Is it possible to build secure attachments with multiple romantic partners? How can you maintain emotional stability while nurturing several meaningful relationships?
Jessica Fern’s groundbreaking book Polysecure explores the foundations of healthy polyamorous relationships. She offers practical guidance for developing secure attachments with yourself and your partners while maintaining emotional balance in consensual non-monogamy.
Keep reading to learn how to feel secure in a poly relationship.
Security in a Poly Relationship
Fern argues that, for CNM relationships to work, you must become “polysecure,” which means achieving and maintaining secure attachments with multiple partners. She explains that based on the advanced frameworks of attachment theory, you can establish secure attachments with multiple people, just as a child can develop safe, loving, and caring connections with multiple caregivers. You can nurture these secure attachments with open communication, mutual trust, and respectful interactions with partners.
In her book, Fern shares advice on how to feel secure in a poly relationship: foster a secure attachment with yourself, confirm your and your partners’ desire for secure attachment, and act as a refuge and a foundation. She also provides some general tips for balancing multiple relationships. Let’s get into the details.
(Shortform note: Fern coined the term “polysecure,” and, while it’s gaining recognition, it hasn’t permeated mainstream polyamorous discussions. While some specialized workshops discuss the concept, “polysecure” is more commonly used among academics and psychologists focused on attachment and relational dynamics.
Foster a Secure Attachment With Yourself
First, Fern argues that one of the most important aspects of polysecure relationships is fostering secure attachment with yourself. This means developing a sense of self that doesn’t depend on the affection or attention of your partners. This internal foundation allows you to approach relationships with greater confidence and emotional stability. With this self-sufficiency, you can engage more confidently and authentically in relationships, without relying on others to meet your emotional needs.
(Shortform note: While Fern emphasizes the importance of emotional self-sufficiency, it’s equally crucial to consider the role of financial independence in cultivating healthy relationships. Financial autonomy allows you to engage in partnerships from a place of strength and choice, rather than dependency. This is especially true for women who historically have professional and economic barriers that limit their independence. Financial autonomy not only empowers women to make choices that align with their desires and needs but also shifts the balance of power within relationships, ensuring they are partners by choice, not by economic necessity.)
Fern says that to develop a secure attachment with yourself and approach relationships from a place of strength and wholeness, you should increase your self-awareness through mindfulness. This not only means practicing mindfulness in the present, paying attention to negative thought patterns or when you feel triggered, but also taking time to reflect past relationships and how they impacted you.
(Shortform note: Fern highlights the importance of mindfulness in developing a secure self-attachment, emphasizing awareness of mental patterns and the emotional impacts of past relationships. Building on this, Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed, argues that it’s crucial not only to understand but also to act on your own needs and desires. She advocates breaking free from societal norms that dictate your actions and feelings, urging you to follow your intuition toward authentic actions. By valuing your unique emotional experiences and personal journey, she argues, you cultivate self-awareness along with deep self-love and compassion—key elements for nurturing a healthy relationship with yourself.)
Confirm Your and Your Partners’ Desire for Secure Attachment
Next, Fern encourages you to confirm your and your partners’ mutual desire to cultivate secure attachment in your relationships. She explains that establishing this commitment is essential because it lays the groundwork for clear ongoing communication about the relationship’s depth, involvement level, and mutual expectations, which may shift over time. This step ensures that all parties are committed to actively nurturing a healthy and mutually beneficial connection.
(Shortform note: In addition to confirming your partners’ desire for secure attachment, it can also be helpful to spend time talking to them about their attachment style. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain understanding your partner’s attachment style can provide valuable insights into their behaviors and needs within a relationship. This knowledge allows partners to better support each other, communicate more effectively, and navigate conflicts more skillfully, ultimately contributing to a healthier and more satisfying partnership.)
Act as Refuge and Foundation
Finally, Fern explains that in polysecure relationships, all partners must act as both a refuge (referred to by Fern as a safe haven) and a foundation (described as a secure base) for each other.
To act as a refuge, you provide emotional support and comfort, making your partner feel valued and secure. For example, if one of your partners is going through a stressful period at work, you can actively listen to their concerns and offer reassurance. This supportive behavior allows them to feel emotionally stable and connected, knowing they can rely on you for solace during challenging times.
(Shortform note: In Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel explains that while people seek a refuge, or a sense of security, in relationships, we also yearn for excitement and novelty. This duality creates a delicate balance between our desire for stability and our craving for adventure. Perel explores how maintaining erotic vitality requires embracing the tension between closeness and distance, familiarity and mystery. She highlights that the challenge for partners lies in cultivating an environment where intimacy and passion can coexist, allowing relationships to flourish without compromising either the sense of security or the thrill of the unknown.)
To be an effective refuge, says Fern, practice being present by actively engaging with and being emotionally available to your partners. This includes practicing attentive listening, giving them your undivided attention during interactions, and minimizing distractions to foster a deeper connection. Pay attention to your partners’ words, tone, and body language, and acknowledge and validate their feelings to show you understand. You can also express appreciation for your partner by recognizing and naming the things you love about them.
(Shortform note: In Eight Dates, couples John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, argue that regular date nights are another way to build a sense of security in your relationship. They assert that these dedicated times for meaningful connection help to reinforce emotional bonds, enhance communication, and reignite romantic feelings. By prioritizing regular date nights, couples can create a sanctuary away from day-to-day stressors, allowing them to focus solely on each other. The authors offer eight themed date nights designed to address fundamental aspects of a thriving relationship, such as trust, conflict, sex, and adventure.)
As a foundation, you encourage your partners’ growth, exploration, and autonomy. For example, if a partner expresses interest in a new hobby, career opportunity, or new romantic partner, you can ask questions and encourage them, even if it means spending more time apart. By supporting their endeavors and celebrating their successes, you help them feel empowered and confident to explore the world and take risks, reinforcing their independence while still maintaining a strong emotional bond.
| Evolving Relationship Expectations Eli J. Finkel, author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage, explains that our expectations of relationships have evolved over time. He argues that in today’s society, partners seek what he calls a self-expressive marriage, where each partner helps the other achieve personal growth and self-fulfillment. This modern approach emphasizes mutual support and encouragement for individual aspirations, ensuring both partners feel fulfilled and motivated to grow both personally and together within the relationship. In a polyamorous context, each partner’s pursuit of personal growth and fulfillment can enrich the entire network of relationships. By encouraging each partner to achieve higher levels of self-discovery, self-esteem, and self-actualization, polyamorous connections can become deeply rewarding. The emphasis on mutual support and individual aspirations allows for dynamic and multifaceted relationships, where each person contributes to and benefits from the collective growth.This approach aligns well with the polyamorous ethos of open communication, mutual respect, and the pursuit of personal and relational fulfillment. |
Fern says that to maintain a secure foundation, partners should actively support each other’s personal and professional growth. This includes paying attention to and encouraging each other’s dreams and ambitions, engaging in discussions that foster intellectual and emotional growth, and recognizing each other’s potential. Being a compassionate critic when necessary and celebrating new ventures—even when they involve other relationships—are key.
(Shortform note: Being a secure foundation in a relationship involves focusing on your partner’s happiness rather than your own insecurities or jealousy. Compersion, often called the “opposite of jealousy,” is the joy felt when seeing your partner happy, even with someone else. Though it originated in the polyamorous community, compersion isn’t limited to non-monogamous relationships; monogamous individuals can also experience it through their partner’s achievements and friendships. Research suggests that experiencing compersion is linked to greater relationship satisfaction.)
A Note on Balancing Multiple Relationships
Fern says that balancing multiple relationships in polyamory can be deeply fulfilling, but it isn’t always easy. To practice CNM effectively, you need to understand your capacities and limitations: What’s your current commitment? What do you have time for? What are your priorities? What’s the extent of your emotional availability?
(Shortform note: Psychologists suggest that sustaining non-monogamous relationships often involves more effort than traditional marriages. People who thrive on social interaction, can love multiple individuals simultaneously, have a high sex drive, and are open to new experiences typically find greater satisfaction in polyamory. However, CNM requires navigating the evolving and complex needs of multiple partners, so maintaining balance and meeting the emotional and physical needs of more than one person demands significant dedication and adaptability.)
Fern’s advice is to be honest and realistic about how much you can invest in each relationship without compromising the quality of attachment in other relationships. Fern emphasizes there’s no universal approach to how many relationships you can sustain or a checklist to determine when you need to pause or end a relationship. Ultimately, the key lies in maintaining open communication with your partners and being attuned to your own needs, ensuring that each relationship is nurtured and valued without overextending yourself.
| How to Break Up Sometimes you may find that it’s necessary to end a relationship to maintain your overall well-being and balance among your commitments. Ending a relationship, whether in a monogamous or polyamorous context, is never easy, but doing so with care and consideration can make the process less painful for everyone involved. There are several steps you can take to facilitate a kinder breakup: Reflect on your decision and ensure your concerns have been communicated and addressed as a team effort. Choose a safe and private setting for the conversation, allowing your partner space to process their emotions. Be honest and straightforward about your reasons to avoid confusion and unnecessary hurt. Seek support from trusted friends and family to navigate emotional challenges, and avoid negative behaviors like stalking on social media. Focus on self-care and healing to move forward positively. |
Exercise: Practice Polysecurity
Fern argues that relationship security in polyamory involves both a protective refuge (provides comfort, safety, reliability) and a firm foundation (allows for personal growth and fulfillment). This reflective exercise helps you identify the actions and behaviors you need from a partner to feel secure and to help you grow.
- What do you need in a relationship to feel safe, comfortable, and secure? Think about the behaviors, actions, or practices in a relationship that give you a sense of refuge. For example, you may need consistent communication, reassurance during times of stress, a predictable routine, or regular expressions of love and affection. Write down five actions your partners can do to provide you with these feelings of security.
- Next, focus on what you require from a relationship to feel fulfilled and supported in your personal development. Again, consider specific behaviors, actions, or types of support you might need from your partners. For example, this could be encouraging your individual interests, providing constructive feedback, supporting your personal goals, or being open to new experiences that can contribute to your personal development. Write down five actions your partners can take to encourage your growth.
- Does your current relationship fulfill these needs? If not, choose one need that’s not being met. How would you communicate that need to your partner?
