessive behavior often arises from deep-seated insecurities, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, and a need for control. These personal factors are then reinforced by cultural narratives about love, leading people to try to “secure” their relationships by controlling their partner’s actions and limiting their autonomy.)

While many cultures often prioritize romantic relationships above all others, brown suggests that deep, lasting friendships can also exemplify the principles of pleasure-centered relationships and provide the unconditional love and deep understanding we often seek out in our romantic connections. For instance, brown speaks of her two-decade-long friendships, wherein her closeknit group of friends supports each other and fosters an environment of honesty, care, and healthy interdependence.

(Shortform note: Research shows that strong friendships are fundamental to personal well-being, and their benefits often match or exceed the benefits of romantic relationships. Quality friendships correlate with improved physical and mental health, including lower stress levels, reduced depression risk, and better blood pressure. Studies have shown that people with at least three to five close friends have better self-esteem, more robust coping mechanisms, and a deeper sense of belonging.)

brown’s perspective on romantic relationship structures evolved as she explored pleasure activism. Initially, she believed that nonmonogamous partnerships were inherently superior to traditional monogamous ones. However, she later recognized that both approaches can successfully meet people’s needs—the critical factor isn’t the relationship structure itself, but rather how well it aligns with the desires of the people involved. She argues that the foundation of any fulfilling relationship, whether monogamous or nonmonogamous, lies in open communication about desires and boundaries that help everyone feel emotionally and physically fulfilled.

Finally, brown argues that boundaries are vital for liberated relationships. She introduces the concept of generative boundaries—dynamic agreements that encourage growth and connection. While traditional boundaries can feel like rules that are set in stone, generative boundaries are intended to evolve through open discussion of people’s underlying needs. For example, instead of saying “no texting exes,” partners might explore what makes this behavior feel threatening and create flexible agreements around transparency and purpose. In this way, boundaries become opportunities for building trust and understanding, while still protecting what matters to both people.

(Shortform note: brown’s framework represents a theoretical evolution in how we understand boundaries. While traditional boundary theorists such as Murray Bowen emphasized boundaries primarily as tools for psychological protection and differentiation between self and others, brown builds on somatic therapist Prentis Hemphill’s more nuanced definition of boundaries as “the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Both brown and Hemphill suggest that the “distance” varies contextually and can be renegotiated as relationships, circumstances, and individual capacities change over time.)

Reimagining Caregiving

Care relationships are ongoing interpersonal bonds where one person provides physical, emotional, or medical support to another who needs assistance, such as between caregivers and patients, parents and children, or nurses and those they care for. According to brown, care relationships are often seen as a dilemma between independence and dependency. Pleasure activism reframes caregiving as an avenue for mutual joy and connection, emphasizing that humans naturally rely on and support one another. This perspective transforms caregiving from a burden into a means for building community and deepening relationships.

(Shortform note: Cultural values shape attitudes and experiences of caregiving. For example, in East Asian cultures, caregiving is a matter of family honor and duty, with children expected to care for aging parents. Latino cultures approach caregiving through “familismo,” prioritizing family needs and extending responsibilities to extended family and friends. Such diverse approaches influence societal perceptions of caregivers and care quality: When societies value caregiving roles, they create environments that promote sustainable practices and enhance outcomes for everyone involved and remind us that at its heart, caregiving is about nurturing meaningful bonds and finding fulfillment in supporting others.)

Care and vulnerability are often seen as signs of weakness in our society, but scholars and activists are working to transform this perspective. brown argues that needing help creates opportunities for what she terms “vulnerable strength”—the ability to be both resilient and open to support from others. This concept comes alive in disability justice communities, where gatherings blend practical caregiving with artistic expression and celebration, demonstrating how moments of vulnerability can strengthen social bonds rather than diminish them.

(Shortform note: In her 2018 book Care Work, disability justice activist Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha explores a new approach to caregiving: “Collective access” reimagines accessibility as a shared community practice rather than a matter of individual accommodation. For example, communities can actively collaborate to meet each other’s needs, instead of treating accessibility as merely a checklist of technical requirements (such as providing interpreters or installing wheelchair ramps. This collaborative approach embodies brown’s notion of vulnerable strength by showing how acknowledging our interdependence can create more resilient and nurturing communities.)

Modeling Pleasure in Parenting

Parenting, according to brown, is a unique form of caregiving that offers the opportunity to help children understand their own pleasure and develop a healthy relationship with their bodies. To achieve this, parents must first understand and appreciate the importance of pleasure in their own lives to effectively guide their children. Brown emphasizes that this foundation is crucial for creating environments where children can develop a positive self-image, and where bodily autonomy and open communication are the norms.

(Shortform note: According to developmental psychologist Albert Bandura’s social learning theory, children learn primarily through observation and imitation of adults in their lives (as opposed to explicit instruction).Through observation of both verbal and non-verbal cues, children internalize patterns of how parents handle stress, express emotions, and set boundaries. When parents model healthy behaviors and attitudes around pleasure, they create templates that children naturally incorporate into their own growth. This modeling process is particularly important for developing emotional intelligence and understanding concepts such as bodily autonomy and consent.)

Parents can encourage children to develop a healthy relationship with pleasure through intentional actions such as providing appropriate physical affection, shielding children from harmful body-related messages, and celebrating children’s physical abilities. They can also support their children’s development by engaging in age-appropriate conversations about bodies and boundaries, while also modeling healthy relationships.