When learning how to make your relationship strong and last longer, what should you focus on? How can you make your love last?
To make your relationship strong and last longer, you need to continue dating your partner long into the relationship, stay curious about them, and invest in their dreams. This will help you maintain an emotional connection and bond of trust.
Continue reading for more on how to strengthen your relationship.
How to Build a Relationship That Lasts
To build a mutually fulfilling and resilient relationship, you need to continue to work on and invest in your relationship. Here are several strategies and tools if you want to know how to make your relationship strong and last longer.
(Shortform note: Inherent in this discussion of how to make romantic relationships last is the assumption that people want to stay in long-term relationships. However, according to some experts, not all long-term relationships are healthy, and many people find themselves stuck in emotionally or physically abusive relationships. In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft defines abuse as controlling, angry, and violent behavior committed by someone against their partner. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence offers a comprehensive list of resources.)
Why You Should Continue to Date Your Partner
Never stop dating your partner, even after years of being together. Have at least one designated date night per week. This practice not only breaks the monotony of your daily routine but also ensures you prioritize spending time with and continuing to get to know your partner.
(Shortform note: A 2012 survey by the National Marriage Project revealed that couples who prioritized a weekly date night were about 3.5 times more likely to describe themselves as feeling “very happy” than couples who had less-than-weekly date nights. Studies suggest that date nights strengthen relationships by improving communication, introducing novelty, lowering stress, and increasing feelings of romantic attraction and commitment.)
As a practical tip, you can try the six-second kiss. You should kiss your partner for at least six seconds every time you separate or reconnect as a simple yet powerful way to maintain intimacy.
| Does The Six-Second Kiss Really Work? While no isolated study specifically validates the power of the six-second kiss, John Gottman’s research underlines the significance of positive interactions, showing that a ratio of more positive moments to negative ones predicts marital satisfaction. A six-second kiss is an example of a meaningful positive interaction that contributes to a healthy relationship dynamic. Also, physical affection, including kissing, triggers the release of oxytocin, known as the “love hormone,” fostering bonding and closeness. This physiological response supports the idea that practices like the six-second kiss increase emotional intimacy. Moreover, Gottman’s research highlights the importance of “rituals of connection”—intentional acts that maintain the relationship’s bond. The six-second kiss serves as a simple, effective ritual, providing a deliberate moment of connection amidst life’s busyness. |
Stay Curious About Your Partner
Complacency and taking your partner for granted are significant pitfalls in a long-term relationship. Instead, continually strive to understand your partner’s evolving thoughts, feelings, dreams, and perspectives. By staying curious, you demonstrate to your partner that you value them as an individual and are genuinely interested in their personal growth and experiences. This sustained curiosity can lead to a richer, more fulfilling relationship where both partners feel acknowledged and valued.
(Shortform note: One of the best ways to practice curiosity is through active listening. In Co-Active Coaching, the authors outline three levels of listening, the last of which is the most effective in building intimacy. Level 1, internal listening, is when the listener is focused on their own thoughts and feelings instead of being fully present or engaged with the speaker. Level 2, focused listening, is when the listener is fully present and engaged with the speaker, paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues. Level 3, the most effective level of listening, is global listening. At this level, the listener isn’t only listening to the words being spoken but also to the emotions, values, and intentions behind those words.)
Invest in Your Partner’s Dreams
A long-lasting relationship depends on both partners’ willingness to support and encourage their partner’s ambitions and aspirations. You can always offer words of encouragement and affirmation. There will also be times when you may need to take on more responsibility in your home life to allow your partner time to build a business plan, take an important meeting, or explore a new passion. And always take advantage of opportunities to celebrate your partner’s achievements, with a home-cooked meal, flowers, or a small celebration with family and friends.
This kind of emotional and practical investment demonstrates that you value and respect your partner’s individuality and personal growth. It also fosters a supportive and encouraging environment in the relationship, making your partner feel understood, appreciated, and loved.
(Shortform note: While some emphasize the importance of supporting your partner, Rollo Tomassi, author of The Rational Male, argues that your support of your partner should never come at the expense of your own aspirations. Rollo advocates for people to cultivate their own “mental point of origin,” which involves prioritizing their own needs and aspirations. Tomassi asserts that one can be supportive of a partner while still maintaining a focus on personal goals and self-improvement. He stresses that your identity shouldn’t be overly influenced or altered by your partner’s expectations or societal pressures to conform to certain relationship roles.)
Ultimately, when it comes to a relationship, all you can do is love, seek to understand, and continuously learn about your partner. This process will strengthen your connection with your partner, and as an added bonus, often leads to self-discovery and personal growth as well.
(Shortform note: In his seminal work I and Thou, philosopher Martin Buber contends that human existence is fundamentally relational, and it’s through relationships based on mutual openness, presence, and authenticity that we access deeper levels of being. Buber would argue that it’s through these “I-Thou” relationships that we transcend our isolated self, encountering not only the true essence of the other person but also discovering the unknown facets of our own selves, thereby fostering profound personal transformation and growth.)
Exercise: Rethink Conflict
Conflicts are a part of any long-term relationship, but the conflict matters less than how you handle it.
- Describe a conflict you’ve had recently that’s unresolved.
- What was your immediate emotional reaction to the conflict? Reflect on how this emotion might have influenced your actions or words during the conflict.
- The next time you’re in disagreement, what do you want to do differently (for example, take a break to de-escalate, start by asking questions, or validate their feelings)?
Exercise: Stay Curious
Staying curious about your partner is a key principle for maintaining a healthy, vibrant relationship. It involves consistently seeking to understand your partner’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, and evolving interests.
- Describe a recent moment or interaction involving your partner that caught your attention but perhaps you didn’t fully explore at the time. It could be a fleeting expression, an offhand remark, or an unusual behavior.
- Briefly note your initial thoughts or reactions to this moment. Did you make any assumptions or have any immediate feelings about what occurred?
- Now, with a mindset of curiosity, write down five questions that you could have asked to help you understand this moment better. Aim for open-ended questions that encourage in-depth answers, such as “What were you feeling when you said that?” or “What made you react in that way?”
