How to Deal With Loss: 3 Ways to Navigate Grief

Are you grieving a loss? How can understanding the science of grief help you heal?

In The Grieving Brain, psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor explores how to deal with loss through the lens of neuroscience and psychology. Her research reveals practical strategies for navigating grief while honoring your unique journey through loss.

Read more to understand how your brain processes grief and discover science-backed ways to move forward while keeping your memories close to heart.

Dealing With Loss

Though understanding how grief works neurologically and psychologically can be helpful, people often desire more concrete advice for how to deal with loss. O’Connor acknowledges that there are many limitations to grief advice: Even though everyone experiences grief, no one can provide a universal roadmap of how grief will feel to anyone else or how to handle it. She explains that, while she can share scientific knowledge about grief and her personal experiences, each person must find their own way through grief based on their values and beliefs. Just because your grieving doesn’t seem to mirror the path you think it should take doesn’t mean you’re grieving “wrong.”

(Shortform note: Because there’s no universal way to grieve, there’s also no universal way to support someone who’s grieving. However, experts offer some general tips: Avoid phrases that minimize or try to make light of their loss, such as trying to point out the positives of the situation or suggesting that everything happens for a reason. Also avoid telling them what their deceased loved one would want or claiming to know how they feel. Instead, you could share a fond story of the deceased with the grieving person or offer concrete support by bringing them meals or providing other help.)

Still, O’Conner offers some potential ways people can better navigate through what they’re feeling after a loss. These include living in the moment, connecting with others, and embracing grief as a type of learning.

#1: Live in the Moment

We’re often tempted to try to numb our feelings after a loss and avoid thinking about the present, as the grief can feel so overwhelming. While it may initially be unbearable to face reality, the present offers possibilities for healing and connection. O’Connor argues that attempting to avoid painful feelings by disconnecting from the moment also blocks positive experiences and learning opportunities. Instead of tuning out of what’s going on right now, she recommends that you try to be mindful in the moment and stay aware of your surroundings and the people around you.

This doesn’t mean you can’t spend time thinking about the past or the future. Choosing to engage with the present doesn’t mean forgetting the deceased, O’Connor explains. Rather, healthy grieving involves maintaining the ability to move between memories of the past and engagement with the present, without using either as a way to avoid the other. Remember your loved one, but also spend time thinking about the bonds you have now and the things you can look forward to. 

This may sound difficult, but according to O’Connor, doing it deliberately will help rewire your brain to make the grief easier to handle. Research shows that practicing awareness in the moment can strengthen connections between different brain networks, potentially helping with adaptation to loss. She emphasizes that while it’s natural for thoughts to wander to the deceased, developing the ability to return attention to the present is a skill that can be cultivated.

#2: Connect With Others

O’Connor also recommends connecting with others through your grief. Loss can make you feel profoundly alone, but everyone experiences grief, and understanding that can make it feel less lonely. She suggests that shifting your perspective to recognize our common human experiences can help you feel closer to others, even during intense grief. This connection can provide comfort and support during the grieving process.

(Shortform note: The Covid-19 pandemic made it difficult for many people to grieve normally, as the isolation caused by self-quarantining and sheltering in place prevented people from connecting with others. This loss of connection made many people feel alone in their grief, and the scale of death associated with the pandemic led them to feel that their grief wasn’t important or that they had no right to grieve. While the social restrictions of the pandemic have since lessened, the threat of the virus can still create these isolating feelings for grieving people. To deal with this, experts recommend acknowledging that times have changed (which will help you manage your expectations), focusing on self-care, and adapting grief rituals to be more remote.)

You can also work to cultivate bonds with new people. O’Connor acknowledges that it can be challenging to form new relationships after a loss: She explains that new relationships often trigger fresh grief and uses the concept of loss aversion to explain why new relationships might not feel as satisfying initially—psychologically, we view losses two times more intensely than gains, so a new relationship would have to feel twice as good as your relationship with your lost loved one in order to feel equally satisfying. She emphasizes that the goal isn’t to replace the deceased but to create new meaningful connections that are different but still fulfilling.

(Shortform note: While meeting new people after a loss can be daunting, experts offer some advice on how to make it easier: Listen to your own needs as you begin to branch out—if you’re not sure you’re up for a big outing, plan to leave early, or ask friends to spend time together in small groups instead of large ones. Additionally, consider activities that align with your interests, whether it’s a book club, a fitness class, volunteering, or something else. This can not only serve as a restoration-oriented practice (aligning with the dual process model), but may also help offset the feeling of loss as two times more intense than the gain of a new relationship, increasing the satisfaction you feel from the new connections formed in this way.)

#3: Embrace Grief as Learning

O’Connor asserts that grief is a form of learning, but one that’s particularly challenging. When someone dies, our brains must update countless predictions and habits that involved the deceased person—reworking our neural maps. We must learn that they no longer exist in the physical dimensions we expect and find new ways to maintain our bonds with them; we must also learn to stay grounded in the present while maintaining a transformed, dynamic relationship with the deceased that reflects our current self and the wisdom gained through grieving. Understanding this process can make it easier to undergo it.

O’Connor recommends taking on a growth mindset—the belief that you have the capacity to learn and improve—to help you develop a set of tools to get you through the grieving process. O’Conner explains that everyone can learn and grow through grief, regardless of their starting point or intellectual abilities. When you’re feeling stuck, she recommends seeking new strategies from others who have experienced and learned from their grief, while recognizing that each person’s journey is unique.

(Shortform note: Embracing grief as learning aligns with the theory of metacognition, which is the process of using your understanding of learning and of yourself as a learner to improve your cognition—essentially, thinking about your thinking makes learning easier. Research shows that metacognitive practices improve both learning and self-efficacy—so applying them to grief can not only help you grow more during the grieving process, but also make you feel more in control and capable of handling grief. To capitalize on this unique learning ability, consider engaging in metacognitive therapy, a method developed by psychologist Adrian Wells that’s proven to be effective in treating a range of mental health symptoms.)

Exercise: Understanding and Navigating Your Grief

O’Connor emphasizes that grief is not simply an emotional state to “get over,” but rather a complex learning process in which our brains must literally rewire themselves to accommodate a new reality. This exercise will help you reflect on how you experience grief and identify strategies that may help you navigate through it.

1. Think about the dual process model of grief, which involves oscillating between loss-oriented stressors (emotional responses) and restoration-oriented stressors (practical challenges). Which type of stressor do you tend to focus on more, and how might paying attention to both help you navigate your grief? For example, do you tend to spend all your time thinking about your lost loved one and avoiding activities that may help you adjust to their absence? Or do you distract yourself with new activities to avoid thinking about the loss?
2. Consider O’Connor’s discussion of different types of thinking in grief, such as reflection versus brooding. Describe a time when you caught yourself engaging in one of these thinking patterns. How did it affect your grieving process?
3. O’Connor suggests that living in the moment while maintaining connections with others can help us navigate grief. What is one specific way you could practice being more present in your daily life, and what is one way you could strengthen your connections with others during this time?
4. Reflecting on O’Connor’s description of grief as a learning process, what is one new understanding about grief that you’ve gained, and how might this understanding help you or others navigate through loss?