What does it mean when your child’s gender identity differs from their sex at birth? How can parents best respond to a child expressing gender variance or identifying as transgender?
In Far From the Tree, Andrew Solomon explores the complexities of parenting and gender identity. He contends that a child’s gender identity requires understanding and acceptance. Solomon emphasizes the importance of creating safe environments where children can express their authentic selves.
Read on to dive deeper into how parents can navigate these important conversations.
Parenting and Gender Identity
Solomon discusses parenting and gender identity, writing that many parents struggle to understand when their child expresses an experience different from their own. Gender identity refers to an individual’s internal sense of being male, female, or somewhere else along the gender spectrum. Solomon writes that most people’s gender identities align with the sex they were assigned at birth based on their biological characteristics. For transgender and gender nonconforming people, their gender identity differs from the sex assigned at birth. They may identify as male, female, nonbinary, genderfluid, or another identity that resonates with their internal experience.
Solomon writes that it’s crucial for parents to recognize their child’s gender identity as a fundamental part of who they are, not a phase or choice. When a child expresses gender variance or identifies as transgender, they need their parents to respond with open-mindedness, empathy, and a willingness to educate themselves and reflect on their own biases and assumptions. Creating an environment where children feel safe and comfortable expressing their gender identity and asking questions is crucial, as is using their chosen name and pronouns. Only when parents put their expectations and assumptions about gender aside can they help their children feel safe to be their authentic selves.
(Shortform note: Specialists agree with Solomon that accepting a child’s gender identity is crucial when a child expresses significant discomfort with their assigned gender or comes out as transgender. They recommend expanding your understanding of gender terminology such as “nonbinary,” “genderqueer,” and “genderfluid.” It’s also important to respond with openness rather than judgment when your child discusses gender. When it comes to medical decisions, specialists emphasize the importance of working closely with health-care providers to understand all available options and their implications. Above all, experts stress the value of conveying unwavering emotional support and a commitment to understanding your child.)
In general, Solomon categorizes identity traits based on whether we share them with our parents (vertical identities) or whether they set us apart (horizontal identities), which affects both how our families relate to us and how we come to understand ourselves. Horizontal identities challenge our empathy and understanding because the underlying trait and its effects are unfamiliar and unexpected, Solomon explains. Many children who will later come out as gay or transgender are born to parents who are straight or cisgender. These parents don’t know what it’s like to be attracted to people of the same gender (or to people of varying genders) or to have a gender identity that differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. They also didn’t expect their children to differ from them in this way.
Understand and Accept Your Child’s Differences
Solomon explains it’s imperative to understand and accept your child’s difference, no matter what it is. Educating yourself prepares you to provide appropriate care, support, and accommodations. Accepting your child enables you to nurture their strengths and foster a strong sense of self-worth. But Solomon acknowledges that achieving understanding and acceptance is a process: Parents have to come to terms with the emotional impact of having a child with unexpected differences. It’s natural to feel grief, anger, fear, and even guilt. Yet it’s essential to work through these feelings to cultivate a mindset of hope for the child’s future.
(Shortform note: While Solomon advises parents to work through difficult emotions such as grief and fear, some parents of transgender children confess that the initial fear can be overwhelming. Paria Hassouri writes in Found in Transition that fear left her in a holding pattern of indecision and inaction before she reached out to another mother who, like Hassouri, had been blindsided by her child coming out. Hassouri writes that some parents of transgender children maintain an optimistic outlook by focusing on the positive future possibilities for their child, rather than dwelling on potential challenges or negative attitudes from society. They also make decisions based on love for their child and what they need in the moment.)
Solomon contends that cultivating a more empathetic understanding of a horizontal identity makes society more inclusive for everyone with that identity. For example, by learning about the experiences of people with autism spectrum disorders, we make society more accepting of individuals with these differences. This can help reduce stigma and negative stereotypes, and the discrimination and social isolation they create.
(Shortform note: The relationship between awareness and acceptance isn’t always as linear as Solomon implies. Researchers note that, while many Americans recognize discrimination against transgender people, a sizable share believes society has gone too far in accepting them. Younger adults tend to be more accepting of transgender people, indicating that increased exposure may foster greater acceptance. But factors such as knowing a transgender person, religious beliefs, and understanding of science shape people’s perspectives on whether gender can differ from sex assigned at birth. Many Americans also say views on gender identity are changing too quickly, suggesting they feel their understanding is outpaced by social shifts.)
