How to Initiate a Conversation by Leveraging Small Talk

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Better Small Talk" by Patrick King. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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Do you avoid making the first move to talk with someone? If so, what opportunities are you missing?

Social interaction specialist Patrick King argues that the oft-dreaded small talk is actually the best way to start a conversation that eventually can go in any direction and to any depth. He shares practical tips for approaching and engaging someone effectively and comfortably.

Continue reading to learn how to initiate a conversation and make a good first impression in the process.

How to Initiate a Conversation

King writes that we’re often afraid of making the first move because we feel we’re intruding. We lack the confidence to simply approach someone and introduce ourselves with the obvious intention of striking up a conversation. King’s first piece of advice on how to initiate a conversation is designed to help you get around this fear: Find an excuse to approach someone. This lets you feel that you have a good reason to talk to them and overrides your fear of annoying the other person.

(Shorform note: Another reason we might be hesitant to approach someone we don’t know is because of in-group bias. We tend to prefer being around people who are like us, and this preference might make us reluctant to reach out to someone who has different affiliations. When in-group bias is strong (you find yourself in a group that supports a sports team you despise, for instance) and you don’t even want to find an excuse to talk to them, think about how engaging with people from different groups will expand your horizons and make you a more tolerant individual. You might even think about how this will make the other person more tolerant so that you don’t allow yourself to back out because you worry you might annoy them.)

King notes that there are a few common “excuses” you can use to approach someone:

Ask a question (to which you might even already know the answer). This could be something like, “Do you know what time the class starts?” or “Have you found a good parking garage nearby?”
Ask about or note something you have in common. This might simply be the situation you find yourselves in. For instance, if you’re both at a yoga class, you might say, “I think I saw you here last week. How long have you been doing yoga?”
Make an observation the other person can respond to. This might be, “The teachers here are terrific,” or “The yoga mats are brand new.” In this case, the other person has no obligation to respond to your observation, so you don’t risk putting them out.

Excuses and Icebreakers: Two Ways to Get to Know Those Around You

The types of questions King recommends are sometimes referred to as icebreakers: questions you can ask others to encourage conversation and connection right away. Icebreakers differ from King’s questions in a few ways, however: Icebreakers are more institutionalized than King’s questions, and they’re often used in workplaces and during meetings (where people are expected to get to know each other and will feel less uncomfortable about being asked questions). They also tend to be more probing and to reveal more about someone in less time than King’s questions would. In this way, a single icebreaker question can likely create the same connection that asking all three of King’s questions would.

For instance, an icebreaker question might be, “If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?” This, in turn, will likely yield an answer that other people would also give, creating a sense of connection—in any meeting, there will invariably be several people who’d eat pizza for the rest of their lives. Those other people can then respond to that observation by chiming in with their opinion or feeling—which, in this case, might be the pizza topping they could eat for the rest of their lives.

Even if you start with a great question or observation, for small talk to be pleasant and easy-going, you must create a pleasant and easy-going atmosphere. People adjust to the tone you set in the conversation, so if you behave and speak playfully and with a sense of humor, the other person will likely feel that way, too, leading to better, easier conversational flow.

(Shortform note: Humor and playfulness are helpful in both new and old relationships. Some describe humor as a buffer that helps prevent friction between people and makes it easier to get over squabbles. If you can make a joke about your repeated disagreement over whose turn it is to pick up the kids or what movie to watch, those disagreements will probably be less unpleasant, for instance. Humor and playfulness also help you become closer to people you already know because fun and laughter increase your sense of intimacy. Consider if you can establish pleasant, fun atmospheres in existing relationships that tend to have a lot of conflict.)

How to Initiate a Conversation by Leveraging Small Talk