Do you catch yourself thinking only about you while someone else is talking? How can you steer the conversation back to the other person?
We’re all at the center of our own worlds, and we naturally center ourselves in our thoughts and our conversations. David Brooks explains that by stepping back from your ego and how it wants you to see the world, you can make more room for other people.
Keep reading to learn how to stop thinking about yourself during conversations.
Learn to Center Others, Not Yourself
When learning how to stop thinking about yourself in social situations, a great place to start is in the conversations you have every day with others. We all love talking about ourselves, and we sometimes find it challenging to talk about someone else for a change. By learning to resist the tendency to turn the conversation back to yourself—like by telling a friend who’s having trouble with a colleague about your own struggles at work—you can do a better job of being present with them.
(Shortform note: A phenomenon called “main character syndrome” can help to explain why we find it difficult to center others in our thoughts and conversations. Many of us see ourselves as the protagonist in our life’s story. This affects how we interact with others: The tendency to see ourselves as the “main character” can come from insecurity and cause us to seek attention or validation. It’s difficult to empathize or truly listen to others if we’re too focused on our own narrative. But experts say practicing empathy, self-reflection, and authenticity can help us to balance a desire for attention with consideration for others. That strategy aligns with Brooks’s advice to make more room for other people in conversations.)
Another way Brooks recommends exercising care for others is to pay attention to social situations and to make them more comfortable and equitable for everyone. If there’s a major difference between you and another person—whether in political views or in the amount of power or access you have in a given context—it’s easy for you to make them feel misunderstood or excluded. Brooks advises working to put everyone on even footing so you can exchange ideas respectfully and authentically. For example, you might go into a meeting at work with more seniority than others in the room. But if you take the time to discuss everyone’s opinions, you’ll put your junior colleagues at ease and help them feel their voices are heard.
(Shortform note: Agreeing with Brooks’s focus on creating comfortable and equitable social situations, some experts offer concrete strategies for sharing your privilege and fostering inclusivity. Career adviser Gorick Ng (The Unspoken Rules) explains that those with privilege can level the playing field at work by facilitating introductions between colleagues and offering to mentor less-experienced team members. Ng also recommends making sure that your conversations are inclusive by giving everyone a chance to contribute, amplifying ideas from quieter people, and switching off less desirable tasks so everyone feels valued.)
