This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Good Inside" by Becky Kennedy. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Is your child easily frustrated with themselves? Do they have perfectionistic tendencies?
Parenting is hard. That doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent or that you have a bad kid. Dr. Becky Kennedy provides strategies that help you get to the root of your child’s behaviors so that you can effect lasting change while keeping your relationship positive.
Here’s her advice for building up frustration tolerance in an easily-frustrated child.
Handling Frustration in Children
Children need to develop frustration tolerance because, as Kennedy explains, learning requires making mistakes and being okay with not knowing everything at first. Frustrated children who have a tendency toward perfectionism need extra help with this because their self-worth is deeply tied to their achievements.
(Shortform note: Developing frustration tolerance is important for more than being able to learn. In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown explains that perfectionism fosters anxiety, depression, and addiction. It causes you to feel unable to take risks, make mistakes, or disappoint people without becoming debilitated by shame.)
To build your child’s frustration tolerance, Kennedy suggests using the tool of confidence-building. Specifically, she says you should encourage a growth mindset. Be patient when your child gets frustrated and takes a while to figure things out, and be okay with getting frustrated when you’re doing something difficult.
(Shortform note: In Mindset, Carol Dweck argues that your beliefs about your intelligence and ability can help or hinder you from reaching your potential. Children learn one of two mindsets from their parents, teachers, and coaches: that qualities such as intelligence are innate and unchangeable (the fixed mindset) or that they can develop (the growth mindset).)
Kennedy also suggests that you praise kids for what’s inside them, not the outcome. She suggests that instead of saying “good job,” you remark on how hard they worked or ask questions about the process. This centers their experience instead of the product and teaches them to look inside for validation.
(Shortform note: In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, the authors add that descriptive praise helps children notice their strengths and learn to praise themselves. To build their confidence and encourage them to validate themselves, praise specific elements of their work or process.)
Furthermore, Kennedy suggests that you reframe your role in your child’s learning: Don’t think of yourself as the teacher of the skill but as the coach showing your child how to cope with the struggle of learning.
(Shortform note: Coach your child through frustration by teaching her how to self-regulate when she gets upset. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child suggest you teach your child calming techniques such as punching pillows, stomping her feet, or counting to 10.)
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Like what you just read? Read the rest of the world's best book summary and analysis of Becky Kennedy's "Good Inside" at Shortform.
Here's what you'll find in our full Good Inside summary:
- A parenting manual to help you build a positive relationship with your child
- Why time-outs, rewards, and serious conversations don't "fix" kids
- Strategies to deal with ten common parenting challenges
