How do social connections contribute to your happiness in both good times and bad? How can you strengthen the link between relationships and joy?
In The How of Happiness, psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsky says that social connections play an important role in your happiness. Strong relationships provide you with happy moments to share and a support system for when things get tough.
Read more to understand the importance of social connections when it comes to lasting happiness in life.
The Importance of Social Connections
Lyubomirsky highlights the importance of social connections in your pursuit of happiness, recommending three relationship-strengthening strategies:
- Be kind: Allocate specific times in your week for altruistic acts or deepening your compassion through understanding and empathizing with others.
- Nurture your relationships: Set aside quality time with loved ones, express affection openly, manage conflicts constructively, and show genuine interest in others.
- Forgive, and move forward: Reflect on personal growth from past hurts, understand the perspectives of those who’ve wronged you, and engage in rituals that symbolize letting go.
Lyubomirsky says that these three strategies enhance your long-term happiness by helping you cultivate deep, authentic bonds; make space for positive emotions in your life; and resist hedonic adaptation. Let’s explore each of these outcomes in detail.
#1: Deep, Authentic Bonds
Lyubomirsky explains that practicing compassion and kindness builds trust—which encourages you and your friends to be authentic, compassionate, and generous with one another.
(Shortform note: How does practicing compassion and kindness encourage others to reciprocate? Jonathan Haidt (The Happiness Hypothesis) clarifies that our compulsion to repay others stems from an evolutionary benefit: Reciprocation encourages cooperation and increases our collective chance of survival. However, many people feel uncomfortable being on the receiving side, precisely because of this strong compulsion to reciprocate. They may even feel mistrust, perceiving your kindness as an attempt to control or manipulate them. Therefore, conveying your goodwill more subtly or genuinely may help others feel comfortable rather than suspicious of you.)
Additionally, Lyubomirsky argues that nurturing diverse friendships, romantic partnerships, and family ties deepens your sense of belonging and bolsters your network of support and emotional comfort.
(Shortform note: While healthy, meaningful connections can improve your mental health, unhealthy relationships can have the opposite effect, making you feel unsafe and unloved. Before sinking time into nurturing a relationship, consider whether doing so will make you feel safe and have a positive effect on your life. Ask yourself whether the relationship makes you feel a sense of mutual respect, trust, honesty, and compassion—key elements of a healthy relationship.)
Finally, Lyubomirsky says that forgiving others, whether it involves reconciliation or not, fosters empathy and understanding, paving the way for genuine bonds.
(Shortform note: Carnegie (How to Stop Worrying and Start Living) adds insight into how Lyubomirsky’s two forgiveness methods can improve both your happiness and your relationships. First, reflecting on personal growth from past hurts encourages you to see the good in the situation and find something to be grateful for. Second, understanding the perspective of those who’ve wronged you helps you empathize with them. These feelings of gratitude and empathy make it easier to feel compassion for those you’ve been resenting, rather than self-pity for yourself.)
#2: Space for More Positive Emotions in Your Life
According to Lyubomirsky, letting go of past hurts creates space for positive emotions by alleviating negative emotions such as resentment, anger, depression, and anxiety.
(Shortform note: Lyubomirsky suggests that performing rituals that symbolize letting go makes forgiveness easier. This might be because physically engaging in a ritual makes the intangible process of emotional catharsis more palpable and real, thereby aiding the release of negative emotions. Such rituals can take numerous forms—you might write your grievances on paper that you then tear up or burn, or take a bath and visualize your hurt dissolving in the water before draining it all away.)
Further, Lyubomirsky explains that engaging in acts of kindness diverts your attention from personal troubles, allowing you to focus on gratitude for your good fortune.
(Shortform note: Many studies suggest that practicing kindness does make you happier. When you give (knowledge, assistance, time, or money) with the intention of helping others, you activate the same parts of your brain that are stimulated by pleasurable activities such as eating good food or having great sex. However, Carnegie (How to Stop Worrying and Start Living), warns that practicing kindness with the intention to receive appreciation creates disappointment if you don’t receive it—thus, making you unhappy. Therefore, release expectations of gratitude or appreciation to fully benefit from your good deeds.)
#3: Resistance to Hedonic Adaptation
Engaging in meaningful relationships can reaffirm your value and boost your self-esteem. Lyubomirsky argues that these benefits provide resistance against hedonic adaptation and ensure a more stable source of happiness—when you feel sure of yourself, you’re less inclined to take part in the social comparison that drives you to quickly lose satisfaction with what you have.
(Shortform note: Not only can improving your self-esteem help maintain your current level of happiness, but it can also help you avoid unhappy events in the future. Hedonic adaptation driven by social comparison—or a need to “keep up with the Joneses”—can compel you to chase happiness by continually accumulating nicer things and experiences. However, in the long run, this can set you up for stress: Ongoing, increasing spending can land you in debt or leave you without a safety net in an emergency. A strong sense of self-esteem can keep you from tying your value to accumulation, makes it easier to be happy with what you have, and can save you future stress.)
| Practical Advice for Nurturing Your Relationships Relationship experts offer insights and practical ways to apply Lyubomirsky’s three relationship-strengthening methods. 1) Set aside quality time: In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains that there are two kinds of quality time with another person—a meaningful conversation about what’s going on in your lives and time spent focusing on the same activity. You may not be interested in the same activities as your loved ones, but engaging in those activities with them anyway shows that you care more about spending time with them than your own enjoyment. 2) Express affection: According to Chapman (The 5 Love Languages), people understand and express affection in different ways—and they need to receive affection in their own “love language” to truly feel it. Therefore, learning and using your recipient’s love language will make your expressions of affection more impactful and heartfelt. He identifies five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. 3) Manage conflicts constructively: Experts suggest that you’re more likely to resolve conflicts if you analyze them. To perform this analysis, ask yourself what started the conflict, who you’re mad at, what goal you want to achieve that you’re not currently achieving, whether you’re overreacting, and what solutions there are for resolving this conflict. 4) Show genuine interest in others: Research clarifies how this strengthens relationships and makes you happy: At heart, we’re all narcissists and we want attention. Therefore, when someone pays us attention, we can’t help but revel in it. The easiest way to develop an interest in others is to actively look for people with whom you can effortlessly relate. Consider your innate interests and where you can find people with similar interests—and go there to strike up friendships. |
