How to Expand Your Network in Just 3 Steps

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Barking Up the Wrong Tree" by Eric Barker. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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What if socializing doesn’t come naturally to you? Is success really about who—not what—you know?

Not necessarily, according to peak performance expert Eric Barker. But, your relationships are essential, so you must expand and nurture your network. He shares three steps to cultivate professional connections: focus on building friendships, mentor and be mentored, and regularly thank the people in your life.

Keep reading to learn how to expand your network and make the connections stronger.

Expand Your Network

Barker explains that socializing doesn’t guarantee success because people comfortable with different levels of socialization are good at different things. For example, extroverts (people who are energized by socializing with others) tend to make more money, introverts (who are energized by being alone) are more likely to become experts in their fields, and ambiverts (who fall somewhere between extroverts and introverts) tend to make great salespeople. So as long as you know your own level of extroversion or introversion and choose positions that work with it, you can succeed in your chosen field.

How to Implement Barker’s Suggestions at Any Stage of Your Career

It’s easy to pick a position suited to your level of extroversion or introversion if you know what it is and you’re at the beginning of your career. But what if you’re not sure or you’re already committed to a career path? If you’re unsure of your level of extroversion or introversion, taking this quiz developed by organizational psychologist Adam Grant will help you find out.

Then, if you can’t change your career, consider ways in which you can adjust aspects of your work to suit your socialization style. For example, in Quiet, Susan Cain suggests that flexible work environments help both introverts and extroverts be productive by providing both social spaces for connection and quiet spaces for working alone. Similarly, in a hybrid work environment, an introvert might try to work more remote hours so that they can focus on building expertise, and an extrovert might work primarily in person so they can demonstrate their leadership skills and get a promotion. And an ambivert might adjust their workplace based on their energy levels and tasks—like by working alone to perfect their sales pitch but meeting a client in person.

However, Barker argues that for most of us, our network does matter. This is because most people aren’t introverts willing to spend most of their lives alone toiling in their chosen field. Rather, most people want to work in fields that require both intense solo work and maintaining good relationships—in other words, a good network. (Shortform note: Most people may not be so introverted that they’re willing to forgo relationships for their work, but introverts do make up a significant portion of humanity: Research suggests that 40% of the population are introverts, 40% are extroverts, and 20% of ambiverts.)

Good relationships are often essential to progress, Barker contends. To illustrate this, he describes how during World War II, Harvard University (which was working on jamming radar signals) and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (which was working on improving radar) developed advanced radar technology that helped the United States win the war because they were willing to work together. (Shortform note: Long after World War II, Harvard and MIT have continued to collaborate in ways that have benefited others: In 2012, the two institutions launched edX, a platform on which they shared their courses for free online.)

Barker offers three steps for expanding your network.

Step 1: Focus on Building Friendships

So, if your network does matter, how can you nurture it? The first step, according to Barker, is to reframe the term “networking” and focus on building friendships. We sometimes struggle to network because it feels insincere: This is because our brains didn’t evolve to create solely business relationships, so we don’t like doing it. However, we did evolve to make friends—and being friends with people is helpful because, as we’ve seen, the more people like you, the more they want to help you. So, when you meet people, try to become their friend. A simple way to do this is to look for things you have in common: Research demonstrates that we like people who are like us.

Why Building Friendships Is Still Hard

If you try to build friendships in order to expand your network, you may still feel like you’re being insincere or manipulative. Researchers suggest that networking makes us feel this way because we’re uncomfortable making connections to reach professional goals. However, we don’t mind making friends because we approach it with seemingly more noble aspirations, like finding support.

Moreover, even if you get past this ideological hurdle and meet someone with whom you share interests, it’s hard to make good friends as you get older. Anecdotal evidence suggests that this is due to several factors, such as difficulty finding time to meet and financial disparities that limit what you can do together. You’re also more likely to have a long-term partner, which often makes socializing even harder. Even if you have a lot in common with someone, if your spouse can’t relate to their spouse, it’s harder to hang out together.

Step 2: Mentor and Be Mentored

The second step to nurturing your network is to mentor and be mentored. Citing research that indicates that nearly all top performers have mentors, Barker suggests that, if you want to be a top performer, you must get a mentor, too. To find one, research the top performers in your field, occasionally reaching out with a well-thought-out question. Then, after implementing their advice, tell them how they’ve helped you and thank them. Finally, once you’ve progressed in your field, mentor your juniors. Being helpful to others ultimately comes back around: When the people you know become happier, you become happier too.

Why Women Struggle to Find Mentors—And How to Solve the Problem

In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg argues that women have particular trouble finding mentors. Sandberg posits that part of the reason for this is that women know that they need good mentors to succeed and so are more likely to try to force a mentor connection in uncomfortable ways, for instance by asking questions like, “Will you be my mentor?”

Sandberg’s advice to these women is similar to Barker’s: Ask insightful questions, maintain the relationship, and mentor others so that you pay it forward. However, there are some differences: Notably, she warns against getting stuck on the “mentor” label, explaining that it’s the relationship that’s important, not the formality of the setup. She also contends that mentors don’t have to be experts in your field: Career guidance can come from your subordinates and peers, too.

Step 3: Regularly Thank People

Finally, Barker recommends regularly thanking the people in your life. As we’ve discussed previously, you become like the people you spend time with—so it pays to have good people in your life. Research indicates that regularly thanking people is a cornerstone of maintaining the friendships you build with good people. If you can, visit the people who’ve affected your life positively and thank them in person. But if you can’t, sending them a message of thanks will still boost both your and their happiness and improve your relationships.

Why You Shouldn’t Expect Gratitude in Return

Don’t start expecting others to be thankful for your presence in their lives just because you’ve gone out of your way to express gratitude to them. In How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie explains that ingratitude is part of human nature, so expecting gratitude from others will only lead to your frequent disappointment. Rather, Carnegie recommends that you focus on the joy of giving without expecting anything in return.

That said, Carnegie also posits that by consistently and earnestly expressing gratitude, you’ll naturally cultivate a stronger sense of gratitude in others and show them how to meaningfully express it—so you may still eventually receive the gratitude you desire, which would boost your happiness and likely deepen your relationship.

Exercise: Thank the People That Matter

Now that you’ve learned how essential the people you know are to your life, plan how to thank someone who matters.

Consider your current life circumstances, and write down three things you’re happy about.
Review the answer above and name one person you could thank for each of those blessings in your life. For example, if you’re grateful for your spouse, you might name the person who introduced you.
Review the above list. Who do you want to thank the most and why? For example, you may want to thank the friend who introduced you to your spouse because you’ve had an especially hard time recently, and your spouse has been so helpful to you.
Plan one action you can take to thank this person within the next week. For example, if they live close by, you might schedule a coffee date. Alternatively, if they’re far away, you might look into flights or simply schedule a call.

How to Expand Your Network in Just 3 Steps