Ever wondered how to captivate a room with your presence? What makes someone truly charismatic?
The art of charisma involves both verbal and nonverbal cues. From choosing your words carefully to using body language effectively, there are numerous techniques you can employ to enhance your charm in both personal and professional settings.
Learn how to appear charismatic by using these techniques presented in the book Cues by Vanessa Van Edwards.
How to Appear Charismatic
Van Edwards’s advice on how to appear charismatic entails several verbal and nonverbal cues. In every case, she recommends that you adopt only the cues that feel natural to you. If you fake a cue, others will detect the artifice and distrust you, damaging your charisma. (Shortform note: Studies suggest that people can detect artificial cues because authentic physical expression is made up of automatic muscle movements. If you adopt a cue that doesn’t feel natural, you may fail to replicate all its nuances, and others may notice. This is why actors who want to give a convincing performance try to feel their characters’ emotions.)
Charismatic Verbal Cues
Verbal cues are cues conveyed through speech or text. They include word choice cues (your vocabulary and punctuation choices) and vocal cues (techniques that make your spoken voice sound more charismatic).
#1: Choose your words carefully. Van Edwards explains that the words you use carry both surface-level and hidden information. For example, “teaming up” and “working jointly” on a project have a similar surface meaning, but the former sounds warmer than the latter. To maximize your charisma, use a blend of warm and competent words.
#2: Consider your emoji and punctuation use. Van Edwards says that, in text and email, emojis and exclamation points signal warmth. She refers readers to Science of People’s emoji guide, where she explains when (and when not) to use 45 different emojis.
#3: Imitate others’ word choice. Van Edwards says, if you subtly imitate someone’s word choice, they’ll feel validated, which improves your rapport with them. If they greet you in a certain way, return the same greeting. If they use warm words like “love” or “encourage,” use the same or similar words in your response. When communicating over text, you can even mimic their punctuation style.
(Shortform note: Imitating others’ word choice is part of linguistic convergence, a phenomenon that also covers other aspects of language use, like how you pronounce words. Experts say we’re naturally inclined toward linguistic convergence because it helps us form stronger social bonds with those around us. This can have powerful effects: For example, lawyers who use language that resonates with judges are more likely to win their cases.)
#4: Use charismatic language at the start and end of professional gatherings. Van Edwards explains that using charismatic language (which signals both warmth and competence) at the start and finish of professional gatherings can inspire higher productivity and engagement. Here’s a pop culture example: On the TV show Grey’s Anatomy, charismatic surgeon Derek Shepherd often begins surgeries with the phrase, “It’s a beautiful day to save lives.” The “beautiful day” portion conveys warmth, while “save lives” conveys competence.
(Shortform note: In The Art of Community, leadership consultant Charles Vogl gives similar advice for community gatherings: To create a better, more engaging experience for participants, community leaders can start and end gatherings with a few words that drive home how meaningful the gathering is. If you’re a leader, you can combine this advice with Van Edwards’s advice to choose charismatic language—for example, you might begin and end a meeting by sharing your excitement about the gathering’s potential and emphasizing how much you value each member’s contributions. Note also that, according to Vogl, this approach to gatherings works for all kinds of communities, not just professional ones—you could use it at your chess club, for instance.)
#5: Use “touchy” language when you’re not face-to-face. It can be difficult to signal warmth during remote communication. Van Edwards says telling others you wish you could touch them with phrases like “Virtual first bump!” or “Sending you a kiss!” can make you seem warm.
#6: Speak with feeling. Many people mistakenly believe that speaking with feeling—that is, letting your emotions shine through your speech—undermines your credibility. Van Edwards explains that the opposite is true: When you speak with feeling, your voice changes in subtle, momentary ways. These changes communicate authenticity, which makes listeners more likely to engage with the ideas you’re sharing.
#7: Convey your interest when others are speaking. Van Edwards says you can use two types of vocal cues when others are speaking to show them you’re engaged: interjections (for example, “That’s wild!” as someone tells a fascinating story) and affirmative sounds (like “huh!” in response to something that surprises you). You can also imitate the interjections and affirmative sounds others use in conversation with you to build rapport.
#8: Drop your voice’s pitch as low as you can comfortably go. The deeper your voice, the more confident you’ll seem. Van Edwards stresses that comfort is key here—if you drop your pitch too low, it may be hard to speak consistently and others might perceive you as inauthentic.
#9: Project your voice. Breathe in deeply, then speak loudly as you exhale (but not before you exhale, or you’ll run out of breath before you finish speaking). Van Edwards explains that this will help you avoid speaking too quietly or with vocal fry (a gravelly voice quality), two vocal cues that signal a lack of self-confidence.
#10: Vary your volume to match the content of your speech. Van Edwards suggests that this approach signals that your emotions and ideas are aligned, creating higher confidence in your claims. Raise your volume to emphasize your passion. Lower your volume to create the sense that you’re including your listeners in something private and important.
#11: Pause instead of using filler words. It’s common to use filler words like “um” and “so” to buy time when you’re not sure what to say next and don’t want listeners to mistakenly think you’re done talking. However, Van Edwards says that filler words signal low confidence in the content of your speech, which encourages others to interrupt you. She recommends that you replace filler words with pauses, but only in the middle of a sentence, not at the end. Pausing mid-sentence creates a sense of anticipation that draws listeners in, while pausing at the end suggests that you’re done speaking.
Charismatic Nonverbal Cues
Now that we’ve covered verbal cues, let’s explore the nonverbal cues Van Edwards describes. We’ll start with behavioral cues (body language, facial expressions, and other physical techniques) that project warmth, competence, and overall charisma (both warmth and competence). Then, we’ll discuss personal branding (visual cues that can evoke charismatic associations).
#1: Smile often, slowly, and genuinely. Van Edwards explains that genuine smiling is one of the most effective ways to project warmth. They’re also contagious—when you smile at someone, they’re likely to smile back at you, which facilitates social bonding. Smiling slowly can signal true delight and inspire laughter, another contagious warmth cue that strengthens your connection with someone. However, you should only smile genuinely—Van Edwards warns that artificial smiles don’t help you seem warmer, since it can be easy for others to tell they’re disingenuous.
#2: Nod to be supportive. Van Edwards explains that when you nod in response to someone’s speech, you support the speaker in two ways: First, your nod signals understanding and agreement. This is especially valuable when the speaker is sharing something vulnerable, like a difficult life experience, and needs validation to continue sharing. Second, if there are others around you, nodding can amplify the speaker’s credibility—by making it clear that you agree with the speaker, you increase the likelihood that others will, too. Both of these effects make you seem warmer and encourage the speaker to keep talking.
#3: Raise your eyebrows to signal engagement. In a conversation, raising your eyebrows signals a desire to know more about the conversation or your conversation partner. Van Edwards also says raising your eyebrows to someone you’re not talking with signals a desire to initiate conversation. But she warns against raising your eyebrows too often, as this can make you seem bewildered.
#4: Respectfully touch others. When you touch someone, both your bodies produce a hormone called oxytocin that strengthens social bonds. Van Edwards says touching will improve your connection with others in all sorts of relationships, from business to romance. However, she warns that who, how, and when to touch is culturally determined. In Western cultures, it’s usually appropriate to touch those you’re not close to on the hands and forearms, while touching the upper arms, back, and cheeks is reserved for friends and family. Van Edwards also says you shouldn’t pat someone’s head (it’s condescending) or touch anyone who seems uncomfortable.
#5: Tilt your head in photos and in conversation. Van Edwards explains that tilting your head can indicate that you’re approachable—the gesture makes you physically vulnerable since it exposes your neck, which makes others perceive you as non-threatening. This is why many people naturally tilt their heads when posing for a photo. Tilting your head at someone you’re talking with can also indicate that you’re engaged, since it puts one ear closer to them (a sign that you’re listening carefully to what they’re saying). When you seem safe and engaged, you project a friendlier image. However, note that tilting your head can undermine your competence since it exposes your neck (a sign of submission), so use this cue sparingly.
#6: Selectively imitate others’ nonverbal cues. Nonverbal cues communicate emotions that can be contagious—if you’re next to someone who’s happy, you’re more likely to feel happy (and vice versa). You can consciously imitate someone’s warmth cues to amplify their positive emotions, which makes you seem warm. For example, if a coworker always greets you with a high five, you might respond with your own high fives or other forms of respectful touch. However, Van Edwards warns against imitating negative cues, which can detract from your warmth and worsen an already moody atmosphere.
Imitating someone’s cues can also signal that you agree with them, and validating their feelings or ideas can help warm them up to you. But Van Edwards says you should take care not to imitate someone’s cues when you disagree with them, as that can send the wrong message.
#7: Narrow your eyes. Narrowing your eyes makes you seem thoughtful and intense. It signals to others that you’re paying attention and trying to understand—though narrowing your eyes for longer than a few seconds seems unnatural. Van Edwards also says you can watch for eye narrowing to find opportunities to reinforce your competence: When someone’s eyes suddenly narrow, it suggests that they just started analyzing something. This might mean you said something confusing or controversial, so you should pause to address the possible issue.
#8: Steeple your fingers. Van Edwards says this cue conveys that you’re earnest, self-assured, and a deep thinker. You’re displaying your hands for everyone to see, which symbolically expresses that you have nothing to hide. Since you’re suggesting that you’re a deep thinker, steepling gives others a reason to think about (and believe in) what you’ve said—or if you’re listening to someone else, it communicates that you’re carefully considering what they’ve said. However, Van Edwards warns against a gesture she calls “evil fingers,” where you steeple your hands and tap the tips of your fingers together. Evil fingers suggest that you’re concocting a sinister plan.
#9: Use explanatory gestures. Moving your hands and arms while you speak helps you convey information to others more efficiently (for example, you can use gestures that indicate the shape of something). When you gesture with purpose and grace, listeners pay more attention, understand you better, and find you more credible. However, Van Edwards warns against using very large or forceful gestures—if you notice people looking at your hands or moving away when you gesture, dial it back.
#10: Clear the path between you and your conversation partner. Van Edwards explains that, when something comes between you and the person you’re talking with—whether that’s your own crossed arms, an object like a laptop, or a piece of furniture—it can signal that you’re preoccupied, uninterested, anxious, or dismissive of their ideas. In contrast, when you clear the path between you and your conversation partner, you seem open-minded: receptive, approachable, and secure enough to explore others’ ideas in good faith. This makes it easier for them to communicate openly with you.
#11: Lean toward others. Consider how you might lean toward a blossoming tree that you want to smell. Similarly, when you lean toward someone, it’s a sign that you’re engrossed in them—you want to see, hear, or otherwise perceive them more closely or even connect with them physically. This makes people feel like you’re respectfully or even delightedly engaging with them. Van Edwards says that you can also refrain from leaning to respectfully indicate that you’re not buying what someone’s saying—but don’t lean back, as this signals standoffishness.
#12: Use space to your advantage. Van Edwards says that your proximity to others influences how they perceive your warmth: Closeness suggests mutual trust and comfort, while appropriate distance can signal that you respect others’ boundaries. Additionally, positioning yourself next to someone who’s important to the setting—like a community leader, your manager, or the most popular person in a friend group—can convey a privileged connection with them, enhancing your perceived competence.
You can use this process to foster closer relationships with personal and professional contacts: First, observe their cues to determine whether they seem accepting or closed off. If they seem closed off (for example, because they have their arms crossed), don’t get any closer—this may make them feel uncomfortable. If they seem like they’d welcome more closeness (for example, because they’re getting closer to you), gradually close the distance. Sit or stand near them, or use behavioral cues like touching, leaning, and gesturing.
#13: Look into others’ faces. Looking into someone’s face suggests that you’re paying attention to them and that you’re interested in understanding them. It’s easier to interpret others’ emotions when you look them in the face—Van Edwards says you should take in a person’s whole face, but pay special attention to their eyes. Looking into someone’s eyes stimulates oxytocin production in both parties, which can enhance your ability to interpret each other’s emotions and produce the mutual sensation of warmth. On the other hand, if you don’t want to encourage intimacy with someone or if you want them to know you’re not paying attention to them, avert your eyes. You should also reduce eye contact if someone seems uncomfortable with it.
