Is it hard for you to connect with others? Do you wish you were more charismatic and likable?
How to Become a People Magnet, a book by Marc Reklau, offers practical advice on improving your social skills. Reklau covers making great first impressions, building relationships, and persuading others. His tips are based on understanding people’s self-interest and using that knowledge to your advantage.
Keep reading to discover simple strategies that can transform your social interactions and help you become a true people magnet.
How to Become a People Magnet Book Overview
Personal charisma and likeability are important for many different areas of life, from career success to navigating family and relationships. And at times, it can feel like you’re either born with it or without it—but this isn’t true. In reality, charisma is a skill like any other. How to Become a People Magnet, a book by motivational speaker and life coach Marc Reklau, explains how you can improve your charisma and social abilities through various tips and tricks. His advice is based on one main principle: People are mainly interested in themselves and what they can get from you. If you keep this in mind and tailor your conversations around it, you’ll start getting along better with others.
(Shortform note: Psychologist Daniel Goleman (Emotional Intelligence) believes the key to successful socialization is broader than appealing to self-interest. He argues that good relationships come from understanding and managing other people’s emotions. This not only allows you to cater to people’s self-interest but also means you can empathize with others and adopt the appropriate behaviors and routines of the social group you want to join. For example, when you start a new job you need to learn how the office functions and the quirks and personality traits of your coworkers. This teaches you how to do what’s expected of you while not stepping on anyone’s toes—in other words, how to manage your coworkers’ emotions.)
Ruklau’s strategies cover three important kinds of social interactions:
- Making a good first impression
- Getting along with others
- Persuading people to do what you want
Part 1: Making a Good First Impression
The first essential part of any social interaction is making a good first impression—charming people so they want to get to know you better. Reklau explains that first impressions are all about making the other person feel good to ensure they enjoy talking to you. If you make someone feel good, they’ll have an incentive to get to know you.
Reklau suggests you make people feel good by focusing on them and staying optimistic and upbeat.
Focusing on Others
During a first impression, Reklau explains, you should center the conversation around whoever you’re speaking to. People love talking about themselves, so if you focus on them they’ll love talking to you too. Reklau offers two ways to keep the conversation focused on others: learn their interests and agree with them.
Learn Their Interests
If you’re starting a conversation with someone new, the simplest way to focus the conversation on them is to ask them about their interests. This guarantees your topic will not only be something the other person likes but also something they know a lot about—both of which help keep a conversation going strong. Reklau suggests that if you know who you’re going to meet, you can even take some time to research their interests by asking mutual friends or checking social media. Then you’ll have a good idea of what to talk about when you meet.
Agree With Them
Reklau says you can also keep the conversation focused on the other person by agreeing with what they tell you. Agreeing with others reduces the chances of conflict and also makes them feel more connected to you. You should also show your agreement while they’re talking to you—nod your head, say “yes,” or “um-hum,” and offer simple comments of agreement like “I know what you mean,” or “totally.” Reklau says you can also signal “agreement” by mirroring someone else’s body language to subconsciously signal you’re on the same page as them.
Stay Optimistic and Upbeat
You can also make a good first impression and ensure people enjoy talking to you by remaining optimistic and upbeat, Reklau explains. This signals to others that you’re someone worth talking to and getting to know. In addition, positivity is contagious, so if you seem like you’re enjoying yourself, others are more likely to as well. To present yourself positively, approach conversations with friendliness and enthusiasm. Always have a smile on your face and participate eagerly. When you talk about yourself or what you do, do so with pride and confidence—if people see that you like yourself, they’ll want to like you too.
Part 2: Getting Along With Others
Social success is about more than just making good first impressions, however. It also requires you to get along with the people around you. If you charm everyone initially but don’t put time and effort into maintaining your existing relationships, people won’t want to be around you for long.
Reklau offers two main strategies for getting along with others: Show appreciation and respect and avoid conflict.
Strategy #1: Show Appreciation and Respect
An important part of getting along with others is consistently showing that you appreciate and respect them. This makes people feel good about themselves, which they’ll associate with being around you.
Reklau offers three methods to show appreciation or respect:
1) Give Compliments
The first method Reklau describes is offering honest and specific compliments. When a compliment feels honest, people will take your appreciation more seriously. When a compliment is specific, it makes people feel like you respected them enough to pay close attention to them. If you’re not sure what to specifically compliment someone about, Reklau suggests telling people what they want to hear. For example, if someone is worried they’ll come across as boring during a work presentation, compliment them afterward on how passionate they were. This will make them feel good about themselves and give them a reason to want to be around you more.
2) Actively Listen
Second, Reklau says you should carefully and actively listen to others. This shows people that you appreciate and respect their input and what they have to say. Active listening requires you to give your conversation partner your full attention. Look at them while they speak and don’t think about other things—mentally rehearsing what you’ll say next, for instance. You should also show you’re engaged by leaning forward and nodding, agreeing, or asking questions when appropriate.
3) Support Words With Actions
Finally, Reklau says you should also back up what you say with actions. If you tell people you appreciate and respect them but don’t act like it, people will start to take you less seriously. But if you back up what you say, people will trust you more and therefore appreciate you and your company more. Supporting words with actions can be as simple as not being late—showing you respect the other person’s time—or sticking to your word and following through on promises.
Strategy #2: Avoid Conflict
Reklau explains that to maintain a good relationship with others, you should try to avoid any kind of conflict. Conflict is a lose-lose situation—even if you get what you want, you still make the other person feel bad and damage your relationship. He offers three methods for avoiding conflict: don’t take offense easily, don’t try to change others, and make sure any criticism you give is constructive.
1) Don’t Take Offense
To avoid conflict, Reklau suggests you don’t take offense to what other people say and do. When you treat their words and actions as personal attacks, you’re more likely to get hurt and become confrontational. Instead of assuming people are trying to judge or insult you, ask them what they mean. If they’re offering constructive criticism, you can learn a lot by listening and being open to it. And if someone is judging or insulting you, tell yourself that it’s their problem and that getting into an argument won’t help anything. You should remain positive even if someone is being mean and be willing to forgive them—getting mad and holding grudges wastes time and energy.
For example, Tim tells Amy that she’s “a very tough person.” Instead of assuming Tim is calling her mean and harsh, Amy asks him what he means. Tim says he meant that she’s determined and strong even during hard times. By not taking offense right away to Tim’s comment, Amy avoided potential conflict.
2) Don’t Try to Change Others
You can also avoid conflict by not trying to change the opinions and behaviors of others, explains Reklau. People are usually set in their ways and tend to get more stubborn and defensive when challenged. Because of this, trying to change others is usually an unproductive source of tension. Reklau recommends you avoid the urge to change others by focusing on people’s strengths instead of their faults. When you pay more attention to what you like about someone, you’ll want to change them less.
3) Give Constructive Criticism
Reklau recommends that you avoid criticizing others as much as possible since you can’t change others and should avoid potential conflicts. But if you do need to offer criticism, he suggests framing it positively and constructively. This makes people feel less judged or personally attacked, leading to fewer conflicts. For example, you offer praise before and after your criticism to soften it with positivity, and ask the other person for potential solutions so they feel like you’re working together to constructively address the problem.
Part 3: Persuading People
The last social skill Reklau discusses is the art of persuasion. Because people are self-interested, persuasion means making them want what you want. Reklau offers three methods for doing so: leading people to your idea, appealing to authority, and focusing on yeses. Let’s look at each of the strategies in more detail.
Method #1: Lead People to Your Idea
Reklau suggests that people don’t like feeling forced or pressured into doing something. So instead of using direct demands, try to lead someone to come up with your idea through questioning or brainstorming. When they feel like they came up with it, they’ll be more likely to want it. For example, Anne wants to go to Atlantic City with her friends for the weekend. But instead of demanding they go, she offers the suggestion early to get the idea in their heads. Then when she asks them where they want to go later on, they’re more likely to suggest it as their own idea.
Method #2: Appeal to Authority
Reklau explains that you can quote or reference important people to convince the other person you’re right. This connects your idea to that person’s authority and makes it seem like the idea isn’t coming directly from you—making people feel less like you’re forcing your idea on them. For example, in our previous scenario Anne might point out the many positive online reviews of places in Atlantic City during her vacation negotiations. This allows her to appeal to a third party with more weight—the large number of people who wrote positive reviews.
Method #3: Focus on Yeses
Reklau says that if you focus on “yeses,” people will tend to be more agreeable to your idea. To do this, ask someone multiple questions you know they’ll say yes to before you pitch your idea, so they’re more used to saying yes to you. For example, Anne might start pitching activities she knows her friends like so they start saying “yes” before she mentions Atlantic City.You can also try offering “this or that” choices so they can’t say no and have to focus on yeses. For example, instead of asking if her friends want to go to Atlantic City or not, Anne might offer them choices between various places they could go in Atlantic City.
Exercise: Improve Your Social Skills
Apply Reklau’s advice to your relationships.
- Consider an upcoming social event. Who will be there that you want to meet or get to know better? What are some of their interests you can talk to them about? If you don’t know them, try to do a little research beforehand through social media or asking mutual friends.
- Think of an existing relationship you have that you want to strengthen. How can you show respect and appreciation for that person and what they do?
- Look back on a conflict you had recently with someone. Could you have avoided this conflict by using a piece of Reklau’s advice (not taking offense, not trying to change others, or providing constructive criticism)? How so?
