Have you ever felt powerless in a conversation? What if mastering the art of how to control a conversation was as simple as shifting your focus?
Kasia Urbaniak shares groundbreaking insights about power dynamics in her book Unbound. Her methods challenge traditional views of dominance and submission, revealing how the direction of your attention determines your ability to lead or follow in any interaction.
Continue reading for practical techniques that will help you navigate challenging conversations with confidence and authenticity.
The Importance of Focus in Conversations
Urbaniak suggests that the concepts of “dominance” and “submission” fluctuate based on the focus of an individual, instead of being static traits or reflective of one’s status in society. In her method, dominance involves shifting your attention to the people engaged in the exchange. By concentrating externally, you gain the ability to perceive the other individual, evaluate their reactions, and steer the dialogue. In contrast, submission entails deep introspection, genuinely engaging with your emotions and ambitions, and expressing them honestly. Effective communication relies on the significance of each condition.
Consider the scenario where you are initiating a conversation with your supervisor to request an advancement in your position. When you know how to control a conversation, you tailor your approach by carefully observing the reactions of those above you. Are they inclined to demonstrate openness? Doubting? Dismissive? You adjust the way you communicate and your strategies based on the feedback you receive. The desire for advancement, when acknowledged as legitimate and articulated with confidence, stems from a deep connection with that goal. Effective communicators frequently transition smoothly among various styles to match the demands of the situation.
Shortform Notes
- Urbaniak’s approach redefines traditional power dynamics by focusing on the fluidity of roles in communication, suggesting that power is not fixed but can be navigated through awareness and intentional focus.
- Dominance through attention involves active listening, which means fully concentrating, understanding, and responding to the speaker. This skill helps in gathering information and understanding the nuances of the conversation.
- Introspection involves a deep self-examination where individuals assess their own thoughts, feelings, and motivations. This process helps in understanding personal desires and how they align with broader goals, which is crucial for authentic communication.
- Understanding dominance and submission in communication can be linked to psychological theories, such as transactional analysis, which explores how different ego states (parent, adult, child) influence interactions.
- Effective communicators are skilled at interpreting both verbal and non-verbal cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions, to gauge the other person’s reactions and adjust their approach accordingly.
- The ability to transition between these states can be particularly useful in resolving conflicts, where understanding when to assert oneself and when to listen is key to finding a resolution.
Techniques for Keeping Attention Outward and Avoiding Self-Focus
Urbaniak highlights that societal norms often lead women to focus their attention more on their internal experiences. From a young age, we learn to place the desires and needs of others before our own, leading us to constantly seek ways to meet and adjust to their demands. Focusing on oneself often leads to self-doubt and reduced confidence regarding our personal goals and dreams. To overcome this, the author offers several techniques.
A method described as “Shifting the Focus” is employed. Should you start feeling swamped or uncertain, inquire something of the person you’re engaging in dialogue with. Shifting attention outward is a method to regain composure and reestablish tranquility. When faced with an intrusive question like “When are you having kids?” instead of replying straightforwardly, shift the focus back to the questioner by asking what prompted their curiosity, whether they are aware of the personal nature of their question, or if it’s typical for them to probe into private matters. This approach skillfully sidesteps the initial inquiry, positioning you advantageously by encouraging the other individual to assume a defensive position.
Urbaniak introduces a technique known as “The Jason,” which is named in honor of a volunteer instrumental to its development. To keep your attention on another person, it’s crucial to steer your outward focus through a continuous inquiry. By refining this technique, you bolster your capacity to curb the tendency to retreat, amplify your assertiveness, and sharpen your focus on the counterpart, thus guiding the conversation and shaping the exchange.
Practical Tips
- You can start a reflective journal to explore how societal norms influence your personal decisions. Each day, write down instances where you feel societal expectations may have guided your choices, especially focusing on moments where you prioritized internal experiences over external actions. This practice can help you become more aware of these influences and consider how you might want to respond differently in the future.
- Implement a “five-minute favor” routine, dedicating a small portion of your day to helping someone else with their goals. This practice can help you build a sense of community and purpose, which can counterbalance excessive self-focus and foster a more balanced view of your own goals in the context of helping others.
- You can enhance your listening skills by practicing active listening during casual conversations with friends or family, focusing on asking follow-up questions that delve deeper into their thoughts and experiences. For example, if a friend mentions enjoying a new hobby, ask what specifically about the hobby excites them and how they discovered it, which encourages a more meaningful dialogue and helps you practice shifting the focus away from yourself.
- Schedule short “tranquility breaks” throughout your day using a smartphone app or a timer. During these breaks, practice a brief mindfulness or deep breathing exercise to reset your stress levels. This habit can help you maintain a baseline of tranquility, making it easier to return to after disruptions.
- Use a journal to reflect on past conversations where you felt uncomfortable with personal questions. Write down what was asked and brainstorm creative ways to steer those conversations differently. This reflection will prepare you mentally for future interactions. For instance, if someone asked about your living situation, think about how you could have redirected the question to discuss the local real estate market trends instead.
- Use social media constructively by creating a dedicated account or page where you share a daily post asking a thought-provoking question about current events, human behavior, or nature. Engage with the responses you receive to maintain an outward focus and learn from diverse viewpoints.
- Try recording your side of a phone conversation and listen back to identify moments where you could have been more assertive or focused. Listening to yourself can reveal patterns in your speech or attention that you might not notice in the moment. For instance, you might find that you tend to give long-winded answers instead of being concise, which can dilute your assertiveness.
