Are you a people pleaser who has to say “yes” to everything? When is the right time to say “no” to someone?
It’s important to carefully choose your commitments. To help you do so, Free to Focus by Michael Hyatt offers some advice on how to effectively (but politely) turn people down.
Check out how to say no to people in the nicest way possible, without giving in to people-pleasing habits.
Turning People Down
First of all, to say “no” to people, remember that your time and energy are finite, and decide who you’re willing to spend those limited resources on. These are most likely people such as your family, your boss, your friends, and so on. Making these distinctions helps you feel ready to protect your productivity by saying no if someone who isn’t on your list of important people tries to request your time and attention.
Second, recognize that you can (usually) reject a request without causing any serious resentment or hurt feelings. Hyatt says that you can do so simply by setting your refusal in the proper context. When turning someone down, it’s usually best to start by making it clear that you listened to their request and gave it due consideration. Next, clearly and firmly decline the request. Finally, offer an alternative solution if possible. Now the other person understands that you heard them out, and you do want to help, but their request just wasn’t feasible for you.
(Shortform note: In many cases, the fear of upsetting someone else by turning down a request is overblown. As psychologist Matthew Boland writes, most people will be understanding, rather than angry or disappointed. If saying no is something you find difficult to do, they may even be pleased that you’re taking care of yourself by putting your own needs first. Conversely, those who do get upset over being rejected were probably trying to manipulate or exploit you in some way—they’re only angry because they consider themselves more important than you, and they expected you to do the same.)
| What if Saying “No” Feels Impossible? Psychotherapist Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, writes that some people have a very hard time turning others down. People like this are commonly known as “people-pleasers,” and their fear of saying no usually comes from a lack of self-esteem. Such people feel the need to be accepted and liked because they get their sense of self-worth from other people. As a result, the thought of disappointing someone else—in this case, by telling them no—causes intense anxiety for the people-pleaser. In extreme cases, this can lead to burnout and self-destructive behavior because they continually place other people’s wants above their own needs. Morin recommends breaking out of people-pleasing habits by starting small. For instance: Say “no” to something relatively unimportant, like a project that you know someone else can handle, or a dinner date you don’t want to go to. Give your honest opinion about something simple, like a popular movie you didn’t care for. Stand up for something you believe in. While this is more consequential than the other options, you’ll likely find that having the “courage of your convictions” makes it easier to break through your anxiety. |
