How to Be a Better Spouse: Keep an Open Mind

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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Do you want to be a better husband or wife? What’s the key to being a more loving, more attentive, and overall better spouse?

Being a good spouse is a matter of keeping an open mind. When you keep an open mind, you stay receptive to your partner’s requests and concerns instead of making decisions unilaterally.

With this in mind, here are some tips on how to be a better spouse.

Keep an Open Mind

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver emphasize that learning to be receptive is especially important for husbands for two reasons. First, studies indicate that if a man isn’t receptive to his wife, the couple is far more likely to divorce. Gottman and Silver attribute this reality to how unreceptive men respond to negative feedback: Instead of acknowledging their wife’s feelings, they respond in ways that increase negative feelings between the couple.

(Shortform note: Learning to be receptive to their partners may be more important for straight men than for gay men. A 12-year study Gottman published in 2003 found that homosexual couples were generally better at receptively responding to their partner’s requests and concerns. Gottman speculated that this difference stems partly from homosexual couples’ greater effort to be equal in their relationship, and it’s partly because a gender imbalance doesn’t exist in gay relationships. However, the study doesn’t address how greater receptivity affects homosexual couples’ divorce rates, as it was published prior to the 2015 federal legalization of same-sex marriage in the United States.)

Second, Gottman and Silver suggest that receptive husbands have happier marriages because they learn from their wives how to better manage their emotions. Since young girls worldwide tend to play games that highlight emotional and social skills, women tend to be better than their husbands at managing emotions. So a husband who’s receptive to learning from his wife in general will likely also learn how to manage his emotions—which improves his relationship skills and thus his marriage.

(Shortform note: Other experts suggest that men tend to be worse at managing emotions because they’re socialized differently. One Swedish study found that kids who studied in a gender-neutral classroom (as opposed to one where, for example, the teachers used gendered language) were more likely to play games with children of different genders, which implies that the boys were more likely to play games that highlighted emotional and social skills. Additionally, experts suggest that men who learn to better manage their emotions may experience far-reaching benefits that go beyond improved relationship skills, such as greater physical and mental health.)

If you’re a man who struggles to keep an open mind, Gottman and Silver suggest two strategies for learning how to be a better spouse. First, remind yourself that sometimes, giving in will get you what you want. Second, if you can’t give in all the way to your wife’s request, look for places where you can bend to what your wife wants.

For example, your wife may hate when you wear shoes in the house because they dirty the floors. In this case, you might decide that although you’d prefer to wear shoes inside, you don’t care that much—and so your wife’s happiness is worth the minor hassle of taking your shoes off inside. Alternatively, if you do care about wearing shoes inside, you might accept that vacuuming dirt out of the carpet is a major hassle, so you agree not to wear shoes on the carpet (but continue to wear shoes on non-carpeted surfaces).

(Shortform note: If you’re unreceptive to your wife’s opinions, you may be in a “win-lose” mindset: For you to win, your wife must lose, and vice versa. However, compromising and occasionally giving in for the greater good of your relationship suggests a “win-win” mindset, where both people can win. Cultivating a win-win mindset may also be good for your work relationships. In First Things First, Stephen Covey suggests that to reach your goals in our interdependent world, you must accept that winning doesn’t necessitate that someone else lose; rather, winning means accomplishing your goals, and you can accomplish more if you cooperate rather than compete.)

How to Be a Better Spouse: Keep an Open Mind