Is violence preventable? What can we do to protect ourselves and others?
In The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker shares advice on how to prevent violence in various settings. He covers workplace safety, domestic abuse, stalking, youth violence, and attacks on public figures—offering tips for individuals and organizations to recognize warning signs and take proactive measures.
Read on to discover strategies that could help keep you and your loved ones safe.
Preventing & Responding to Violence
In his book, De Becker provides advice on how to prevent violence and how to respond to it. He shares strategies related to workplace violence, domestic violence, stalking, youth-related violence, and violence against public figures. Let’s take a look at the details.
Workplace Violence
De Becker writes that violence in the workplace—physical attacks that occur in a work setting—can be prevented. He argues that workplace violence often happens because companies lack proper hiring practices and overlook early warning signs of violent behavior. To prevent this type of violence, de Becker provides the following tips for companies.
1. Conduct background checks. Many companies fail to thoroughly research the backgrounds of the people they hire. To avoid employing potentially dangerous individuals, use background checks and verify the information that applicants provide during the hiring process.
| How to Conduct a Background Check When conducting a background check like de Becker recommends, you can either hire a professional service or do it yourself. If you choose to do it yourself, consider the following steps. 1. Know the law. Visit your state’s Department of Public Safety website to learn what employers can legally investigate. This ensures your background checks are lawful and ethical. 2. Create clear policies. Create a standard process for background checks to ensure fairness and consistency for all candidates. Consider using an online background check website to review public records. 3. Inform candidates. The Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA) requires that you tell applicants you’ll be conducting a background check, so get the candidate’s signed permission as part of your application process. |
2. Be responsive to warning signs. Companies must identify high-risk employees early and address their issues through counseling or termination. De Becker suggests that businesses create an environment where employees feel comfortable reporting concerning behavior.
(Shortform note: Many workplace safety experts recommend creating a safe reporting culture. They recommend you provide multiple ways for employees to report issues, such as online forms, email, phone, or in-person. The more options you give, the more likely people will be to speak up when they notice red flags. Creating a safe reporting culture allows companies to address problems early and take appropriate action to foster a safer work environment, like providing counseling or terminating the employee.)
Intimate Partner Homicides
De Becker shares insights on how to predict and prevent the most severe outcome of domestic violence: intimate partner homicide. He argues that most intimate partner homicides are predictable. He writes that these killings rarely occur during heated arguments. Instead, they frequently happen after the victim has left the relationship, often following long periods of stalking by the perpetrator.
(Shortform note: Statistics support de Becker’s claims about intimate partner homicides. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), nearly half of female homicide victims are killed by a current or former male intimate partner. The CDC also reports that about one in 10 victims of intimate partner homicides experienced some form of violence in the month before their deaths.)
De Becker argues that seeking refuge in a shelter can be safer than relying on restraining orders for protection. Going to a shelter makes you physically unavailable, allowing you to avoid potential danger, whereas restraining orders don’t provide you any real protection from violence. He notes that restraining orders can be useful in cases with no history of violent abuse. However, they can worsen situations in which the abuser has a strong emotional investment in the relationship: They can provoke more violence by angering the person whom the order is issued against. Restraining orders can also create a false sense of safety, causing you to let your guard down.
(Shortform note: While domestic violence shelters are valuable resources, experts in domestic violence argue that leaving an abusive relationship isn’t always the safest or most feasible immediate option, especially without a safety plan. They point out that leaving can sometimes increase the danger for victims, causing the abuser to become more violent and potentially leading to severe harm or even death. In fact, the US Department of Justice reports that 75% of homicide victims in abusive relationships had attempted to leave in the year prior to their death.)
Stalking
De Becker defines stalking as when someone repeatedly follows, contacts, or observes you against your wishes. He writes that if someone is stalking you, firmly tell them to stop and then cut off all contact. Don’t try to negotiate with them or explain your reasoning, as any form of contact—even telling someone you don’t want to hear from them anymore—can be seen as encouragement to keep reaching out to you. If you respond after promising to ignore the stalker, they’ll think their behavior is effective and continue to harass you.
If you’ve cut off contact and the stalker continues to harass you, de Becker advises you to avoid the temptation to confront them. Even asking someone else to confront the stalker or getting the police involved can escalate the situation, angering the stalker and causing them to harass you even more.
(Shortform note: After you’ve cut off contact, it may be helpful to track a stalker’s behavior in a stalking log. A detailed record of stalking incidents provides evidence and helps you remember specific events if you need to involve the legal system. Your stalking log should include details of each incident, like harassing calls, messages, or encounters. If you report these incidents, note down who you spoke to and their identification details.)
Youth Violence
De Becker writes that youth violence—which can include assault, murder, and even mass shootings—can be prevented. De Becker argues that there are numerous warning signs that might suggest a child’s inclination toward violence: an unusual attraction to weapons and brutal behavior, persistent anger, an obsession with media, and exposure to alcohol and drugs, to name a few. Often, youth at risk for violence are also missing important skills like self-motivation and emotional regulation.
Some people question whether violence in the media, like in video games and movies, could incite aggressive behavior in children. While the content of such media matters, de Becker argues that the real problem lies in the hours spent interacting with them, which often take away from valuable human connections. Real human connections help children develop empathy, communication skills, and emotional regulation. Without enough time spent interacting with others, children may never fully develop these skills.
(Shortform note: Other experts argue that violent media may not directly cause violence, but it can be a contributing factor. They acknowledge that consuming violent media won’t automatically make you violent, especially if you have a stable home life, good mental health, and a network of friends. But studies show that heavy exposure to media violence does increase aggressive thoughts, angry feelings, and aggressive behaviors while making people less empathetic and helpful. This suggests that while human connections are crucial, as de Becker suggests, the content of media children are exposed to also matters.)
Thus, to reduce youth violence, de Becker argues that parents, schools, and society as a whole must treat children with love and kindness and help them feel valued. He advocates instilling a sense of value, purpose, and empathy in them, as doing so makes them less likely to turn to violence.
| Developing Emotional Intelligence in Children In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman argues that early emotional education can prevent future problems, as children with poor emotional skills often struggle with anger, depression, and social isolation. Emotionally intelligent children typically have better relationships, academic performance, and overall health. What parents can do: Goleman says that the family is the first place children learn about emotions, which is why parents must take their child’s feelings seriously, use emotional moments as teaching opportunities, and offer positive ways to deal with emotions. He also urges parents to set a positive example by managing their own emotions well. What schools can do: While it may seem outside the scope of academics, cultivating emotional intelligence in the classroom is a worthwhile investment, says Goleman. He proposes integrating emotional skills into existing subjects rather than creating separate courses. For example, an English class could use stories to discuss empathy and self-awareness. Research shows that students receiving this type of education are more responsible, assertive, understanding, and better at resolving conflicts. They also score higher on standardized achievement tests. |
Public Figure Attacks
De Becker writes that some people are motivated to attack celebrities as a way to gain fame and recognition. These attackers usually lack healthy relationships and develop a strong sense of connection to their famous targets. They see attacking a celebrity as a way to link themselves to that celebrity’s fame.
(Shortform note: Cases of celebrity attackers highlight a darker side of parasocial relationships—one-sided connections that people form with celebrities or fictional characters they don’t actually know. While most of these relationships are harmless, some can become unhealthy or dangerous. The most extreme cases are borderline-pathological parasocial relationships. In these situations, people lose control over their thoughts, feelings, and sometimes actions regarding the celebrity. They may develop delusional beliefs, like thinking the celebrity would welcome them into their home or that dying for the celebrity is a noble act.)
De Becker points out that after a widely covered assassination, the danger of copycat attacks soars. This is because the media sensationalize the attacks, portraying the perpetrators as highly competent and dangerous and giving others the confidence that they, too, can successfully carry out an attack.
(Shortform note: This phenomenon is known as the contagion effect, and it doesn’t just apply to assassinations—it also affects suicide rates. When the media extensively covers a celebrity suicide, it can lead to an increase in suicide attempts among vulnerable people. This happens because detailed reporting on suicides can unintentionally glamorize or normalize the act, making it seem like a viable option to those who are already struggling. Like de Becker, suicide prevention experts have found that responsible reporting, which avoids sensationalizing details and includes helpline information, can help mitigate this effect.)
To deter more attacks, de Becker suggests removing the promise of fame or recognition, as these are significant motives for these crimes. This means the media should portray criminals in a less appealing light—for instance, by using less flattering nicknames instead of sensational nicknames or full names, which tend to glamorize or aggrandize the criminal. Additionally, instead of focusing on the criminal and giving them the attention they seek, the media should focus more on the personnel and strategies in place to prevent such attacks.
(Shortform note: The FBI agrees with de Becker, explaining that being mindful of the terms and language we use to describe attacks can help deter them. They suggest avoiding terms that project power and sensationalize violence like “active shooter” and “lone wolf.” Instead, they recommend using more neutral language like “incident” instead of “attack” or “offender” instead of “attacker.” The FBI also urges the media to avoid naming the criminals, showing their photos and videos, or doing detailed reporting on their lives and motivations.)
