This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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When and how should you praise your kids? When should you let natural consequences speak for you?
In 1-2-3 Magic, clinical psychologist Thomas W. Phelan provides strategies for (1) stopping unwanted behavior, (2) helping kids initiate and sustain productive behaviors, and (3) fostering healthy parent-child relationships. The second part of his method entails a heavy dose of positivity.
Keep reading to learn how to effectively use positive reinforcement for children.
Positive Reinforcement for Children
Phelan suggests routines as an effective strategy for helping kids get things done. Once those routines are established, he offers advice for using positive reinforcement for children to bolster them and avoid conflict. He discusses how to use appropriate praise, watch your tone, and embrace natural consequences.
#1: Use Appropriate Praise
Phelan encourages you to aim for a ratio of three positive comments for every negative comment you make to your children. Kids often get more negative feedback than positive from their parents simply because parents ‘leave well enough alone’ when kids are behaving well but speak up when kids start to misbehave. While well-intentioned, the result is that kids often end up hearing more about what they do wrong than what they do right.
To deliver your positive comments, you might poke your head in the door when your child is playing nicely and commend her on her concentration, congratulate your son for sharing with his little sister, and so on. Phelan notes that unexpected, public praise is especially beneficial and meaningful for kids.
(Shortform note: Other child psychologists offer words of caution about praising children. When you praise the child for a talent or trait (their patience or intelligence, for instance) or for something they’ve done (a drawing or a performance), they might become anxious about not being able to live up to your expectations of them in the future. This might make them risk-averse, and they might prefer to avoid activities or challenges that could undermine the praise you’ve given them. This isn’t to say you should completely withhold praise but rather that you should praise children for things they have control over— their effort on a task, their enjoyment of a task, and so on.)
When you do need to give your child constructive criticism, Phelan suggests using the positive-negative-positive pattern. This means that you sandwich the criticism part of your feedback with two positive comments. For instance, if your child just finished their morning routine, but their bed-making is sloppy, you might say something like: “Wow! Great job starting your morning jobs all on your own! It looks like you rushed a little when you were making your bed, so maybe you should go back and take your time getting everything lined up. I really liked how you also brushed your tongue when you did your teeth!”
(Shortform note: Some have proposed an alternative “praise sandwich” that might work better in some instances. Skeptics of the traditional praise sandwich argue that the actual constructive criticism can get lost or forgotten between two pieces of praise. Additionally, when this is how criticism is always delivered, the recipient of the criticism might learn to ignore the praise, thinking it’s just a prelude to a critique. They recommend that you instead first offer positive feedback, followed by your constructive criticism, and conclude with a discussion of the steps to improve. Still, younger children might find the traditional praise sandwich more motivating, and this alternative praise sandwich might be best reserved for older children.)
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Here's what you'll find in our full 1-2-3 Magic summary:
- A simple countdown approach for disciplining your child
- How to cultivate a warm and loving relationship with your child
- Why time-outs are ineffective and don't correct bad behavior
