This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Good Life" by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Do you have a “secure base” relationship? Do you share everything with your partner?
Even if a relationship is going well, there’s always room for improvement. Rather than pointing the finger outward, consider what you can do. Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz share some practical tips in their book The Good Life.
Keep reading to learn their advice on how to be a better partner in a relationship that you can put into practice starting today.
Your Relationship With Your Partner
Waldinger and Schulz assert that a positive and long-lasting relationship with a romantic partner can provide comfort to your life. Psychologists have found that adults who feel like they have a “secure base”—someone they can rely on for comfort and support no matter what—recover faster from stressful situations. So, it’s important to understand how to be a better partner in a relationship so you can do your part.
| Not All Romantic Relationships Are Created Equal Just because you have a romantic partner doesn’t mean that they’re your secure base. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain that people relate to intimacy in three ways: Secure attachers are comfortable with intimacy, avoidant attachers prefer to maintain some emotional distance from their partners, and anxious attachers desire a lot of intimacy and are highly attuned to any threats to that intimacy. Secure attachers tend to have healthy relationships—the kind that provides a protective effect from both physically and mentally challenging situations. However, when anxious and avoidant attachers date each other, their clashing intimacy needs often lead to a relationship in which one partner is regularly stressed out and so feels insecure and unhappy. |
Waldinger and Schulz name several techniques for improving your relationship with your partner. First, pay attention to and thank your partner for the little things they do. Doing so will improve your impression of them (because you’re paying attention to their positive qualities) and your partner’s mood (because they’ll be happy you noticed).
Second, try new things together. You’ll see your partner in a new light, which will increase your admiration of them.
| Other Ways to Improve Your Relationship Researchers provide further tips on how to express gratitude and try new things with your partner to improve your relationship. When expressing gratitude, emphasize how your partner has added to your life. One study suggests that this improves how positively your partner feels about you and your relationship—however, acknowledging what your partner gave up for you doesn’t have the same effect. For example, your partner will feel more appreciated if you say, “Thanks for walking with me; I love your company,” rather than, “Thanks for walking with me even though you’d rather play video games.” Additionally, when trying new things with your partner, try learning something together. Your relationship grows stronger when you support each other through the mutual vulnerability that stems from not knowing what you’re doing. |
Third, practice sharing all parts of yourself with your partner—even those you’re afraid to. Waldinger and Schulz explain that, in times of conflict, you may be tempted to hide your true feelings from your partner in an effort to protect yourself or to stop fighting. However, the authors assert that it’s better to lean into your vulnerability. When both partners share their true selves with each other, their connection deepens.
(Shortform note: In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver suggest that if you struggle to share your true feelings with your partner when you’re fighting, you may be experiencing flooding. Flooding is a psychological phenomenon in which one partner feels so emotionally stressed that they’re unable to respond rationally to their spouse. If you’re feeling flooded—which can manifest as a desire to shut your partner out because you’re feeling overwhelmed—ask for a 20-minute break. Once you’ve calmed down, you’ll be more willing to be vulnerable and more able to have a productive discussion.)
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Here's what you'll find in our full The Good Life summary:
- That the key to a good life has nothing to do with your career or success
- How to evaluate the current quality of your relationships
- How to improve relationships with your friends, partner, family, and coworkers
