How to Find a Good Wife: Advice for Alphas

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Unplugged Alpha" by Richard Cooper. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

Like this article? Sign up for a free trial here.

Is getting married a good idea for men? What are some things you should look for in a potential wife?

According to Richard Cooper, men should steer clear of marriage, the primary reason being the high risk of divorce. However, if you do decide to get married despite this, he gives a few recommendations on how to find a good wife.

Here’s how to marry right if you do decide to proceed (although you shouldn’t), according to Cooper.

How to Marry Right

In his book The Unplugged Alpha, Richard Cooper strongly advises men against ever getting married. As Cooper points out, even if you do get married, you’re likely to get divorced. This is partly because the family law of many modern countries financially incentivizes women to divorce their partners: In fact, women are most likely to grow rich via divorce.

As Cooper notes, you may decide to get married despite his warnings. If so, he recommends that you do the following to ensure the best possible results.

First, choose the right woman. Cooper references The Tactical Guide to Women which states that she should be mature and stable and have clarity. Cooper adds that she should be good at handling stress, willing to change her name to yours—and thus demonstrate that she’s committed long-term—and earn a relatively similar income to yours so that you don’t have to pay as much in alimony in the event of a divorce.

How to Find a Good Wife: What Other Experts Say

What do other experts say about marrying the right woman? The Tactical Guide to Women elaborates on how to tell if a woman is mature, stable, and clear: She’s emotionally mature (handling stress well and taking full responsibility for her emotions), mentally stable (lacking mental health issues), and clearly address conflicts instead of skirting around the issue.

Other experts agree that an emotionally stable spouse is good because she’ll help you handle challenges. Additionally, they suggest that marrying someone with a similar income results in the happiest marriages, not because it makes divorce easier (as Cooper notes) but because both parties feel that they have an equal say in important decisions, like where to live.

However, contrary to Cooper, experts don’t suggest that she must be willing to change her last name to yours. If she’s at least willing to combine her name with yours, that would also demonstrate that she’s committed to you long-term.

Second, spend sufficient time with her. Cooper again references The Tactical Guide to Women, which explains that a woman who wants to get married might pretend to be someone she’s not in pursuit of her goal—so wait at least two years to get to know her well. Cooper adds that you must also cohabitate during this time to really know her; he recommends a minimum of six months.

(Shortform note: Relationship experts agree that waiting about two years before getting married is a good idea. However, this is not because your girlfriend might be putting on a facade—rather, within two years, you should face enough challenges together to understand whether you’re compatible. And if you cohabitate during this time, How to Not Die Alone author Ury recommends clarifying your expectations with your partner: If she sees cohabitation as a step toward engagement and you only see it as a test run, you both may face heartbreak.)

Finally, Cooper recommends that you do your legal homework. Prior to marriage, visit a divorce lawyer with your partner to understand the potential ramifications of divorce. Write a prenuptial agreement—and then write a post-nuptial agreement to maximize the chances of the prenup’s terms being honored in court. Finally, if you have children, live somewhere that splits custody by default to minimize the risk of never seeing your kids.

(Shortform note: If you live in the United States, what else can you do to minimize the potentially damaging effects of divorce? In addition to a divorce lawyer, consider meeting with a financial counselor to fully understand the financial risk you’re undertaking. When drafting a prenup, be honest about your financial situation—lying can invalidate the prenup. Know how your state views postnups: For example, New Jersey will only honor postnups that are “fair and just” both when they were signed and when the divorce occurs. And if you have children, pay attention to what your state defines as split custody so that you can see your children as often as possible: For example, the “shared custody” split in Texas is 75/25 instead of 50/50.)

How to Find a Good Wife: Advice for Alphas