Do you enjoy happiness and fulfillment in your relationships? Would you like to cultivate a stronger sense of community in your life?
In The Courage to Be Happy, counselor Ichiro Kishimi and author Fumitake Koga explore the work of early 20th-century psychotherapist Alfred Adler and discuss why his ideas are still relevant. They explain Gemeinschaftsgefühl, Adler’s concept that translates to “community feeling,” or sense of community.
Continue reading to discover how Adler’s teachings can transform your approach to relationships and community.
Gemeinschaftsgefühl
Gemeinschaftsgefühl, Adler’s concept of community feeling, suggests that our interpersonal connections are key to our well-being. By contributing to our community, respecting others, and nurturing fundamental relationships, we can boost our happiness and life satisfaction.
The authors say that humans are social by nature, so interpersonal relationships are a fundamental part of life and happiness. In fact, Adler taught that all hardships and joys stem from our interactions with other people. Therefore, the quality of our relationships shapes our well-being and overall life satisfaction.
We’ll discuss why contributing to your community can boost your happiness, why you should offer respect freely to everyone (and what “respect” really means), and the three fundamental types of relationships in Adlerian psychology.
Contribute to Your Community
The authors start by saying that contributing to your community is essential for your personal happiness and fulfillment. Adler taught that happiness comes from feeling useful; that feeling, in turn, helps you develop Gemeinschaftsgefühl—a sense of worth and belonging in your community, which is crucial for your overall well-being.
(Shortform note: This theory that you need feelings of worth and belonging in order to be happy closely resembles what social worker Brené Brown says is needed to live wholeheartedly—which is to say, to boldly pursue the life you want. In Daring Greatly, Brown says that every person needs to connect with others in order to be happy because we all need to experience feelings of love and belonging. She also says that shame—feeling like you aren’t enough as you are—is the greatest obstacle to connection. While Kishimi and Koga say that usefulness is the key to developing a sense of self-worth (or, as Brown would say, overcoming shame), Brown disagrees; she says that being open, honest, and emotionally vulnerable is the key to overcoming shame.)
However, Kishimi and Koga also say that value can only exist in relation to others. Therefore, it’s not enough to just try to be productive—you have to be useful to someone else in order to feel valued. In other words, no matter how much you accomplish, it won’t be satisfying if it’s only for your own benefit.
With that said, Adler taught that you don’t always need to perform concrete acts of contribution to experience this sense of belonging and worth. You can improve the lives of those around you simply by participating in your community.
(Shortform note: In addition to bolstering your sense of self-worth, becoming useful and well-liked in your community is likely to have more tangible benefits as well. In The Happiness Hypothesis, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt says humans have an instinct that he calls the Reciprocity Reflex: a drive to repay others for what they do for us, whether those actions were helpful or harmful. Therefore, if you have a good reputation and frequently help others, the people in your community are likely to also do nice things for you. Conversely, if you have a bad reputation—for instance, people think you’re unfriendly, or you’re known for bullying others—the other members of your community are likely to work against you in order to get payback.)
Respect Others for Who They Are
Another important aspect of Adlerian psychology that Kishimi and Koga highlight is the free offering of respect to others. In Adlerian terms, respect that’s freely given starts by recognizing someone for who they are as an individual.
Once you recognize someone’s individuality, you don’t try to alter who they are—instead, you accept them in their current form with no stipulations. If you try to manipulate someone to make them be different, you’re not showing them respect. It may help if you consider “respect” to be synonymous with “trust.” The authors say that respecting someone means you have complete confidence in them, and therefore you don’t feel any need to change or manipulate them.
The authors also say that respect (or trust) is a choice that you make based on your willpower and courage; respect comes from within you, not from the other person’s character or abilities. This means that you can offer respect to all people: loved ones, passing strangers, coworkers, and people you’ll never meet.
| Developing Universal Feelings of Respect and Love This description of respect closely resembles the Buddhist practice of metta, commonly translated as “lovingkindness.” Put simply, metta is a wish for universal health and happiness—it means respecting and caring for everyone, even people you’ve never met and people whom you dislike. Metta is traditionally achieved through meditation. You begin by cultivating a wish for universal health and happiness. Start by focusing on yourself, reflecting on your own innate goodness, and offering yourself wishes for peace, joy, and feelings of metta. Recognize that you, like all beings, deserve happiness and well-being. Next, expand your circle of lovingkindness to include the people closest to you. Choose a single person whose goodness is easiest for you to see, such as a child, parent, grandparent, or friend. Meditate on what you love about that person and offer them the same wish for happiness that you offered yourself. Once you’ve done this, widen your circle of metta to include other people you’re close to, then people you don’t know as well, and eventually, people whom you don’t know at all. Extend your wishes for their peace, joy, and well-being, recognizing that all beings desire and deserve happiness. |
Nurture Your Fundamental Relationships
To strengthen Gemeinschaftsgefühl, Kishimi and Koga say you must nurture three fundamental relationships: working relationships, friendships, and loving relationships.
Fundamental Relationship #1: Working Relationships
You can help others simply by existing and participating in your community, but what does that really mean? Adler identified three fundamental life tasks that each person needs to undertake in order to find happiness, but these “tasks” really describe different types of relationships with the people in your community. The first of these fundamental relationships is working relationships.
Kishimi and Koga explain that society functions most effectively when individuals focus on their own strengths and areas of expertise. This concept is known as division of labor. For example, when you need a new car, you don’t attempt to build one yourself; instead, you buy from a manufacturer that specializes in automotive production. This allows you to focus on your own job and expertise—the ways you’re best able to contribute to society—while benefiting from the skills and knowledge of others.
Kishimi and Koga also say that all professions, regardless of their prestige or salary, are valuable to society. If a job exists, it means there’s a societal need for that role. Therefore, there’s no difference in importance between, say, the CEO of a multinational corporation and an entry-level employee at a fast-food restaurant; both people are filling necessary positions that help keep society functioning.
If all jobs are important, then your worth as a person isn’t determined by the specific job you hold, nor even how well you perform in that role. Instead, Adler taught that your attitude is the best measure of your value as a worker. This is because your attitude ultimately determines whether people will turn to you or to one of your competitors (remember, Adler’s “life tasks” are really about relationships). When you approach your work with honesty and enthusiasm, you’re better able to form working relationships with others, and therefore you become a valuable asset to your employer and society.
For example, a salesperson who has extensive knowledge of every product their employer sells, but has an off-putting attitude that drives away potential customers, won’t be very valuable to the company despite their expertise. Conversely, someone who doesn’t yet know as much about the products, but is eager to learn and happy to serve customers, will be much more valuable in that role.
Fundamental Relationship #2: Friendships
Kishimi and Koga say that you learn about others and develop Gemeinschaftsgefühl through friendship, the second of Adler’s fundamental relationships. Building strong friendships starts with respect for others—you have to like people for who they are, not for who you think you can turn them into.
The other key component of friendship is empathy: Strive to put yourself in your friends’ positions, and consider what choices you’d make and what you’d want if you were them.
The authors add that, frequently, what people want in a friend is somebody who really listens to them. By demonstrating genuine interest in your friends’ concerns and interests, you show them that you value them and their perspectives. It’s important to note that this doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with everything your friends believe; rather, it means respecting their ideas and opinions.
Finally, unlike working relationships, friendships are selfless and unconditional. Your connection with your friends is based on genuine fondness for one another, rather than the hope of any external benefits or rewards. By cultivating these authentic, unconditional friendships, you not only enrich your own life but also contribute to a stronger Gemeinschaftsgefühl and belonging for yourself and those around you.
Fundamental Relationship #3: Loving Relationships
The last fundamental relationship that Kishimi and Koga discuss is love, and they say that it’s the most important task in life. It’s also a unique kind of task, because it belongs to you and to someone else at the same time: When you’re in a loving relationship, your task is to build happiness together with your partner.
Remember: Adler taught that you can’t find happiness when you’re focused solely on yourself. He also taught that, from infancy, our main concern is receiving love because we recognize that our survival depends on the love and care of others. Therefore, to grow as a person and find happiness, you must shift your focus from receiving love to giving love.
The authors say that you can achieve this growth through a loving relationship. This is because, when you’re in such a relationship, your priorities shift from fulfilling your own needs and desires to fulfilling the shared needs of you and your partner—your focus changes from “me” to “us.” As a result, you finish growing past the self-centeredness that you developed in infancy and discover the joy of contributing to others instead.
Exercise: Consider Your Sense of Community
What’s one way you could become more active in your community? Think in terms of relationships: Perhaps your job gives you the chance to reach out and connect with others in your community, or you could find a new social activity to participate in and make new friends.
